THRU HIKER BALLADS and TRAIL SONGS

Here is one for the SOBOs!!! It is in a little different style, but truer trail words have never been spoken! I delayed the release to not talk everyone out of starting... Lots of audio and airplane problems. I guess it is finally time to trade in the Blues Mobile for a microphone. Oh Why did I choose these Sobo blues Who designed this stupid trail Why am I going the wrong way How the hell can Mexico be 26 hundred …and 80 miles away! I should’ve left Harts Pass in the month of June but now I’m starting in late July Guess I’ll just hike Glacier Peak in the snow and ice Oh Why did I choose these Sobo blues Why can’t I find an open tent site? Why are there so many damn NOBOs? Why does everybody I meet tell me …winter is coming I never made it to trail days on time. At least the smoke keeps the bugs away I’ll keep dodging all these fire closures Oh Why did I choose these Sobo blues Why is there no trail magic ? Why are there no other hikers? Why have all the trail registers …run out of paper?! !! It will be real easy to finish If I just hike 40 miles a day but the days are getting shorter… Oh Why did I choose these Sobo blues Why are all the resupplies closed for the season ? Why am I going so slow? Why do I have a splitting headache? Why can’t I feel my toes?!!! I’ll just carry 12 days of food. Had to skip the Hostel California I gotta beat the Sierra before the second winter storm Oh Why did I choose these Sobo blues Why’s there no one to clap at Kennedy Meadows? Why don’t the trail angels answer? Why am I hiking in the dark?..for 3 hours every night! Why are the water caches empty? Does anyone even know I’m still out here ? Who put this stupid mountain ….in the middle of the desert ? I just spent my last 50 cent For a shower in Lake Morena That border wall is getting mighty close I’m finally gonna lose. These SOBO blues Now I gotta get a job

Too many songs are "Oh the noes!!! Thru hiking is so hard!!!" I decided that what was needed was more religion and profanity...and nutrition. I ain’t got much money I got even less taste And I’m not the kind of guy who will let bad food go to waste. Now I’m pretty hungry I’m a desperate man The general store may be closed for the night but I got a back-up plan Thank God for the Hiker box saved my ass this time Thank God for all of you poor planners who left all this great shit behind Thank God for the Hiker box food ‘til next Tuesday Thank God for the hiker box didn’t even have to pay Found an old pack of ramen noodles that almost turned to powder A freeze-dried brand I never heard of …. some vegan-ish corn chowder Something labeled in Korean looks like dehydrated eel Some jerky made in Canada—tastes like baby harp seal! An unlabeled baggie of white powder it’s either electrolyte or cocaine It tasted kind of bitter, but it sure helped with my foot pain A couple of used Chapsticks…,they taste better than you might think A heaping tablespoon of vegemite that I can add to a hot drink Thank God for the Hiker box saved my ass this time Thank God for all of you poor planners who left all this great shit behind Thank God for the Hiker box food ‘til next Wednesday Thank God for the hiker box didn’t even have to pay got a block of mozzarella cheese with a bite taken out both ends 17 packets of Subway mustard…breakfast of champions Some pasta mixed with Parmesan. That smells like hiker feet A can of little Friskies cat food 200 calories of meat!! A bag of freeze-dried haggis and a can of spotted dick Those Brit’s sure eat some weird food hope I don’t get sick Found a rusty can of curried Spam hiding underneath a shelf And a package of hamburger helper. I think it does just fine by itself Thank God for the Hiker box saved my ass this time Thank God for all of you poor planners who left all this great shit behind Thank God for the Hiker box food ‘til next Thursday Thank God for the hiker box didn’t even have to pay Now there’s there’s a sad and lonely Ziploc at the bottom of the pile It’s labeled 2017. Guess it’s been here for a while, It’s some fat-free, oat-free oatmeal with bits of some alleged fruit. It’s just what I was looking for. Gonna add it to my loot. Thank God for the Hiker box saved my ass this time Thank God for all of you poor planners who left all this great shit behind Thank God for the Hiker box food ‘til next Friday Thank God for the hiker box no matter what people say So remember …Hiker box your own hiker box

Songwriter: Geoff Mack PCT lyrics: Mister Ed Best damn PCT cover of the best damn travel song. It's a long song...but it's an even longer trail!!! I was thumbing a ride outside a godforsaken trail head Up rolled a tweaker with a rabid dog in his truck bed "If you’re going to Cascade Locks, dude, I'll give you a ride" So, I cranked down all his windows and I settled down inside He said “whoever hikes the PCT is doomed to fail" And I said "bullshit man! I’ve backpacked every mile of this here trail " I've hiked everywhere, man I've hiked everywhere Never cut my my hair, man Laundry it was rare Mosquitos I had my share, man I've hiked everywhere I’ve hiked to Evolution Creek Mission Creek Hauser Creek Hat Creek Subway Cave Shelter Cove Castle Crags Glacier Peak Mount San Jacinto Baden Powell Whitney TimberLine Lodge Mount Rainier Adams Jefferson Bridge of the Gods Stehekin Bakery Pancake Challenge Mom’s Pie Donner Pass Forester Pass Mather Pass Glen Pass Kicked my ass! Lake Sally Ann Lake Susan Jane Susie Lake Fish Lake Trout Lake Crater Lake Olallie Lake Dicks Lake Lake Aloha Bucks Lake Mammoth Lakes Bishop Mica Lake Mirror Lake Dewey Lake Winthrop Sheep Lake Bear Lake Bear Lake Sheep Lake Blue Lake Green Lake Pete Lake For Pete’s sake! I've hiked everywhere, man I've hiked everywhere Been bluff charged by a bear Had to change my underwear (spoken: but I only had one pair) Giardia, I had my share, man I've hiked everywhere Warner Springs Lookout Spring Lava Spring Mojave Agua Dulce Quincy Yosemite Tehachapi Cispus Pass Chinook Pass Harts Pass Fuller Ridge Mazama Village Holden Village Suiattle River Bridge Independence Lone Pine Ridgecrest Kennedy Meadows LA Aqueduct and the other Kennedy Meadows Kern River Kings River Klamath River Urich Cabin Big Lake Youth Camp Big Bear City Bouquet Canyon Siskiyous Sisters Soda Springs Snoqualmie Oak Shores Malt Shop The bridge from Stand By Me Kracker Barrel Barrel Spring Devils Postpile Ash Camp pit toilet only for a little while! Spoken: you’ve got to be batshit crazy to go in that one I've hiked everywhere, man I've hiked everywhere Trail magic was nowhere, man Hiker hunger …always there Ramen, I had my share man I've hiked everywhere Montezuma Valley Green Valley Seiad Valley Truckee VVR PVC Stagecoach RV Dinsmore’s Lion’s Den Mountaineers Hikertown Mike’s Place Mary’s Place Grumpy Bear’s Triple Crown Callahan’s Ammirati’s Muir Trail Ranch Muir Pass Muir Hut Summit Hut Kelso Road Water Cache Julian Ashland Belden Deep Creek Hot Spring Packwood Wrightwood Mt Hood Scissors Crossing Tunnel Falls Ramona Falls Burney Falls Campo Mount Laguna Etna Canada Mexico Vasquez Rocks Goat Rocks Eagle Rock Wee Ville Kernville Markleeville time to climb another hill! I've hiked everywhere, man I've hiked everywhere Reroutes just ain’t fair, I’m a tortoise not a hare Fires, I had my share, man I've hiked everywhere I’ve dealt with Bobcat Fisher Cat Cattle scat Rattlesnake Blacktail Whitetail Ringtail Rattlesnake Black Bear Brown Bear Bear Can Rattlesnake Racoon Rodent Poodle Dog Rattlesnake Marmot Coyote Mountain Goat Rattlesnake Cougar Condor Bigfoot Ants And I’ve been Nobo Sobo Sowebo Sebo Nowebo Nebo Eabo Webo white blaze blue blaze yellow blaze pink blaze in pain insane on my ass in a daze too hot too cold too wet too old sunburned windburned stomach churned never learned! I've hiked everywhere, man I've hiked everywhere, man My blisters came in pairs, my meniscus it did tear Ibuprofen, I had my share, man I've hiked everywhere And I left no trace I swear!!!!

Songwriter: Bobby Troup PCT lyrics by Mister Ed Somebody had to cover it! If you plan to backpack out west Take my trail, the thru hike that’s the best Come with me on the PCT It grinds from Campo to BC There’s millions of places you can pee Come with me on the PCT It goes through Mt Laguna,the Valley Montezuma Tehachapi is oh so windy You’ll see South Lake Tahoe Burney Falls and Castle Crags Crater Lake and Sisters take care of your blisters! Mt Hood Goat Rocks Stevens Pass Mazama Won't you get hip to this pro tip When you take that backpacking trip Come with me on the PCT Plenty to see on the PCT Permits are free on the PCT

Another hiker song. Needed one that had a more positive outlook! I was 4 hours too late for trail magic 3 minutes too late for my package 2 Advil away from just 1 pain-free day But I’m still having fun I’m 1 tide-pod short of some laundry 2 quarters short of a shower 3 good ligaments short of 4 miles an hour But I’m still having fun I’m 4 weeks too late for good weather 3 weeks from running out of cash Still 2 days behind that 1 cute gal from Liechtenstein But I’m still having fun I’ve got 1 nosebleed from all this ash 2 shoes ground flat by the lava I’m 3 pints of blood low Still got 4 weeks to go Must be in Oregon Still got 4 toes without any blisters I’ve gone 3 days without a bowel movement Now 2 feet off the track Is 1 large pissed-off diamondback So, forget what I just said about bowel movement

Four previously unrecorded verses for the best damn thru-hiking song ever. Features one verse written in Canadian, and three verses, not written in Canadian. In the big rock Snickers mountains you Don’t have to wear no gaiters The tread is always soft and smooth and the hills have escalators You never hurt a knee a foot an ankle or a spleen CHORUS Oh I want to go Where there ain't no snow Where the rain don't fall And The wind don't blow In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains In the big rock snickers mountains Your gear don’t tear or fray When you forget your trekking poles AND YOU WILL They find you the next day You never lose your spoon Your tent stakes mate and reproduce. NOW I KNOW I GOT BLUE ONES FROM ZPACK AND I GOT RED ONES FROM MSR BUT WHERE THE HELL DID THESE PURPLE ONES COME FROM? <CHORUS> Oh the big rock snickers mountains will politely make you smile. when the going’s tough, there’s a Tim Hortons every 7 miles....sorry, every 11 kilometers The campgrounds and sell two-fours and If you wear a tuque they’re free! PLUS PST AND GST OF COURSE Well I want to go where there’s lots of snow Where the rain don’t fall and the wind don’t blow In the big rock Mars Bar slash Koffee Krisp mountains In the big rock sneakers mountains your air mattress never leaks You always get a good nights sleep and your partner never reeks When you meet a cute hiker they hike your pace for weeks I THINK THEY USED TO CALL THAT STALKING <CHORUS> OUTRO Well I'll see you all this coming Fall In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains"

The best damn backpacker song ever written...to the tune of the best damn hobo song ever written. INTRO One evening as the sun went down On my backpacking trip, Along came an old thru hiker, he said,” I've had it I’m gonna flip” I know a place that's far away Beside the crystal-light fountains So come with me, we'll go and see The Big Rock Snickers Mountains VERSE In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains, Theres no reroutes around frogs The water cache is always full and your filter never clogs when you get to a stream crossing Someone’s always left a log CHORUS Oh I want to go Where there ain't no snow Where the rain don't fall And The wind don't blow In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains There’s trail magic everyday On a side trip to a scenic view The trails downhill both ways Your Campsites always level And you Never wake up cold <CHORUS> In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains your new shoes grow on trees the mosquitos always hibernate And you can mind control the bees the snakes are on vacation and the mice have rubber teeth <CHORUS> In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains You don’t have to wash your socks And little streams of coffee Come trickling down the rocks There ain’t no forest fires Theres no Sunburn chafe or Blisters. <CHORUS> In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains you’ve really got it made If you zero at a hotel, your bill’s already paid When you stay at a hostel it’s real easy to get laid <CHORUS> OUTRO I'll see you all this coming Fall In the Big Rock Snickers Mountains"

A musical tale of spam and dehydration in the desert near PCT mile 465. At the end of a long day somewhere north of Agua D He was so hot and dehydrated he could not even pee 12 miles dry in front of him…10 from the last spring that he passed But at this next road crossing is a big old water cache He looked up the hill and down the vale on both sides of the road No signs of life but some blood and puke and a couple horny horny toads But it’s listed here in guthooks so somewhere its gots to be He never found it, why’d they hide it, underneath the only tree ( boy that sucked) Now its Water water NOwhere and not a drop to drink Will the Condors chew my carcass or be put off by the stink? Now its Water water NOwhere and now is all hope gone? Will the Condors chew my carcass, just keep calm and carrion (it’s a homonym) Now he’s out of time and water and it gave him quite a fright Then he spotted something in the distance through the dusty fading light He thought he’s seeing a mirage as the heat rose off the tar but 3 miles west on this scorching road was the Bouquet Reservoir Water that is Wet gold Swimming pool Open bar It’s getting dark, he’s spots a bright orb low on the horizon It must lead to his hydration so his confidence was risin’ He soon could smell the water, but then his mood did sour that light was not the setting sun but the Searchlight from the guard tower you see the reservoir was locked up tight, they’d put up a tough defense they had doorbell cameras, snipers, guard dogs and a chain link fence the sign said ”danger land mines” “reservations required” “have a nice day” hiker trash were just not welcome but he’d have to find a way because its Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink Will the Condors chew my carcass or be put off by the stink? I ain’t got no reservation it was some thing I did not make I ain’t got no reservations I’ll do anything it takes he decoyed the guard dogs with some spam, ….a single serving wasn’t going to eat it anyhow and the dogs looked more deserving Then he dodged all of the land mines using a USGS Quad got to get beyond this fence somehow and drink on the other side But it’s still Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink Will the Condors chew my carcass or be put off by the stink? I ain’t got no reservation it was some thing I did not make I ain’t got no reservations I’ll do anything it takes he tunneled under with his deuce of spades but that effort did not last he was making too much noise and could not hear his podcast he climbed up top but there was something there to keep out human beings He got over the razor wire but it ripped out one of his spleens ( think of the weight savings!) Now it’s Water water everywhere and I’ve satisfied my thirst The trail provided this time today could have been much worst Now this story may be true, I say this without reservation more details come in seven years after the statute of limitations Ain’t no Condors chew my carcass, they’re afraid that they might drown Ain’t no Condors chew my carcass, guess they’ll head to Hikertown