Soul Speak #04 - "Feelings" & Oh what a strong castle I had built for myself... {Retro} March 07/20

This is something I shared in response to a comment made by someone on FB regarding the inability to show feelings. I want to come back and maybe relate a little bit more about my life to you, perhaps something from it will resonate with you.

You keep mentioning that "feelings" are a problem. I can almost say with certainty that everybody enters this arena called life with some kind of childhood trauma. I know that I did, but I haven't always been conscious of the wounds my 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥 sustained.

At a relatively early stage in my life, I was introduced to the Bible (somewhere around the time I was 12 maybe) and without knowing it at the time, it became my "saving grace". It had an answer for every wound inside my soul, and I began building my "castle" (some people have a shack, but I was going to have a fortress).

Verse by verse and brick by brick my walls were going higher and stronger, and I had built up a very impressive knowledge of scripture over the course of 30 years. These "walls" provided me with a much needed security and I developed a strong "biblical" persona, nobody could get in but I also didn't realise that I could not get out...but that was ok, because I felt safe inside.

"Feelings" wasn't something I did give a whole lot of attention to, and thankfully I had a lot of "biblical" truth that kept me from ever having to deal with the hurts of my soul. I kept telling myself that Jesus had delivered me from my past, and I believed it very strongly. It is amazing to what great and "noble" lengths we will go to in order to convince ourselves that we are ok, when we are not.

The results of my isolated "castle" living finally caught up to me after 30 years of being a good Christian, and my heart cried out from the deadness of the soul inside of me. Jesus, HELP ME!

It was time to FEEL what was really going on on the inside, deep within. It was PAINFUL and agonising to admit to myself the many years the "locusts had eaten" with all the external activity of "biblical devotion" - while my soul was entombed inside a stone castle.

I always thought I had encountered Jesus Christ at 15, but in reality it was an encounter with the 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲. Jesus did speak to me on occasion throughout all of those years, He kept pulling me out of the churches etc, but I did not encounter Him in a living way until almost 5 years ago, when I cried out in desperation because I felt dead.

My mom passed on 5 years ago, and so did my old religious life. Death and resurrection occurred simultaneously.

You, much like me probably don't live in a "Shack", you have built a pretty elaborate "castle"...the walls are quite high and very thick.

Emotions by Scandinavianz | https://soundcloud.com/scandinavianz/
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Creative Commons CC BY 3.0

#insecurity #strong #walls