June 20, 2021

(evidently J has a new weapon, "foghorn-ing" (literally just screaming/roaring/screeching/making really loud noise) for whenever he's frustrated/feels like he's not being understood (which he says is ok/my fault for screaming in my room yesterday when I thoght no one would hear) (but not when D is around because D makes more drama for J) (plus it's still not loud enough for the neighbors to hear and call the fire department- my goodness don't we just have things so wonderful?)

we'll have to go to the store soon, which means more of this in the van all the way there and back (staying out/in the parking lot as long as possible just to "talk") plus me trying not to cry in public inside the store or get noticed being upset in the van; I still won't get anything I need because I'm having trouble concentrating, I'll just be waiting for permission to go back to my room), or at best if they let me stay at the house, they'll go off about how much danger I'm putting myself in for wanting to be alone, deliberately not get anything I ask for/need just because I didn't want to go (then I'll STILL legitimately have to dodge swings/blows and screaming/foghorn-ing just not loud enough for the neighbors to notice while attempting to help them bring in and put up the groceries) (M asked if I wanted to go later on and I just closed my eyes (I'm legitimately afraid of having a breakdown in public, which she and J will say is "for no reason" because "I have it too good" - though J will also say he "feels the EXACT same way" and use it to justify his cruelty; but if I even say 'no I don't want to go" M won't let me go to the store with D when he decides to come back (probably ever again, or might just lock/kick me out of the house) (I go NOT because I "like him better/having 2 parents allows me to pick favorite even though she does all the actual raising", if anything I would "like/respect" her more for doing all the actual raising, I struggle to keep up with D, still getting nothing I need done, because it's THE ONLY CHANCE I get to hear/see something other than her & J constant screaming and spite in the course of a day) but in my mental state I don't think I can be in public or with people at all for a while, as much as staying in my room is not an option and the rest of the house is making it all worse

why am I such a child? why does this bother me at all? after living like this my whole life, I'm still just not "strong"
how did I let myself not "be ready to leave" before now?

somebody please help me