orkambi log 2020.05.08.0205 (FINAL ENTRY)

i've not been able to make myself make a log lately. it's always the same. i'm not able to plan my day out. i'm not able to think a few hours out. this makes it difficult to get anything done. i was supposed to check my email and send my glucose meter numbers and i forgot. i practiced a musical instrument a little today. it's difficult to type this without any typos. i've been trying something for a while, now. trying to work through what's been bothering me. it's difficult to figure that out. so i've been letting my mind wander, to see what occurs most commonly. i wanted to see if there were any reoccurring problems i'm dealing with. the conclusion i've come to is that i need to be writing these things down and collecting them into sort of an autobiography. even if it's not something that i want to do, i don't know what else there is. it doesn't feel like i have multiple problems that keep coming up. it's just one. it's always this one problem. i've known about it for nearly my entire life. i'm not able to ignore it, or forget it. i don't think about anything else. it's just this one problem. it's my own personal insantiy, and it is corrosive in nature. it's been wearing me down nearly my whole life. it's always been there. this idea consumes all else. my dad and i have been watching chicago pd. it's a good show. i try to relax, to escape. while watching the show, i saw it again. this insanity. i wasn't able to escape it. the idea that consumes, it scares me. like nothing else in all existence, it frightens me in ways and to depths i'm not able to elaborate. it scares me at night, in the dark, in silence, in isolation. i don't think anyone else knows about it. it's my own personal insanity. i think this is going to be the last in this seriese. it's come to a repetitive halt. every day the same. i've done my evening albuterol, pulmazyme, salmeterol, orkambi, i need to shower tomorrow. i need to get professional help. i can't think of anything else to do but write down what this idea is that's haunted me as long as i can remember being alive. i honestly don't know which would frighten me more: to possibility that other people are already aware of this idea, or the possibility that no one has ever heard of this idea.