How do Tides Work on Flat Earth?

Isaac Newton theorized and it is now commonly taught and believed that Earth's ocean tides are caused by gravitational lunar attraction. The Moon's gravity allegedly generates something called "tidal force" which causes Earth and its water to bulge out, not only on the side closest to the Moon, but also the side farthest from the Moon. Using their own calculations and predictions, however, if the Moon is only 2,160 miles in diameter and the Earth 8,000 miles, it follows that Earth is 87 times more massive and therefore the larger object should attract the smaller to it, and not the other way around. Heliocentrists claim Earth's greater gravity is what keeps the Moon in orbit, therefore it is impossible for the Moon's far lesser gravity to supersede the Earth's gravity at Earth's sea-level, where its gravitational attraction would even further out-trump the Moon's. If the Moon has enough attractive influence to lift the ocean's water even a single inch from their deep recesses where Earth's gravitational attraction is exponentially greater, then there is nothing in the theory of gravity to prevent the water from continuing its attraction all the way to the Moon. Furthermore, the velocity and path of the Moon are uniform and thereby should exert a uniform influence on Earth's tides, when in actuality the Earth's tides vary greatly. At Port Natal, for example, the rise and fall is only 6 feet, while at Beira 600 miles up the coast, the rise and fall is 26 feet. Not only this, but if the Moon's gravity was truly generating a tidal force causing Earth and its water to bulge out, then all the world's lakes, marshes, ponds and other inland waters would be similarly affected and have tides as well. These and other problems caused Isaac Newton to openly admit that his explanation of the tides was the "least satisfactory" portion of his theory of gravitation...