How Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Could’ve Been Fixed

How Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Could’ve Been Fixed

I’m beginning to think maybe some people forgot how bad the original movies truly got. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III was when the cracks started to show in the mighty children’s franchise, signs that creative fatigue had set in, or that the hard work put into the first two films weren’t carrying over. The movie was bad, so much so that it disappointed children everywhere and even broke up happy homes. That’s why I’ve been talking about it so negatively for all these years, trying to make sure people understand how bad the third movie is, but with it celebrating...

I’m beginning to think maybe some people forgot how bad the original movies truly got. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III was when the cracks started to show in the mighty children’s franchise, signs that creative fatigue had set in, or that the hard work put into the first two films weren’t carrying over. The movie was bad, so much so that it disappointed children everywhere and even broke up happy homes. That’s why I’ve been talking about it so negatively for all these years, trying to make sure people understand how bad the third movie is, but with it celebrating thirty years of existence, I figured it might be a good time to discuss how I’d actually try and fix this travesty without changing it completely. Where do we begin? Well, the script probably seems like the most important thing, but even a wonderful story can be torn apart by those behind the camera. Everything has to work well together to some extent and that begins with the director and his crew. In this case, TMNT3 was helmed by Stuart Gilliard, a man mostly known for his work on television, and there is a reason for that. After this atrocity, his career would go right back to the small screen, but his failure here is likely because Gillard didn’t set out to make an awesome Ninja Turtles movie, no, he wanted to make his idea of an epic Samurai film. This didn’t work, and although some of the technical aspects were fine, someone else was needed who had more of an appreciation for the source material, or at least the genre. For my pick, I’d either go seasoned with Matthew Vaughn (X-Men: First Class, Kick-Ass) or take a chance on someone like Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer, The Amazing Spider-Man). While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and switch out the rest of the crew except for maybe the location scout and cinematographer, as this is the lushest and most colorful TMNT film out of the originals. I don’t want to say no one else cared about the project, but they didn’t even spell Michelangelo’s name correctly at the end. The marketing people might not have been too bad, as they did have a Burger King tie-in and it gave kids and collectors alike some new action figures, but the trailers weren’t doing this movie any favors. The writing was on the wall, as TMNT III wasn’t even screened for critics and was brutalized upon release. On the audio side, we need to try and get the voice actors for the Turtles a bit more into it and nail those lines a little more. It’s great to have Corey Feldman back, but Splinter is not doing it for me. I know there is some controversy around Kevin Clash, the original performer, but we can find someone better. While we’re at it, let’s drop these whacky sound effects, just to help the tone a bit more, that doesn’t mean they all have to go, but most are out. Finally, the soundtrack is fine. I still have a copy of the CD sitting on my shelf and people love some “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. One more thing about the presentation, the giant turtle in the room as it were, and that’s how the boys were looking back then. These costumes need an upgrade. It’s sad that Jim Henson’s Creature Shop didn’t return (rumored to be due to money) and the budget probably forced them to lower the bar more, but in our reimagining here, we don’t have problems like that. As the years passed, the comparisons to the older suits became more evident, and the bad lip movements stood out more, making these harder to view. These aren’t the worst-looking versions of the Turtles in live-action, but they’re still seriously lacking. If that wasn’t enough, pay attention to how we never truly see Splinter’s lower body, or when we do it’s hidden by cloth, because they didn’t finish it. Now that’s quality. So let’s talk about the story. Readers are most likely familiar with this plot, but for those who aren’t, the movie involves April O’Neil (Paige Turc...