Jordan Peterson and John Gottman on healthy relationships

This model has been developed from over 30 years of observational and longitudinal research on communication differences between couples who stayed together, and ones who divorced.

Gottman wanted to find answers to the questions 1) “What makes a marriage last?” and 2) “What makes a marriage deteriorate?”

John Gottman can predict a couple’s potential for divorce in the next 5 years, with 97.5% accuracy, with only 5 variables!

Criticism: A statement that implies something is “globally wrong” with the partner (e.g., “always,” “never,” or a statement about personality).

Defensiveness: Used by one to ward off an attack from the other, defensiveness claims, “I am innocent.”

Contempt: The single best predictor of divorce, contempt is seeing oneself as superior to one’s partner.

Stonewalling: One person withdraws either physically or mentally from the interaction.

Failed repair attempts: When one partner tries to “make nice” and end the conflict, soothe the other, or soften a complaint and is not accepted by the other.

Rules to Soften Startup
Be concise. Keep the initial statement brief and to the point.

Complain but do NOT blame. Complain about a specific incident rather than blame or label.

Start with something positive. Pose problems by starting with something positive.

Use “I” instead of “You” statements. Start statements with “I” rather than “you” to avoid blaming and to increase personal responsibility.

Describe what is happening, rather than judge. Keep statements behavioral, rather than global.

Ask for what you need. Clearly describe the behavioral changes you desire.

Be polite and appreciative. Express appreciation for what your partner does do; be respectful.

Express vulnerable emotions. When possible, describe more vulnerable than blaming emotions.