Colbert: Trump Meeting with Polish President Is Another Reminder that Our ‘Democracy Is on the Line’

COLBERT: “While he was in New York, Trump took some time off from the courtroom to pretend to be president again, because yesterday he met with Polish president Andrzej Duda.

♪ Who is sucking up to Trump? ♪
♪ Doo-da doo-da ♪

(Laughter)

That’s right. How long did they meet? Oh, all the doo-da day?
(Laughter)
You’ve got to find your fund where you can these days, folks. Duda is just the latest in a series of strongmen who visited Trump recently. Earlier this year, Trump met with the right-wing populist president of Argentina Javier Milei, as well as Hungary’s Viktor Orban. And who can forget this very cordial summit with Skeletor and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. ‘I was never on that airplane!’
(Laughter)
That’s Skeletor. Skeletor doesn’t want to be associated with Jeffrey Epstein. This is yet another reminder that in this election, our democracy is on the line. Which is why pollsters are asking voters the critical questions like, ‘Do Americans think Trump or Biden would win hot dog eating contest?’ Personally, I don’t know, but I think we just found a new great debate format. ‘I’m Wolf Blitzer, our first question is for President Biden. Sir, given the escalating crisis in the Middle East, would you rather fart out of your mouth or talk out of your butt?’ (Imitating Trump) ‘Could I take that one, Wolf?”
(Laughter)
The results of the poll are as unsettling as the contents of a hot dog. 58% backed Trump in the dog-down, while only 13% went Biden. Now, in the middle of a stressful court case, this must be so comforting news for Trump. ‘Mr. President, there’s going to be weeks of humiliating testimony about your sexual infidelity, but I wanted you to know you did just win a poll saying you could swallow much more pureed hog anus.’
(Mild laughter)
Really? Okay. Hog anus rarely gets applause. It wasn’t just — no!
(Applause)
For the love of God, don’t come down to my level. It wasn’t just vital questions about ingesting processed meats. This poll got answers on other major issues such as ‘Trump would beat Biden at having a poker face.’ Oh, yes, he is a master of deception. (Imitating Trump) ‘A lot of people, a lot of people are saying I have the perfect hand. They are saying it’s a queen, a seven, a four, a two of clubs and a holographic Squirtle Pokemon card... All in!’
(Laughter)
In another big win for the ex-president, pollsters determined that Trump would have a significant lead over Biden when it comes to fighting a medium-sized dog. I believe that. We already know he can dominate a lapdog, because I’ve seen him with Lindsey Graham.
(Audience reacts)
Really? Lindsey Graham fans.o Biden did come out on top in three categories: taching a beginners cooking class, housesitting for a long weekend, and changing a baby’s diaper. Kind of tells you everything you need to know about this election. ‘Well, I trust Biden with all the tasks that require care and empathy, but I’m going to to go with a guy who could bodyslam a poodle through a picnic table.”