11 months ago

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#DUTEIYAFO (Don't Use Today Even If Your Ass Falls Off)

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Day 27 - Play the whole tape through

Euphoric recall is a dangerous thing—remembering only the highs, the moments when everything seemed amazing, and I was invincible. The older I get, the better I was. For the longest time, I chased that feeling, the one I once thought would last forever. But when I play the whole tape through, I know the story doesn’t end there - and it's not even the story I thought I was chasing... was something else entirely. I know what would follow is the predictable downward spiral—less satisfaction, more consequences. While I have never acted on the thoughts, feelings, and desires to try to use again, so many of my friends have come back afterwards and the story was always the same, it was worse, so much worse, Every time.

The fantasy is that I could chase, and capture, the memory of that amazing feeling, but it is as elusive as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I know that even if there was an immediate result, the fleeting benefit would fade, and the certain consequences will grow. It’s a trap.

I know I must play the entire tape through and remember The more I chased "it", whatever "It" was, the further I fell, until I am left with nothing but that familiar wreckage—broken relationships, lost trust, financial ruin, and shattered health.

And then, after recovery begins, the dust starts to settle. My life began to heal. My bank account got better, health returned, and relationships were rebuilt. I found joy in living again, in ways I’d forgotten.

But then, like clockwork, yet out of nowhere, that fleeting thought hits me: What if I could just have one? What if I could taste that high one more time? It feels like an opportunity, a chance to relive those euphoric moments. But when I play the whole tape through, I know the end of the story. It doesn’t stop with one. One turns into many, and soon enough, I lose everything I've worked to rebuild. That’s why I must remember where the story goes. Playing the tape through helps me stay grounded, reminding me that life without the chaos, without the chase, is better than any fleeting high.

Additionally, not stopping at the thought of returning to a broken way of being keeps me in the process and actively participating in my recovery, with others who are also will show me, in real time, that jumping back into a life that didn't work before, still doesn't work.

No one has to relapse for me to recover, but the fact is people do, and if I don't, I can be there to help them back into a life free of the active addiction.

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