Make America British Again!

"Make America British Again.”

With another US election season under their belts, Americans have again found themselves stumbling through a turbulent political spectacle. Accusations of vote-rigging, claims of electoral meddling, and a last-minute candidate swap or two have only fueled a growing movement—one that’s boldly declaring, “Make America British Again.”

Imagine, if you will, an America devoid of hanging chads, electoral colleges, or surprise candidates dropped in last-minute. Under British rule, we might return to a more civilised way of governance. After all, some of history’s most potent leaders wielded power in a British parliamentary system. Prime Ministers were rarely changed overnight and, in the worst-case scenario, scandals were neatly swept under red-carpeted corridors, ensuring decorum stayed intact.

Back to Basics: Let’s Start with the Monarchy.

First and foremost, let’s talk about leadership. In place of the frenetic four-year presidential campaigns, we’d have The Windsor royal family. Think of it: an American Royal Court, complete with royal weddings and gilded carriages, all ensuring that the citizens never need worry about who’s in charge. Monarchy, you see, isn’t about popularity contests; it’s about continuity. Besides, after a few hundred years, the royal family practically runs itself.

More Tea, Less Spilled Beans.

Second, let’s consider policy: with British rule, America would finally get a taste of what a “proper” parliamentary session is like. Picture this: every Wednesday, the President (or Prime Minister) would be required to stand before Congress and answer questions from the opposition. Yes, Prime Minister’s Questions—but American-style. Could we finally hear members of Congress shout “Shame!” and “Hear, hear!” instead of throwing thinly veiled shade on Twitter? It would be refreshingly straightforward.

Vote for Parliament, Not for Drama.

The Electoral College? Gone. Rigged voting machines? A thing of the past. Americans would finally be freed from the labyrinthine electoral system in favour of a straightforward parliamentary democracy. Voters would simply cast their ballots for a party, and the party would select the leader. Can’t decide who’s the better candidate? Don’t worry—the party does it for you. Who needs a two-party system when you could have parties like “The Whigs” or “The Social Democrats” popping up, bringing colour and whimsy to the political scene?

From Washington to Buckingham.

And just think of the rebranding possibilities. The U.S. Capitol would be renamed “The House of Commons,” while the White House could be retrofitted with a few turrets, a couple of red telephone boxes, and perhaps a royal guard or two. Washington, D.C. might even get a title upgrade: we could rename it “Buckingham, D.C.,” in honour of our renewed friendship across the pond.

A Return to High Tea and Low Taxes.

Critics argue that rejoining Britain could lead to high taxes, but proponents counter that Americans would actually pay less in taxes than they do now, as they’d no longer need to sustain both a monarchy and a bloated electoral system. Plus, with free tea breaks at 4 p.m. (Tea Tuesdays!) and a Union Jack atop every government building, the cultural dividends are well worth any slight tax adjustment.

Joining Hands Across the Pond.

Ultimately, the “Make America British Again” movement isn’t about colonialism; it’s about Common Sense. It’s about doing the right thing, order, and returning to an era where leaders wear powdered wigs and solve disputes with witty banter and bemused shrugs. So let’s wave the Union Jack, ditch the partisan nonsense, and join hands across the pond to make America British again.

God Save the King—or, rather, the Prime Minister?