Don't Cry, Cryo™

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Voiceover: Are you distraught after the recent presidential election? Here, at Don't Cry Cryo™, we understand your pain, and we're here to help.

Our expert team of cryogenic care providers can cryogenically freeze you until the Trump Presidency has ended. No more crying, no more anxiety attacks, just blissful sleep until Trump is gone.

When you awaken from your slumber, we'll even have a party ready and waiting for you. It will be like his presidency never even happened. It was all just a bad dream.

As an added bonus, you can choose the Vance add-on package. We'll extend your sleep for an additional four years at a 50% discount, in the event JD Vance wins the next presidential election. Everything will be OK.

We're here to take care of you in your time of need. So remember: Don't Cry, Cryo™!

CUT TO: Interior, high-tech room full of cryogenic capsules. Unfrozen woman wakes up in 2033, after 8 years in cryogenic suspension.

Woman: Where am I? Oh, please tell me it's over! Wait, something isn't right.

CUT TO: Exterior, Cargo spaceship orbiting Mars

Voice of Elon Musk on a Public Announcement System: This is your Captain, uh, Elon Musk. I want to be the first one to welcome you to Mars.

Woman: Nooooooooooo!!!!!

Voice of Elon Musk on a Public Announcement System: Um, sorry, Donald Trump Jr was just elected President, um, and he deported all Don't Cry Cryo™ customers to Mars.

Woman: What the?