Welcome to… Kimwarts School of Juche and Wizardry

In the far, far East, hidden behind enchanted electric fences and a no-fly zone charm, lies the most secretive wizarding school in the world: Kimwarts.

Students are sorted not by a hat, but by the Supreme Sorting Marshal, a portrait of Kim Il-sung that yells your house before saluting itself.

The houses?

• Gloriouson – For the most loyal and photogenic.

• Bombdor – Where future missile magicians train.

• Redclaw – Cunning, paranoid, and really into espionage.

• Ministrypuff – They pretend to study, mostly praise posters.

The headmaster, Kim Dumbledore-un, wears long robes and platform shoes enchanted to make him look taller. His wand is made from wood grown on Mount Paektu and a unicorn hair that defected from the West.

Magic classes include:

• Transpropgandafication – Turning bad news into glorious achievements.

• Invisibility Cloak 101 – How to make your country disappear from global news.

• Defence Against the Western Arts – Constant drills with wands that double as potato peelers.

Hogwarts had owls. Kimwarts uses carrier pigeons trained to salute before flying.

Unfortunately, 70% never return — but that’s treason for you.

And the Triwizard Tournament?

Replaced with the Unichampion Games, where one student always wins.

Spoiler: It’s Kim Dumbledore-un… again.