50 + Stacey Dash - Romeo & Juliet

[Scene: A smoky, dimly-lit underground bunker somewhere deep in the war-torn ruins of Manhattan. The only sounds are the drip of a leaking pipe and the subtle hum of hidden electronics. Solid Snake, in his battle gear, emerges from the shadows with a slow, heavy breath through his voice modulator.]

Solid Snake (in Darth Vader voice):
“50… I am your father.”

[Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson raises an eyebrow, half amused, half confused.]

50 Cent:
“Yo, Snake, what the hell are you talkin’ about, man?”

Solid Snake (switching to his calm, chaplain-like alter ego):
“Curtis… listen to me, soldier. There are women out there—good women. Bad girls gone good. Women like Stacey Dash, who would love you for you. Not for your Bugatti. Not for your Vitamin Water deal. Even if all you had was a Canadian penny.”

[50 leans in, intrigued.]

50 Cent:
“A Canadian penny? Damn, they don’t even make those no more.”

Solid Snake:
“Exactly. That’s how rare and pure that kind of love is. I will be your father figure, Curtis… but not in a George Michael way.”

[Snake leans closer, narrowing his eyes through the night vision lens.]

Solid Snake:
“Kanye and Zyzz said it best: no homo.”

[Snake pauses, then adds diplomatically:]
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that… in Seinfeld language.”

[50 Cent laughs, the tension broken.]

50 Cent:
“You wild, Snake. But… you makin’ some sense.”

[Snake places a gloved hand on 50’s shoulder.]

Solid Snake:
“This world needs men who walk with purpose. Men who see beyond the glitz. Come with me. We got hearts to rescue… and pennies to find.”

[Cue dramatic orchestral remix of “In Da Club” fused with stealthy Metal Gear Solid tones as they walk into the shadows.]