DON'T SOME TV ADS MAKE YOUR @SS HURT?

What about some totally brain-damaging TV ads?
There’s a local ad that really makes your ass hurt.

#1. There’s a local furniture store owner who uses [his daughter?] as his pitch-person. The ads are typically “local” and “yawn-worthy” because their pitch-person is as boring as you can imagine. She’s about as captivating as paint drying in the sun. And her speech betrays her complete lack of training.

#2. In an effort to top their previous yawn-fest, they’ve put out a new ad. This one delivers an ass-hurting “Pucker Factor” of 9 out of 10. She says, “Are you looking for a new mattress for less than $8,000?” SAY WHAT? That’s right, she actually said, “$8,000!” My intern took a half-day calling over a dozen furniture stores within an hour’s drive here. He couldn’t find any selling any mattress for anywhere near $8,000!

#3. This bore-ya-to-death TV ad insinuates there are a lot of mattresses out there selling for $8,000. NOT! Let’s get real for just a minute, shall we? What would it take to make an $8,000 mattress? There’s a reason why there aren’t any $8,000 mattresses out there. ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT WITH WITH TOO MUCH MONEY AND NOT ENOUGH COMMON SENSE WOULD BUY ONE! THAT’S WHY THERE ARE NONE!

#4. When looking for a mattress with box spring, the most expensive one we could find was just under $3,100. Now, when you add things like motorized frames, sleep number selection, heaters, and even massage, we still couldn’t come close to finding an $8,000 mattress with box spring and all the goodies. The most expensive we could find was for an electric, auto-adjusting, selectable firmness, heated mattress with frame, which cost $5,600. Okie dokie! Where are those $8,000 mattresses this silly little bitch wants to save you from buying?

#5. In the end, it was clear that we couldn’t find anyone, rich or poor, clever or stupid, who
had ever spent anywhere near $8,000 on a mattress, even with all the goodies. Our
search was almost as grueling and mind-numbing as watching this ditzy broad push her products. We had a busy morning, but you know what it’s like trying to debunk deception.

#6. Finally, I called the offending furniture store. The phone was answered by some moronic imbecile who not only insisted that there were “stores all over the valley selling $8,000 mattresses.” But he tried to convince me of that. “Me thinks he doth protest too much.” After being subjected to his moronic drivel, the only thing I could do was to hang up the phone without slamming down the receiver.

How long would I have had to listen to, “We’ve found several stores in the area that have mattresses for a lot more than $8,000” before jumping off the nearest bridge?

#7. When you watch a TV ad which assumes you are an absolute idiot, that’s reason enough to change channels, NOT shop where they treat you like a complete idiot. BEFORE BUYING AN $8,000 MATTRESS, PUT DOWN THE DRUGS AND GET HELP!