Dystopian News Brief

A quasi sequel of the “War Planner” sketch. At the end of the sketch, General Nelson Miles, with tongue firmly planted in cheek (his own cheek, obviously) said that he “fear[ed] that someone will tell Geronimo about a secret plot to murder Geronimo and his band as soon as they cross the border, causing Geronimo and his band to escape, General Crook to lose his command, and making me the General’s successor.” That indeed did happen. General Miles would go on to run a successful liquor store (of which Geronimo and The Feebles are some of his best customers). In this sketch, we see what happened to General Crook. Looks like he has found a new post after all; he is now in command of a news desk.
It was also partially inspired by Chapter II of Niccolò Machiavelli’s 1531 work “Discourses,” (“Of How Many Kinds of Governments There Are and of What Kind the Roman Republic Was”). In it, Machiavelli talks about the six variations of governments:

Principality
Tyranny
Aristocracy
Oligarchy
Democracy
Anarchy

Each starts as a principality. Corruption eventually causes changes to the government in the order shown above. Once anarchy is reached, the government then becomes a principality again, repeating the cycle. This sketch jumps all over the place. Over the course of the sketch America goes from democracy (well, technically a constitutional republic) to anarchy to oligarchy to anarchy again, then aristocracy, then to tyranny, then to a principality (if you want to think of Geronimo as a prince).

Machiavelli argues that the best type of governments are those that have a mix of the three “good” governments (principality, aristocracy and democracy) where one can keep watch over the other (e.g., the Roman Republic).
Machiavelli claimed that a state going through such transitions could be invaded by a better organized neighboring state, but if no such state existed (as in the case of the United States, with its relative isolation from neighboring states), the cycle depicted in this sketch could continue endlessly.

George: “Upon hearing news of this political paralysis, Nick “The Can” Don-DeRode, leader of the occupational safety and health banana republic known as the People’s Democratic Republic of Over the Fence Technologies, and de facto head of the notorious produce gang Tren de Arugula, who, since the 2020s has been gradually making America more and more addicted to its diversified portfolio of cheap exploitable and ridiculously overprotected day labor, fruits, vegetables and (ahem) New World herbs and spices, leapt into action against the Kingdom, and became an irresistible force against an impotent object.” - The actions of Mr. Don-DeRode were Inspired by a report we here at CoBaD read a few years ago that it was estimated by the 2040s the majority of people in the US will be Hispanic. That report was released before the ballot box stuffing exercise known as the border crisis of the early 2020s, so Mr. Don-DeRode’s schedule might be pushed to the left a bit now. As for Mr. DeRode’s assortment of “New Wold herbs and spices,” you can thank Columbus for that. See the “Flight Pain” sketch.

George: “The King, Queen and Mr. Cortés left the Casa Blanca without taking any questions. They departed immediately for the Chinese Embassy, where they had a private drink reception and dinner at the compound, hosted by former Indiana Jones archenemy and current Chinese President Lao Che, leader of the infamous food additive cartel, MSG-13.” - Lao Che is the name of the villain in the opening scene of “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” (1984).

Geronimo: “Me think you like this stretch horse. Run flat hooves. Bullet and arrow proof. Poop slick offensive mechanism. Plus brand new catalytic converter. Got it for next to nothing; only had to pay for labor. Heap quiet ride...” Normally, a stretch horse would have run flat shoes, but as this is a Native American stretch horse, it is sporting run flat hooves. Native Americans did not put shoes on their horses.

Geronimo: “Columbus! Be sure to use GPS! You know, General of Papal States! Me no want you to get lost and end up in Columbus, Georgia again. Me no care to see that buffalo dildo Jackson. I owe him 20 bucks!” For more on the “GPS,” see “Arsenic and Old Prince,” a sketch featuring Cesare Borgia, the subject of Machiavelli’s more famous work, “The Prince.”

Geronimo: “Damn that Andrew Jackson. And that all hat and no cattle Chief Justice John Marshall. Sending all those casino owners out west. Me hate competition.”

John Marshall (1755-1835) was the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court from 1801-1835. In 1830, Georgia arrested a group of missionaries for entering Cherokee territory without a state permit. The Cherokee declared these arrests illegal. The Supreme Court, in Worchester v. Georgia (1832), ruled in favor of the Cherokee and said that the imposition of Georgia law on the Cherokee was unconstitutional. Horace Greeley alleges that when Jackson heard the ruling by Marshall, he said, "Well, John Marshall has made his decision, but now let him enforce it!" Well if that tactic didn’t work for school bullies, we fail to see how it would work against a state.

The Andrew Jackson reference refers to President Jackson’s forced displacement of five Native American tribes, commonly known as the “Trail of Tears.” In that Trail of Tears, five tribes were sent packing, forced to relocate from the southeast United States to Oklahoma: Cherokee, Muscogee, Seminole, Chickasaw and Choctaw. Two of the five (Chickasaw and Choctaw) currently own and operate the biggest casinos in Oklahoma (WinStar World Casino and Choctaw Casinos and Resorts, respectfully).

So clearly Geronimo had an ax to grind against two Supreme Court Chief Justices; John Marshall for foisting upon him additional competition, and Calum Mental for screwing up everything else.

Geez, declaring Georgia unconstitutional AND kicking all that casino money out the state. Georgia Gold Rush my ass; more like a Georgia Gold Exit. No wonder we had a civil war. Hope John Marshall was at least stuffed in a locker for all his trouble.

References:
Corporate Finance Institute. Hostile Takeover. https://corporatefinanceinstitute.com/resources/valuation/hostile-takeover/

Wikipedia. Trail of Tears. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trail_of_Tears

Wikipedia. Worcester v. Georgia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worcester_v._Georgia

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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.