Les Grossman: The Movie

Title: Les Grossman: Coke Zero Hour
Genre: Black Comedy / Satirical Drama
Starring: Tom Cruise as Les Grossman
Written & Directed by: Ben Stiller & Adam McKay
Runtime: 115 min

Logline:
When the world's most volatile Hollywood producer, Les Grossman, develops a brain tumor from chugging thirty Diet Cokes a day, he’s forced to confront his mortality, corporate corruption, and a shady pharmaceutical history. With the help of a rogue doctor and a horse dewormer, Les beats the odds, declares war on "Big Everything," and vows vengeance on the man he blames for it all — Donald Rumsfeld.

ACT I: "The King of Crap"
We open on Les Grossman, bloated, foul-mouthed, and sitting shirtless in his golden office, screaming at a studio exec over Zoom. He’s downing Diet Coke after Diet Coke — stacked in towers like trophies.

He’s producing a dozen movies at once (a Frozen remake with R-rated nudity, a Fast & Furious musical, and a TikTok dance biopic about Elon Musk), all while bragging about how his blood is "90% aspartame and rage."

Suddenly, Les collapses during a rage-filled rant about SAG-AFTRA. He wakes up in Cedars-Sinai with a diagnosis: a brain tumor the size of a tangerine.

ACT II: "Sweet Poison"
Les’ doctors recommend chemo and radiation, but he’s not having it. “I'm not losing my hair, you limp dicks! This is my brand!”

Enter Dr. Joel Fishman, a Harvard-educated renegade who got blacklisted from the AMA for "thinking too different." He offers Les an experimental treatment involving diet detox, vitamin D… and an off-label pharmaceutical: Iver Mectin, which he swears has hidden neuroprotective properties.

Les: “You’re telling me I took 3,000 Diet Cokes to the head… and the cure is goddamn horse goo?”

Fishman: “It's not horse goo. It's a Nobel Prize–winning molecule… that got torpedoed by—”

Les cuts him off. On a deep dive through Pentagon records and YouTube conspiracy holes, Les connects the dots: aspartame was pushed hard during the Bush years. Who was Secretary of Defense and former CEO of a pharma-adjacent giant?

Donald. Effing. Rumsfeld.

Cue Les screaming in a hospital gown:

“THAT FUCKSTICK POISONED MY BRAIN FOR PROFIT!”

ACT III: "Groom of Doom"
Now partially bald but still somehow tan, Les recovers miraculously under Fishman’s rogue regimen. He holds a live-streamed press conference from a tanning bed, shirtless, sweating, and raging:

“I beat cancer with off-label farm meds and righteous fury. Rumsfeld tried to kill me with Coke Lite, but guess what? I’m still here, and I’m suing the Pentagon!”

Les launches a new company, GrossPharma, dedicated to anti-corporate medicine (ironically sold in gas stations), and begins producing a documentary called “Sweet Poison: How Rummy Tried to Rot My Brain”, narrated by Ice-T.

The film ends with Les storming a Senate hearing wearing a bathrobe, flanked by Alex Jones and Gwyneth Paltrow, screaming about diet soda and military-industrial coverups.

Final Scene:
Back in his office, Les stares into the camera during a faux-inspirational monologue:

“I beat cancer. I beat Rumsfeld. And I’ll beat you, you little TikTok dipshits, if you ever make another AI movie without my goddamn permission.”

Roll credits to Rage Against the Machine's "Testify."

Post-Credits Scene:
Les takes a sip of regular Coca-Cola. A beat.
He spits it out and growls:

“Tastes like North Korea.”