Sexual Deviant...

[Intro – whispered]
I’m not saying I’m proud of it…
But I did once make love to a teapot.
(And it wasn’t even plugged in.)

[Verse 1]
Well I crept down the alley with a jar of whipped cream,
Wore a feather boa and a latex dream.
They said, “Sir, you’re banned from the library again,”
I said, “I just came for the Dewey Decimal sin.”

[Pre-Chorus]
I don’t do romance, I do performance art,
With a gimp mask, pogo stick, and a bleeding heart.

[Chorus – group chant]
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(He’s morally inconvenient!)
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(Probably banned from the precinct!)
🎶 Hide your pets and unplug your fridge,
He’s got desires that’ll make you twitch!
🎶 Sexual! (Oooh!) Deviant! (Aaaah!)
Call the priest, the press, and the fireman!

[Verse 2]
I once proposed to a mannequin bride,
Had a honeymoon ride on a waterslide.
I sent postcards from the local bin,
"Wish you were here – bring Vaseline!"

[Bridge – spoken word over ominous bass]
They said I crossed a line…
I said, “Which one? There were so many!”
The judge just sighed,
The jury dry-heaved.

[Verse 3 – whispered and sleazy]
Found love in a kebab shop loo,
With a stranger dressed as Scooby-Doo.
He said “Ruh-roh,” I said “Don’t judge me,”
We made a mess of morality.

[Chorus – bigger, louder]
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(His Google search is inconvenient!)
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(He once flirted with a sentient plant!)
🎶 Put a sock on the doorknob, say a prayer,
He’s the reason they invented “Beware!”
🎶 Sexual! (Ugh!) Deviant! (Yeah!)
You can’t unsee what he just sent!

[Breakdown – Gregorian chant meets disco drop]
🎶 Domina sancta lubricata…
In flagrante delicto, with a spatula!

[Final Chorus – with children’s choir for twisted irony]
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(He makes priests sweat and lawyers pant!)
🎶 Sexual deviant!
(Not safe for work or any event!)
🎶 He’s a legend, a menace, a walking shame,
But dammit if he doesn’t own his name!
🎶 Sexual! Deviant!
(Say it proud — or file a complaint!)

[Outro – echoing whisper]
I’m not a pervert…
I’m just creatively romantic…