How to Ruin a Song

My wife hates that my mind works this way.

I don’t do it on purpose, but my mind is damaged, and it just happens.

I’d like to pretend it’s a sort of Malcolm Gladwell “Blink” gift, where I can Spidey-sense things that are wrong, but it’s just an annoying trait.

Take Lost, for example.

When that was the biggest show on television, I watched a couple episodes…

…and guessed the end reveal almost immediately.

The only one I really remember is the introduction of the Korean characters.

When the episode began, there was an interaction that made me say, “Oh FFS… that one can speak English.”

I don’t remember if it was the man or the woman, but at the end of the episode came the “reveal:” OMG, THAT CHARACTER CAN SPEAK ENGLISH! TWIST ENDING!

Except, if you had an IQ above that of a tomato, you knew immediately.

Like having the V8 moment during The 6th Sense: Bruce Willis is dead.

Or The Crying Game: that’s a dude.

OK, those are “twists” that everyone should have seen, so maybe they don’t really apply here…

Musical examples involve Taylor Swift’s “Paper Rings,” where they chose to remain on the hi-hat the entire song, instead of switching to the ride during the chorus, or “You’re the Best Thing About Me,” by U2, where Edge just had to echo “walking away” after Bono croons, “Why are you walking away?”

Just little mistakes that damage the overall whole.

As I ask in the video: how does that happen?

Does NO ONE point it out?

Are they too afraid?

There’s a great story Trey Parker and Matt Stone tell about Russell Crowe: they were invited to a listening party of his album—because, like Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and Bruce Willis before him (and Steven Seagal, of all people)—he had to put out a record.

After listening to it, Russell’s posse lauded the hell out of it, heaping unnecessary praise upon the pugilist. When asked for their thoughts, Matt & Trey said the hand claps were kinda cheesy, and people sat in fear: you don’t dare push back against a celebrity!

Maybe that really is how bad art happens.

Anyway, if you’d never noticed the repetitive, annoying crash cymbal nonsense in the Modern English song “I Melt With You,” now it’ll be all you hear.

You’re welcome.