Don't Know Spit When I Hear It

The title of the skit was inspired by the famous quote from Supreme Court Chief Justice Potter Stewart regarding the Jacobellus v. Ohio case in 1964 “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. ButI know it when I see it, andthe motion picture involved in this caseis not that.” i.e., “I don’t know what pornography is, but I know it when I see it.” We here at CoBaD think this sort of statement (which Mr. Stewart later regretted) sets a bad precedent where figures of authority (judges, politicians) who are supposed to be impartial and objective, insert their own biases into deciding a case rather than strictly relying on the evidence at hand. As you can see, if we went or letting the rank and file decide for themselves. As you can see from the opening skit, it we went by Chief Justice Mental’s assessment where he bleeps out harmless propositions and names and lets by commonly agreed upon offensive words, we would have a really f*cked up world.

Censorship is more than just a political tool. There is a monetary aspect to it as well. When we here at CoBaD hear mainstream (or independent media for that matter) utter that a person’s comments are “controversial,” what they are really saying is that they believe at least one demographic, sponsor or special interest they are pandering to MIGHT think the comment is offensive. If you censor your own opinions either due to your own tastes or to the tastes of those you are trying to please, you cease at that point to be impartial and should in turn no longer call yourself such.

The “Stock Cars” skit (featuring Nelson (Nellie) Story, William (Billy) Fly and his faithful farting rental steed Mandan) is based on a one paragraph article in the August 6, 1887 edition of the Livingston Enterprise newspaper. In the article, it is reported that William Fly (1830-1887) sold a railroad car full of cattle to Nelson Story (1838-1936). William Fly is a troupe member’s third cousin four times removed. He, like C.S. Fly (form the “War Planner” sketch), is the great grandson of John Fly. For more on William Fly’s exploits as a Civil War soldier, see the notes on the “Badger Dog of Courage/Wifetime Warranty” sketch.

Incidentally, this was not the first encounter between Nelson and William. According to a Helena Weekly Herald article dated 14 August 1873, William drove 100 head of cattle on behalf of Nelson to the Crow Agency.
Nelson Story clearly was the more famous character in this skit, even more famous than Mandan, the gassy eunuch horse. Mr. Story was responsible for the first cattle drive from Texas to Montana in 1866. He became Bozeman, Montana’s first millionaire, and in 1893, played a prominent role in the establishment of the Agricultural College of the State of Montana (now called Montana State University). But this sketch isn’t about Story, it’s about “Uncle” Billy (as he was affectionately known in Bozeman). So write your own damn skit, Nelly.

William: "That’s what it says on the rental agreement. He’s got North Dakota plates on him, so I guess that’s where he’s registered. It’s kind of fitting really. I was stuck in Mandan, North Dakota back in May, 1885 driving 1,000 two year old heifers from St. Louis.” - True story (although another news article claims he was actually stopped in Glendive, Montana). Though in reality, it looks like William was able to get some cattle past the quarantine, as a June 17 article claims that he had arrived at his Springfield, Montana ranch with cattle. He would turn around and sell this cattle in August of that year.

William: “And while he’s in the shop, I decided to get the hostler to buff out his butt. 'Varmint' Vardiman Cockrell’s little punks keyed his ass a couple of years ago, but now he’s in for the dents, I’d just thought I’d take care of that too. Anyway, when I get back to Springdale, I’ll get the rental exchanged. Geez. I never should have declined the comprehensive coverage.” - William Fly purchased property from Vardiman Cockrell in about 1882. The land included a hotel with a dance hall and a toll bridge. William Fly renamed the hotel “Fly’s Bridges.” William regularly hosted parties and announced them in the local newspapers. The hotel and toll bridge no longer exist. A road named “Fly’s Crossing,” to the northwest of Bozeman, Montana dead ends at the Gallatin River where the bridge and hotel once stood.

Nelson: “Still got that timeshare of Henry Villard’s mine have you? You’re on the business end of a shaft I tell you. He’s a little shiftless if you ask me.” - Refers to a mining claim William Fly filed on 24 December 1883. Fly was one fourth owner of a quartz lode mine alongside Henry Villard (1835-1900). Henry Villard was an American journalist and an early President of the Northern Pacific Railway. In the 1880s, Villard acquired the New York Evening Post and The Nation, established the predecessor of General Electric, and was the first benefactor of the University of Oregon. According to a Bozeman Weekly Chronicle dated 05 September 1883, Villard made a two hour stop in Bozeman. William Fly was on the Villard welcoming committee, specifically, on the Committee of Agricultural Exhibit (incidentally, Nelson Story was there too, he was on the Reception Committee, the Transportation Committee and the Committee on Printing). Presumably this encounter is where Fly learned of and eventually took one-quarter possession of Villard’s mine.

Quartz mines were essentially gold mines, which would make sense, as William Fly was quite successful at gold mining in California and Colorado as stated in the skit. The mine appeared to be nearly worthless, though. According to a paper filed with the Probate Court of the County of Gallatin, Montana Territory, on 29 February 1888, his 1/4 share was valued at one dollar ($1), or about $33.84 in 2025 dollars. So yes, William was shafted.

William: “Okay. You know, Nellie, I’ve been meaning to hire a band to play for a Grand Ball at my hotel in October. You think they’d be interested?”- William Fly had a dance hall at his hotel. This is in reference to one of his Grand Balls. Ad advertisement for a Grand Ball held in October, 24, 1884 said that tickets including supper, were $2.50 each. That is $82.01 in 2025 dollars, which appears to us to be a rather hefty sum for Montanans to shell out.

Nelson: “I said, ‘You’d better get that pinky looked at!’ Looks like it’s gangrene!”
William: “You’re color blind, Nellie! It’s gone red, not green!”

According to William Fly’s 23 December 1887 obituary in the New North West Times, William Fly had injured his pinky by the sudden bucking of a horse. William refused to have it looked at, eventually resulting in the hand becoming useless. He finally went to Bozeman to have a doctor look at it. The doctor recommended amputation, but Fly insisted that it be saved, so he sought a second opinion. The second doctor drained the finger. The pain temporarily subsided, but then infection quickly returned and spread to his arm and shoulder. William Fly refused to seek additional treatment until it was too late. He died in the Sisters’ Hospital in Helena, Montana on December 23, 1887 of gangrene. Okay, so it was a tasteless joke; not all jokes can be tasty and lip smacking, you know.

William: “Okay, Chief Justice Mental, that concludes the aural obscenity screening test for your left ear. Now switch the headset over to the right ear and we’ll do it again.” – The audiometry skit is a sendup of a visual field screening test. This visual field screening test is conducted during an annual eye exam. The test has you look inside a semicircle with numerous holes in it scattered thought out the interior if the semicircle, with each hole having an LED inside it. The patient is to press a pickle switch every time he sees a light go off while looking straight head. The purpose is to test the patient’s entire visual field, both foveal and peripheral. So the purpose of the audiometry skit was for Chief Justice Mental to hammer the pickle switch with his “gavel” every time he heard an obscene word. For more on Justice Calum Mental, see the “Dystopian News Brief” sketch.

The “RAPuhz fuhNETik SHOHkays“ sketch was inspired by a phonics, one of our troupe members’ favorite classes when he was in first and second grade. Special thanks to Youglish.com for providing us with the phonetic pronunciation of these words. I guess YouTube is rather YouSeful after all.

Li’l Nasty Cardiologist is a sendup of the rapper Cardi B. When a troupe member of ours first heard the name Cardi B, he thought “Cardi” was short for cardiologist. He envisioned that the rapper had a father who was a heart specialist, and that when Cardi B was a girl she would work in her father’s office, giving water to the patients in the waiting room and making sure they were comfortable while they were being treated. It seemed like a nice tribute to her father. In reality, though, the name Cardi B was a derivation of Bacardi, a cheapass rum. Pity. Nevertheless, the post show press conference decided to press ahead with his vivid imagination and incorporate a bit of his encounters with heart specialists into the post show press conference skit.

The questions in the post-show press conference skit mention in passing the lyrics to ‘Li’l Nasty Cardiologist’s rap “A Thousand Cells Die.” The lyrics are from a poem a troupe member of ours wrote when he was 20 years old. Theey go as follows:

I had a dream the other night,
A beautiful flight, a beautiful sight,
A woman all dressed in satin white,
Marching through a grass swept field.

The groom awaits at the top of the hill,
Strong in will, solemnly still
Waiting briefly for his dream until,
The bride’s father does yield.

The women of the bride softly cry,
Along with the high, birds of the sky,
For every cell in love, a thousand cells die
Think these ladies of the morning.

The men of the groom worry so,
Watching love grow, watching youth go,
Scattering seeds too late to sow,
Imagine these men of burning warning.

The orchestra plays an elegant selection,
For the couple’s recession, as if by election,
Sadly playing in the opposite direction,
Across the valley steep.

I suddenly awoke from the euphoric life,
Battling the strife, remembering the wife,
Plunging into my heart a white hot knife,
Praying for a dreamless sleep.

William: “Knock that sh** off , Mental! We haven’t restarted the test yet. Didn’t you hear what I just said? That’s the distractor skit you’re censoring!” - A distractor task (sometimes called an interference task) is a brief task that is done during a psychology experiemnt between presenting a list of items too subject and asking him or her to recall them. The distractor task (i.e., counting backwards by threes starting from a three digit number for 30 seconds) is inserted between the presentation of the words and the recall of the words in order to prevent subjects from rehearsing the words and committing them to long term memory. This could be used to test if closely associated with each other (coat, tie, shoes) would be easier to recall than if they were random items with a weak relation (coat, piano, windshield).

The “Stock Cars” theme is courtesy Freepik.com. The Rapper’s Phonetic Showcase theme, “We Stay Strong” by Joseph, is courtesy Premiumbeat.com. All sound effects are courtesy videvo.net, freepik.com and pixabay.com. The excerpt of John Chapter 3 verse 16 in Morse code is courtesy pixabay.com

References:

Inflation Calculator. https://www.in2013dollars.com/

Wikipedia. Henry Villard. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Villard

Wikipedia. I know it when I see it. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_know_it_when_I_see_it

Youglish.com www.Youglish.com
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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable fate of all, social media. A waste that will truly rack your brain. Just ask Anna Karenina, she knows all about brain-racking. Or maybe it was brain-wrecking. We’re not sure, it’s definitely one of the two.