Trump Teaches Inmates to Zigzag from Gators: “Your Chances Go Up 1%”

D.C. (Dist. of Criminals), July 1, 2025 — Reporting live from the White House lawn, Fox News correspondent Peter Doocy confirmed that President Trump is moving full steam ahead with what’s being dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz,” a massive detention facility in the Florida Everglades designed to hold thousands of high-risk illegal immigrants and criminal detainees—surrounded, quite literally, by alligators.

“Alligators can actually run pretty fast, up to 35 miles an hour,” Doocy began. “Not for long, but long enough to be a problem for an escapee.” Moments before President Trump boarded Marine One for his trip to the new facility, Doocy asked him directly about the concept. Trump responded, “I guess that’s the concept. This is not a nice business… We’re gonna teach them how to run away from an alligator. Don’t run in a straight line—run like this. Your chances go up about 1%.”

The Department of Homeland Security has already embraced the theme, posting an image of real alligators wearing ICE hats to their official page on X (formerly Twitter). Legal challenges have emerged quickly, with groups like Friends of the Everglades and the Center for Biological Diversity filing suit. Their claim? The plan is “not only cruel” but “threatens the Everglades ecosystem that taxpayers have spent billions to protect.”

But Trump officials are brushing off the criticism. “Look,” said one source, “when you have illegal murderers, rapists, and heinous criminals in detention, yeah—we think alligators help deter escape attempts.”

The prison, situated on a 1968-era abandoned airfield, is no small experiment. “You’ve got 39 square miles of swamp,” Doocy explained. “You’ve got one road in, and only one way out—a deportation flight. There’s a 10,500-foot runway, 5,000 beds, and the entire area is completely surrounded by Everglades.”

Speaking on location, a Trump administration official added, “It’s a pretty cool site. A lot of concrete. We’ve been trying to think about what to do with it for years, and President Trump gave us the idea. He’s always liked the idea of reopening the original Alcatraz, but this might be better. There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide.”

Detainees may start arriving as soon as today, and the funds used for this facility were reportedly diverted from migrant hotel placements in New York City. “It’s efficient. It’s effective. And it sends a message,” said one DHS official.

As for Trump, he seemed pleased by the unconventional deterrent strategy. “Alligators and snakes—this is not a nice business. But it works.”

Peter Doocy Reports: ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ Opens with 5,000 Beds, One Road Out, and Gators on Patrol

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