Knob Gobbler

[Intro – Slurred lounge singer voice]
[Spoken, sleazy tone]: Here to perform the raunchiest poultry anthem north of Moose Jaw... give it up for Josh 4 Canada and his lonely little snood!
[SFX: Gobble gobble... GULP.]

[Verse 1]
[Singing]
I’m the only gay turkey in this backwoods flock,
Feathers limp, snood down, just a ticking cock.
I strut through the barnyard in my socialist sash,
But no hen clucks for me—I'm turkey trash.
(Gobble gobble... GULP.)

[Chorus]
They call me Knob Gobbler, I can't get laid,
Just fluffin’ feathers while my dignity fades.
I gobble down wood like I’m suckin’ for grain,
Swallowin' pride, and turkey dick shame.
(Gobble gobble gobble... GULP GULP GULP.)

[Verse 2]
Gobbler won’t cuddle, he says I’m too soft,
My testicles shriveled from prairie frost.
Tried to start a commune out near Red Deer,
But it flopped harder than my turkey rear.
(Gobble gobble... splat.)

[Bridge – Country style]
I dreamed of drumsticks in a sweaty bunk,
But all I got was goose-honked and skunk-drunk.
My neck’s been pecked, my ass is sore,
Even the pigs say, “Josh, you’re a bore.”
(GOBBLE sob sob... GULP.)

[Spoken Interlude – Like a Canadian trucker radio show caller]
[Spoken]: Yeah hi, long-time listener... just wanna say, that turkey Josh? He’s been suckin’ on more knobs than the CBC’s ratings department. GOBBLE on, ya bird freak!

[Chorus – Power ballad version]
I’m the knob gobbler, the shameful bird,
My love life’s drier than a Mennonite’s word.
I’m the only gay turkey in a field full of prudes,
Just me and my dreams and my maple-leaf nudes.
(Gobble gobble... gag... GULP.)

[Verse 3 – Metal breakdown]
Strap-on hens in leather and lace,
Still wouldn’t sit on my turkey face.
Even the cockatoos say “hell no bro,”
Guess it’s just me, my lube, and snow.
(Screamed: GOBBLE GOBBLE!!! GULP!!)

[Final Chorus – Gospel style, overly dramatic]
Can I get a GOBBLE?
Can I get a GULP?
He tried to preach Marxism but got banned from Yelp!
Now he sings alone, with his tail down low,
Peckin’ the shaft of an old scarecrow.
(Gobble... gulp....)