Verstitution Pt9

Pt8: https://rumble.com/v6xax6u-verstitution-pt8.html / 7: v6x7qh8-verstitution-pt7.html / 6: v6x4cf2-verstitution-pt6.html / 5: v6x0v6e-verstitution-pt5.html / 4: v6wyfv6-verstitution-pt4.html

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Ernest: "Did Officer Donaldson have the right to detain me as a witness after Ms. Guardino fled the scene?"

Lt: "As long as you agreed to make a statement, you'd have been free to leave."

Ernest: "Maybe arrest him for false imprisonment, too."

Lt: "If you want him arrested on such serious charges, we're going to have to question each of you separately to arrive at the truth. Which do you desire more: to leave or seek retribution?"

Ernest: "I'll just leave. Thank you."

Lt: "You don't want any ice cream? You look like a guy who would enjoy ice cream. Please, stay for some ice cream."

Ernest: "No, thank you. Donaldson is insisting on Rocky Road, which has peanuts."

Lt: "Very well. Enjoy your evening."

Ernest: "Thank you."

[Ernest stops at the ATM outside the bank to retrieve $500, and another $500 from his other bank, prior to driving to Madison's house to make a down payment.

Ernest arrives about 10 minutes later at Madison's house to present her with the insufficient funds.

The doorbell ding dongs as Ernest presses the button surrounded by a vertically elongated yet standard, Satanic-like symbol made of imitation gold.]

Madison: "Ernest? What happened to you? But... more importantly, where's my money?"

[A voice is audible behind Madison.]

Unknown entity: "Who is it?!"

Madison: "It's just my attorney! Get back on the webcam before people cancel their subscriptions!"

Ernest: "Who is that? She sounds awfully familiar."

Madison: "It's just my friend, Amelita. Why? What's the problem?"

Ernest: "Not Amelita Guardino?"

Madison: [Shocked] "Yes! Why?! How do you know her?!"

Ernest: "She's the teller at my bank! Didn't she tell you anything?!"

Madison: [Sputtering] "What? That she didn't want to go to jail and ran out of the bank? Who cares?"

Ernest: "Why is she here, of all places?!"

Madison: "We do live shows together sometimes, but she wears a mask, so it doesn't matter."

Ernest: "Are you kidding?! Do you know ANYTHING about the surveillance grid?! She probably has her car parked in front of your house, equipped with GPS monitoring software. She surely has her ID and payment cards with her... all of which are trackable. I can't even give you cash, now, because that's trackable!"

Madison: "You're so paranoid, Ernest!"

Ernest: "Never mind that. Why are you mixed up with Amelita?"

Madison: "Have you seen her boobs? They're not nearly as big as mine. She has to moonlight to make ends meet. Hiding her face due to her public life is the greatest threat to her income stream, though, as far as I'm concerned. Men want big boobs AND a visible, pretty face."

Ernest: "Are you still trying to get me to look at your boobs?"

Madison: "No."

[Ernest absent-mindedly looks at her chest because she apparently doesn't want him to.]

Madison: [Grinning seductively] "See anything you like?"

Ernest: "Why are you only wearing nipple tape?!"

Madison: "I just stepped away from the camera and didn't have time to throw on a shirt before answering the door."

Ernest: "What if I'd been your father, or a boyscout selling coupon books?"

Madison: "Hmm. You just gave me something to think about. Anyway, what are you going to do about housing until the smoke clears?"

Ernest: "I guess I'll just get a room at a crappy national chain motel, over in the big city. Those honor farm freaks won't be expecting me at one of those dives. They might call the major hotels, but the spy agencies wouldn't waste the time offering intel to them."

Madison: "Walk with me across the street, Ernest."

Ernest: "As you are?"

Madison: "Why not? I'm legally clothed. Besides, ninety percent of the people on this street are subscribers. The other ten percent are too high to remember anything the next day."

[Ernest begins walking across the street, then waits on the sidewalk.]

Madison: "How much cash do you have on you?"

Ernest: "About $4,000."

Madison: "Drop $2,000 or so, then I'll drive you to a nice hotel so I can make a reservation for you with my credit card."

Ernest: "What exactly is this plan of yours?"

Madison: "Like with laundering, we're giving the money a story. You lost
it... I found it."

Ernest: "You're going to put on a shirt first, though, aren't you?"

Madison: "Do you think I'm some sort of sleazy whore?"

Ernest: "You expect me to answer that?"

Madison: "You already have. Now you owe me $10,000 instead of $7,500."

Ernest: "Why?!"

Madison: "For the delay in receipt of full payment."

Ernest: "I thought it was because..."

Madison: "Yeah, yeah. I know. Shut up."

[Laughing at Madison's obvious lack of sincerity as she stands virtually topless in broad daylight in the middle of suburbia, Ernest ponders strategy.]

Ernest: "Madison? Let's caravan over to my place so I can drop off my car, then I'll ride with you to the hotel and the car rental agency."

Madison: "Car rental, too? I forgot all about that. How long's that gonna take?"

Ernest: "Your part shouldn't be more than about 15 minutes."

Madison: "Can't you just use the bus?"

Ernest: "You don't have much patience, do you?"

Madison: "Are you only learning that about me as of this moment, or are you being mean?"

Ernest: "The latter."

Madison: "The ladder? What are you talking about?"

Ernest: "No, the L A T T E R latter. The second thing you said."

Madison: "Do you want penalties on top of the 10 grand?"

Ernest: "No."

Madison: "Then shut up, get in your car, and let's get this over with. And you say I don't have patience... when you're not willing to ride the bus?"

[Madison walks toward her car and opens the driver door, ready to go.]

Ernest: "Madison?! Your shirt!"

Madison: "You can't help yourself, can you? You had to look again. Ya know... If everybody always looked everyone in the eyes, we could all walk around topless."

Ernest: "But wouldn't you be out of a job in that environment of normalization?"

Madison: "No way! Worst case scenario, I'd have to learn how to dance."

Ernest: "You mean to tell me that learning how to dance is worse than prostitution?"

Madison: "It always comes back to sex, doesn't it?"

Ernest: "But dancing isn't illegal."

Madison: "At most nightclubs, the chicken dance can get you arrested."

Ernest: [Rolling eyes] "Touché. Reckless endangerment IS worse than accepting money or valuables for sex. You have wisdom beyond your years. Now go get a shirt."

[Madison exhales and grumbles threateningly at Ernest, snickers, then slams the car door and runs toward the house with her arms folded over her chest.]

[Approximately three minutes later, Madison emerges from her house, wearing a low thread count, skin tight white shirt, no nipple tape, and no bra. Ernest knows better than to say anything else, as Madison may be approaching a state of genuine aggravation.]

Ernest: [Muffled mumble] "Oh, my God."

Madison: "Ready?"

Ernest: "Yes, but change of plans. I realized it's going to be too risky to drop the car off at my place, so I'm going to donate it instead."

Madison: "You're going to donate a car THAT nice?! Why don't you just give it to me?! Park it in the garage and I'll get new plates after you transfer ownership."

Ernest: "But I don't get the write-off for that."

Madison: "So? How much would the write-off have been?"

Ernest: "I don't know. Probably not even a grand."

Madison: "Then you only owe me $9,500 instead of the full 10."

Ernest: "$9,000."

Madison: "9,350."

Ernest: "9,275."

Madison: "Deal. Aren't I generous?"

Ernest: [Sarcastic] "You bet. $725 for a car with a $25,000 Blue Book value makes me feel like I'm in the company of Mother Teresa."

Madison: "YUCK! Don't make mommy jokes. You don't think I get enough of that?"

Ernest: "It wasn't a mommy joke. It was a saint joke, and a bad one."

Madison: "You don't have to tell me."

Ernest: "Speaking of cars, though, where does Amelita have hers parked?"

Madison: "In the garage."

Ernest: "Is there room for a second car?"

Madison: "No. Why?"

Ernest: "You better tell her to ditch that thing. The police are going to find her in a hurry due to the GPS tracking capabilities that come standard on all vehicles nowadays. I'm not kidding. She'll be sent to jail, and so will you. Most people don't realize just how clerical, simple, and boring detective work has become within the spy grid."

Madison: "What a waste of my time... all those words! We're back up to 10 grand again, and I still get to keep your car."

Ernest: "Fine. I don't care. Tell Amelita to get rid of her car and take a bus back here, or get a ride from a friend who isn't one of her employment references, nor on any of her social media friend lists. She shouldn't be using her own phone, though."

Madison: "Why are you trying to help the woman who falsely imprisoned you?"

Ernest: "I'm trying to help YOU by helping her."

Madison: [Blushing] "Aww-uh!"

[Ernest blushes as well. Civility is finally in bloom.

Ernest and Madison get in Madison's car, bound for downtown in the city, to book a room.]

Ernest: "Could I borrow your phone real quick, Madison?"

Madison: "Sure. It's in the large side compartment of my purse."

Ernest: "Thanks."

[Ernest unzips the purse, grabs the phone, and dials.]

Ernest: "Hello, Claudia?"

Claudia: "Yes. May I ask who's calling?"

Ernest: "It's Ernest Kittenish. How did the investigation go?"

Claudia: "Oh, great news! The footage absolutely cleared your name. There won't be any charges filed."

Ernest: "Fantastic! How 'bout we celebrate? I'd be happy to treat you to dinner at Le Prix... Votre Âme. Are you available between 8 and 9?"

Claudia: "That sounds amazing, thank you, but isn't that a bit late for dinner?"

Ernest: "They don't really serve dinner. It's more a series of post-dinner snacks that all the guests and staff pretend to comprise a meal, so I'd load up in the next couple hours. There's a dress code, though."

Claudia: "Load up? That sounds lady-like."

Ernest: "However you get dinner done. It's none of my business. Please hold for a second."

Claudia: "Sure. And, if I may say so, you're quite the romantic, Ernest."

Ernest: "Setting aside your sarcasm, it's just a gesture of gratitude, not a date."

[Claudia gulps nervously. Ernest turns to Madison.]

Ernest: "Would you care to join us?"

Madison: "Yeah, that sounds good. I guess I need to go shopping, though."

Ernest: "Yeah... We'll get you a nice dress."

[Madison smiles. Ernest puts the phone back up to the right side of his face.]

Ernest: "Claudia? My friend, Madison, will be joining us for the experience of tiny French food. Is that okay with you?"

Claudia: "That's fine. What time should I be there?"

Ernest: "8... 8:30. They're not going to be crowded this time of year."

Claudia: "Okay. I'll see you in a couple hours. Bye."

Ernest: "See ya soon, Claudia."

Madison: "We should probably go to the dress shop before the hotel, since they'll be closing soon."

Ernest: "Yeah. That's true. I could rely on cabs for a few days if we run out of time tonight. Then you could meet me at the rental car agency when it's convenient for you."

Madison: "Hey... Ernest?"

Ernest: "Yes?"

Madison: "Have you ever wanted to re-create that scene from "Pretty Woman" at an upscale clothing store?"

Ernest: "Not particularly, no. Is that a fantasy you've been entertaining?"

Madison: "Not the hooker part, but, yeah... every girl, at one point in her life, wants to be pampered like royalty."

Ernest: "Yeah, sure. Let's do it. You go in, find some subtle way of seeming indigent and / or obnoxious, and I swoop in like a fat walleted superhero to rescue you from subpar customer service, correct?"

Madison: "Not exactly like that, no."

Ernest: "How much did I get right?"

Madison: "Fat."

Ernest: "Uh huh... thanks."

Madison: "And fat-walleted."

Ernest: "That's 2 for 4, or something. An F by any scholastic measure, but not an 'incomplete' as a notch on my belt of irreverent hijinx."

Madison: [Smiling semi-affectionately, laughing] "Whatever boosts your confidence, Ernie."

[Ernest smirks. Madison spots a clothing store to her liking 8 or 9 blocks down the boulevard.]

Madison: "Okay, so... I walk in, make a scene to get myself kicked out, and I come out to get you with your wallet full of plastic with unimaginable spending limits. Got it?"

Ernest: [Rolling eyes] "I think I can handle that, yes."

[Ernest sits in the car for 5 minutes listening to some drive-time talk radio. The host is discussing how much he enjoys the polarity of his listenership, and how being hated is more profitable than being adored. Ernest neither hates nor adores the host, and shuts him off because discussing one's listenership on the radio is like talking about writing a book in one's book.

Madison storms out of the store, but laughs in Ernest's direction where the staff can't see her face. Ernest steps out of the car, and Madison throws her arms around him as if she's devastated and in desperate need of loving arms. Ernest puts on his best game face as if he's out for blood.

Ernest and Madison walk through the door to the dress shop.]

Clerk / Fitter: "What is SHE doing back in here?! She looks like a participant in a drought-friendly wet t-shirt contest!"

Ernest: "Madam? I need you to apologize to this young lady, immediately and profusely. She's lawfully clothed, and your distaste for the sight of female nipples..."

Clerk: "AND areolae!"

Ernest: "Of course... AND areolae... are YOUR baggage, not hers!"

Clerk: "How much is my apology worth to you, sir? Would you, in all likelihood, be planning to spend an obscene amount of money? This is not my first rodeo since "Pretty Woman", ya know?"

Ernest: "Well... She needs 1 dress. I could go as far as 2, but not 3. As for obscene, let's steer away from that and favor an alluring appeal, at most."

Clerk: "Very well. I'm sorry that you're spending so little money, but I'll be happy to get your lady friend fitted if she'd kindly accompany me to the dressing room."

Ernest: "Not the apology I was seeking, but, as an attorney, I fully appreciate your exploitation of generality."

[A montage shows Madison trying on 5 dresses, and admiring herself in the mirror, finding 2 to her liking. Ernest also sprung for a pair of silver flat shoes. Madison keeps the red dress on, and places her new little black dress, shirt, and pants in the trunk of her car.]

Madison: "Hey, Ernest?"

Ernest: "Yes?"

Madison: "Why don't you book the hotel from my phone while we look for a place to have a full meal before meeting with your friend at the French restaurant?"

Ernest: "The trouble is I'm not too familiar with the hotels in this city, and I'd prefer one with underground parking to maintain a lower profile. I guess I could call a couple of the front desks if they don't specify the parking situation on the booking site. What kind of food are you in the mood for? There's an Asian fusion seafood buffet not too far from here. Sound good?"

Madison: "Yes! I'm starving! Also, don't forget to give me the key to your car so I can put it in the garage."

Ernest: "Do you need to call Amelita?"

Madison: "No. She was about to leave, anyway, when you got there."

Ernest: "Where is she hiding out?"

Madison: "She said she was planning to return to The Philippines to avoid jail."

Ernest: "She'd better hurry, or drive to Mexico and book a flight there. As I'm sure you know, the airlines check for outstanding warrants."

[Another montage shows Ernest and Madison chowing down on multi-Asian cuisine, with timelapse footage of Ernest clicking and swiping away on Madison's phone. They stand up, pay their bill at the register, and head toward the French restaurant.

Claudia is already there, 5 minutes before 8.]

Claudia: [Smiling, but not too much] "Hi, Ernest."

Ernest: "Hi, Claudia. Beautiful dress!"

Claudia: [Bigger smile] "Thank you, Ernest."

[Ernest points at Madison, then at Claudia.]

Ernest: "Claudia? Madison. Madison? Claudia."

Claudia: "How do you do, Madison? Pleasure to meet you."

Madison: "You as well. Thank you."

Ernest: "Did the complimentary valet take care of your car?"

Claudia: "Yes. They did. The gentleman was very nice."

Ernest: "Do you know WHY it's complimentary?"

Claudia: "I'm sure I don't."

Ernest: "Collateral."

Madison: "You're joking, aren't you?"

Ernest: "Nope. It's a ritzy dine 'n' dash prevention strategy. Let's have some fun with the staff, though, Claudia, since you won't have a bill to show the valet. He'll think you snuck out, and he might even call the police."

Claudia: "Hahaha! That's classic! Because I'm..."

[Claudia bends over in a fit of amusement.]

Ernest: "By the way, Madison? Claudia is a police officer, soon to be a full-time private investigator."

Madison: "Oh, wow! That's great! Congratulations! You must be excited."

Claudia: "Very, and thank you. What sort of work do you do?"

Madison: "I'm a model."

Claudia: "I can see why. You're absolutely stunning."

[Madison smiles and blushes.]

Madison: "You're so sweet. Thank you."

Claudia: "How did you and Ernest make an acquaintance?"

Madison: "Uh..."

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