Verstitution Pt11

Pt10: https://rumble.com/v6xl4ii-verstitution-pt10.html / 9: v6xkkis-verstitution-pt9.html / 8: v6xax6u-verstitution-pt8.html / 7: v6x7qh8-verstitution-pt7.html / 6: v6x4cf2-verstitution-pt6.html

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[A 3rd montage shows Ernest, Claudia, and Madison enjoying their Hors d'Oeuvres and champagne, and also chatting, smiling, laughing: thoroughly enjoying one another's company.

Suddenly, shouting is heard from the lobby, and several formerly disgruntled patrons return to learn what's causing all the commotion.
The secret of the closet is a secret no longer.]

DP1: "He's got nothing to do in there except sit and watch us on the monitor!"

DP2: "I've waited in this lobby for at least 7 to 10 minutes every time I've come here... WITH a reservation!"

[The remainder of the dozen or so revived disgruntled patrons begin shouting simultaneously, amounting to incoherent yet formidable babble.

The manager pulls at his hair and then covers his eyes with his left hand, knowing with absolute certainty that the restaurant will be ruined by the socialites' party chatter.

He called an ambulance while the locksmith retrieved his tools. The maitre d' is taken to the hospital for a thorough examination, but his hysterical paraplegia resolved itself as soon as the paramedics wheeled him out of the restaurant on a gurney.

All of the regulars have walked out, refusing to pay anything based on an attorney's threat to file a class action suit. Time is money, and the maitre d' was indeed gouging with management sanction.

The manager, appearing gaunt with disheveled hair, returns to speak with Ernest, Claudia, and Madison.

Ernest, Claudia, and Madison are worried upon seeing the manager's facial expression and frizzy hair.]

Manager: "I wanted to apologize again for the trouble this evening. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, we will no longer be able to offer you the 50% discount."

Ernest: "You're joking, right?"

Manager: "I wish I was. This will be our last day in business, and we can't afford to incur any additional losses."

Ernest: [Looking to Claudia and Madison] "Ladies? Shall we stay, or try another French restaurant in the next few days?"

Claudia: "We did come here expecting to pay full price, and... apart from the management permitting the maitre d' to hide in a closet and waste customers' time for years, it's not as if the situation could have been avoided."

Manager: "Yes, thank you. I partially appreciate your understanding."

[Madison is no longer able to contain her amusement, finally permitting herself to enjoy a burst of laughter. There are only a handful of diners remaining, and not a one of them is concerned any longer with dignity: only the 25% discount that's soon to be rescinded.

Claudia sneers at the manager, but upon seeing his messy hair and obvious signs of stress in his face, she chooses to avoid aggravating him. Besides, upscale restaurateurs also produce sputum, and those planning to permanently shutter their doors would be inclined to exercise far less caution in matters of food handling.]

Ernest: "Well, ladies... Shall we try the 5 or the 7 course meal? Either is fine with me."

Madison: "I'd like to try the 7 courses, never having eaten at a place like this before."

Claudia: "That sounds good to me, too."

[Ernest looks to the manager.]

Ernest: "We'll have the 7 course meal, sir. Thank you."

Manager: "Very good, sir, and curtailing the sporadic use of French was also a very wise decision. It is FULLY appreciated."

[The manager glares briefly, but sternly, at Claudia, again, after smiling at Ernest. Claudia smirks rather than sneers, figuring that that might spare her a sampling of filet mignon drizzled with phlegm sauce.]

[The head chef returns to the trio's table a few minutes later with a vegetable / fruit plate.]

Chef: "Cucumber and kiwano."

Madison: "Kiwano looks like green pomegranate."

Chef: "Indeed."

Ernest: "Have either of you tried kiwano before?"

[Madison and Claudia answer "No" almost simultaneously.]

Ernest: "I believe this is a joke."

[The chef smiles and winks acknowledgement at Ernest. Madison scoops some kiwano with her spoon and daintily shovels it into her mouth.]

Madison: "Kiwano tastes like cucumber... but it's a fruit?"

Chef: "The manager regretted having to rescind the 50% discount, so he suggested an 8th course be added to the meal as a semi-expensive practical joke."

Claudia: "Kiwano is obviously an exotic fruit, but how much would one reasonably expect to pay for one?"

Ernest: "At a chain grocery store, if they even carry kiwano, you were looking at $5 or more for just 1. That was over 20 years ago, too. Who knows what the price is today? What you're sampling right now is surely organic, and of far superior quality."

Madison: "But it tastes exactly like cucumber. Why would anyone spend that much and not just buy a cucumber?"

Ernest: "Why do Floridians waste their time flying to Paris to visit Euro Disney?"

[The chef, not being terribly fond of the park's global expansion, delivers a polite nod to Ernest.]

Chef: "I shall return in a few moments with a proper plate of exotic fruits."

Ernest: "Thank you, sir. Great joke, by the way: seriously."

[Ernest and the chef exchange friendly grins.]

[Another montage occurs, showing the chef bringing exotic fruit, Pain Poilâne (Artisan French bread), artichauts à la barigoule (Artichokes, lemon juice, olive oil, carrots, celery, shallots, garlic, chicken stock, white wine, bay leaves, salt, and pepper.), filet mignon, foie gras, organic garden salad, and crème brûlée for dessert.

Ernest is pleasantly surprised by the portions, despite feeling obligated to visit an Asian seafood buffet to stuff himself in advance.]

Claudia: [Smiling with great enthusiasm] "Thank you, Ernest. This was wonderful. Best food I've ever tasted."

Madison: "I second that, Ernest! Thank you so much for inviting me."

[Claudia smiles at Madison. Madison reciprocates. They both look to Ernest for a response.]

Ernest: "My pleasure, ladies. I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves, and the cuisine. They were well recommended by a colleague of mine, and they definitely did not disappoint. Shame that they're closing their doors after tonight."

[Claudia and Madison nod in agreement.

The manager received word from a server that Ernest's party had finished their dessert, and arrives promptly with the check.

Ernest is relieved that the full price was only $150 per person. He doesn't reveal any shock to Claudia or Madison while he views the bill and retrieves his credit card, allowing them to relax fully.

The manager retrieves the leather bill case and returns a couple minutes later with the customer and restaurant copies of the receipts. Ernest retrieves his card and signs the restaurant copy.]

Ernest: "Are you ladies ready to go?"

[Both nod, and the party walks out of the restaurant toward the valet booth.]

Valet: [Looking at Claudia] "I'm sorry, Miss, but we only offer one free parking voucher per table."

Claudia: "Really?! Okay, so how much is it going to cost?"

Valet: "It's parking by the hour plus an impounding fee if the driver is unable to produce a receipt."

Claudia: "But I could have chosen to sit at a table by myself and paid separately."

Valet: "That's true, but you didn't."

Claudia: "You can clearly see from my friend's receipt that it was a party of 3, each being served 7 course meals, can't you?"

Valet: "Well, yes, but..."

Claudia: "And we were the last 3 people to leave the restaurant!"

Valet: "No reason to raise your voice, Miss."

Claudia: "No reason to raise my voice?! You're planning to impound my car, in the name of senseless bureaucracy?!"

Valet: "Everyone has a purpose in this world, Miss, and I'm afraid that I'm now going to have to contact the police. You're being unruly: failing to cooperate."

[Claudia runs her hands down her face in disgust. Ernest, having taken account of his day, nods and shrugs due to an absence of surprise. Madison, not yet being close friends with Claudia, delivers a sympathetic expression, but neglects to hug her. Besides, Claudia is a cop. Does she like hugs? Madison doesn't know, and is therefore erring on the side of caution.

A few minutes later, Officer Donaldson appears to be responding, but outside of his jurisdiction.]

Claudia: "Officer Donaldson?!"

Ernest: [Smiling] "Hey?! Long time, no see, Officer!"

Officer Donaldson: [Befuddled] "I'm sorry... Have I met the two of you before?"

Claudia: "We work the same district. What are you doing in the big city, responding?"

[Donaldson opens his mouth widely, throws his head back, and begins laughing in arriving at understanding.]

O.D.: "You must mean my twin brother."

Claudia: "You both became cops? Were you separated at birth?"

O.D.: "No."

Valet: "Could we please deal with the crime being committed here?"

O.D.: "What crime?"

Valet: "This woman without a receipt from the restaurant is upset about her car being impounded."

O.D.: "I'd be upset, too. That's not a crime. What's the matter with you? Do you want to go to jail for wasting my time?"

Valet: "That's not illegal!"

O.D.: [Repulsed] "You better believe it is! Me responding to blatant stupidity means fewer available officers for real emergencies. You're like one of those idiots who calls 9-1-1 when he gets shorted on chicken nuggets, but you're even worse than that because you've not been deprived of anything. You draw a salary by just standing there, waiting for people to finish eating."

[The valet is left stiffened by the truth bomb. Donaldson turns his attention back to Claudia.]

O.D.: "Why did you suspect that my brother and I were separated at birth?"

Claudia: "Identical twins who grow up together don't usually choose similar career paths. One usually tries to outshine the other."

O.D.: "Oh, well, we'd read about that when we were in high school, but we'd always played cop and robber as kids."

Claudia: "And?"

O.D.: "Heathcliff, aka Cliff, saw the bank robbery conviction rates and decided that being a cop seemed more financially secure."

Claudia: "He's an odd duck. That's for sure. I'm Claudia, by the way."

O.D.: Nice to meet you. I'm Gary."

Ernest: "Short for Garfield?"

O.D.: "Are you making fun of my parents' adoration for 2 beloved comic strip cats? Secondly, who are you?"

Ernest: "I'm Ernest Kittenish. Clearly, I was not making light of your name. Wuthering Heights crossed my mind as a source, but I took a stab at the funnies upon hearing 'Gary'."

O.D.: "Right, so let's get down to business. Why, Mr. Valet, are you denying Claudia her car? Also, let's see some ID."

[The valet reaches into his jacket pocket for his wallet. Donaldson grabs the ID and scans it.]

O.D.: "Your record's clean, so I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. How much do you charge for parking by the hour if someone doesn't produce a receipt from the restaurant?"

Valet: "$200 per hour."

O.D.: "You can't charge that much! Parking garages' rates are regulated by The City. $30 per hour is the max. If a customer exceeds 1 hour by a matter of seconds, you're allowed to charge $60 for 2 hours, but that's all the more corruption The City allows... for parking, at least."

Valet: "What are you gonna do?"

O.D.: "What do you mean?"

Valet: "To me."

O.D.: "Nothing."

[The valet breathes a sigh of relief and wipes sweat from his brow.]

O.D.: "Once I ensure that everyone gets to their cars, however, I'm going to contact an auditor to investigate your books. Whoever is responsible for the gouging, along with any accomplices, which may, and most likely do, include you, could each face 10s of dollars in fines for each misdemeanor."

Ernest: "Is that cost effective with the ratio of investigation resources to restitution?"

O.D.: "You're wondering if a bureaucracy is concerned with cost effectiveness? Criminals justify the existence of all 3 branches of government. Those who seek to be self-reliant don't, which is why they pick up the remainder of the tab."

Ernest: "Why did you become a cop with an attitude like that?"

O.D.: "I didn't start with this attitude."

Ernest: "Why don't you quit?"

O.D.: "Because I get full retirement benefits after 20 years."

Valet: "Excuse me, Officer? Do you still need me here? It's getting close to my bedtime, and I'd be happy to hand the keys to the patrons and notify them of their parking space numbers."

O.D.: "Fine. Grab the keys, give them to these fine people, and get out of here. Don't leave town, though, without contacting the police department."

Valet: "Isn't it just going to be a bill in the mail, sent to collections if I fail to pay?"

O.D.: "Are you telling me how to do my job?!"

Valet: "No. I'm telling you that I don't have to call your people."

O.D.: "Okay. Fine with me. I don't care. Give 'em the keys and get lost."

Valet: "Nice meeting you."

O.D.: "No, it wasn't."

Valet: "That's awfully rude!"

O.D.: "But you were lying to me. No one in his right mind would have remembered this initial acquaintanceship as nice."

Valet: "That's true."

Madison: "I feel bad for that guy."

O.D.: "Why?"

Madison: "That's such an ugly, lime green jacket that he has to wear."

[Everyone nods in agreement.]

Ernest: "Ya know, ladies? I was thinking... We should probably just drive the cars out to the street while the meters are out of service, and I'll get separate hotel rooms for each of you. We could meet for breakfast tomorrow morning and go our separate ways. 1 bottle of champagne wouldn't have been enough to impair us, but why take chances?"

[Claudia smiles at Ernest's gentlemanly offer, blushing in the process.
Madison, however, is thrilled about the luxurious accomodations at the hotel of Ernest's choosing during the buffet dinner.]

O.D.: "You realize I'm still here, don't you, Kittenish? I have a breathalyzer in my squad car, and I'd be more than happy to find out if you're drunk."

Ernest: "Why's that? Pursuit of justice or elimination of competition?"

O.D.: "A gentleman never pisses and tells."

Claudia: "Don't you mean, 'Kisses and tells'?"

O.D.: "No. This is, for the moment, between myself and Mr. Kittenish. Whatever might happen between myself and you, and / or this other lovely young lady, would be... uh... kissing and telling."

Madison: "Ewwwwww! I've never liked cops!"

O.D.: "Why not?"

Madison: "They're so worried about laws, and rules, and guidelines, so... [Makes wretching sound]."

O.D.: "Okay, so strike 1. How 'bout you, Claudia?"

Claudia: "I only just met you and don't know a thing about you! Do you take me for a whore?! I'm also a peace officer, you freak!"

O.D.: "What if I were to administer the breathalyzer test on the 3 of you, and discover that 2 or 3 of you were unable to safely operate a motor vehicle? Do you know how much a parking garage can charge if a car is left overnight?"

Claudia: "No more than $150 in this State, from what I read. I'd sooner pay that fee and walk out of here to sleep off the champagne, rather than sleep with you."

O.D.: "DAMN!"

Claudia: "Heck! We could even release the parking brakes, put the gear shifts in neutral, and separately push each car out to the street, so long as none of us were .08."

O.D.: "Double damn!"

Ernest: "I believe that that's you're cue, Donaldson. I'm an attorney, by the way, and this garage, in having a sister relationship with an upscale French restaurant, is surely equipped with audio / video surveillance. I suggest you get the hell out of here before you lose your job and all of the money you've ever saved."

O.D.: "Triple damn, which means strike 3, but you've not seen the last of me, Kittenish!"

Ernest: "Is that so?"

O.D.: "You're still looking. Told ya!"

[Donaldson leaves the scene. Ernest rolls his eyes at the immaturity.]

Claudia: "He's as big a nincompoop as his brother, and a horn dog to boot! I gotta meet the chief of police in this city... [Gazes pensively, up and to her left] Or maybe I shouldn't."

[Ernest and Madison begin to walk toward Madison's car, and Claudia to her own.]

Claudia: "Ernest? I'm not exactly tipsy, but... late as it is, I think the hotel would be a good idea. Is it far from here?"

Ernest: "Yeah, my pleasure. It's in the downtown, just a few blocks from where we are now, on the corner of 1st and Madison."

Madison: [Gleeful and falsely proud] "Ooh! I love that address!"

Claudia: "What are we going to wear, though, Ernest? All the clothing stores are closed, and I don't have another outfit with me."

Ernest: "That's no problem. The hotel provides robes, and also sells them in addition to collared terry cloth pajama shirts, pants, and slippers with excellent traction in the soles."

Claudia: "Sounds luxurious for lounging, but are you saying that we're going to be eating breakfast at the hotel's restaurant in our P.J.s?"

Madison: "Not me! I'll take the free P.J.s, robe, and slippers, but I'm wearing my LBD to breakfast."

Ernest: [Sighing] "It's probably a better option than your street clothes from earlier today. But, yeah... I'll be more than happy to set you up with some loungewear."

Claudia: [Squinting her left eye in concert with an inquisitive but non-threatening snarl] "What's an LBD?"

[A harp is heard playing a series of soothing arpeggios. Ernest begins shimmering. He regains composure after transitioning to a fantasy at the hotel restaurant's cook-to-order breakfast and buffet.

A fellow hotel guest and diner approaches the trio's table.]

Guest: "Hello, sir. I was informed of you last night, and was wondering about your rates."

Ernest: "$500 per hour, but, if I don't get you off, you don't pay a penny."

Guest: "Uh... no. Sorry. That's not what I meant. I figured you'd be the one to discuss the price per hour, but I was interested in HER services [Nods toward Madison], not yours."

Madison: "Oh, awesome! I charge $50 per month minimum, but the price goes up if you wanna talk."

Guest: "WOW! WHAT AN AMAZING DEAL!"

[All the restaurant patrons' suspicions are confirmed as they stare at Ernest and Claudia in their robes, and Madison in her slutty dress that most street walkers would be afraid to wear.

A police siren is heard from a block or so away, and is deactivated right outside the hotel restaurant.

Ernest, with his arms crossed on the dining table, cradling his head, shimmers back to the parking garage with his face buried in his hands.]

Claudia: "Well... Ernest?! What happened to you in the last minute or so?! And what's an LBD?!

Ernest: [Painfully sighing and groaning] "Little black dress."

Claudia: [Filling cheeks with air and exhaling hurriedly] "Oh."

[Madison smiles at Claudia, in reaction to her apparent prudishness. Claudia responds with a smirk.]

[Ernest, Madison, and Claudia meet in the hotel lobby, at which point Ernest books separate rooms for each of the ladies. He's gentlemanly enough to apply his own credit card to their rooms for any incidentals or damages. Madison expected that, but Claudia is impressed to the point of having blushed.

Their rooms are all on the same floor, but not adjacent. After everyone gets settled in, Ernest hears a knock on his door.]

Ernest: "Oh... Hi, Claudia. Did you need anything?"

Claudia: "I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a drink down at the bar before we turn in for the night? We celebrated your innocence, but I never properly thanked you for my first contract as a private investigator."

Ernest: "Sure! That sounds nice. One moment while I get my shoes."

[As Ernest retrieves his shoes, Claudia sees Madison returning to her room with a man that Ernest did not see. It's a good thing, too, because it's the same man from Ernest's breakfast fantasy, and that would have surely killed the evening's mood.

Ernest returns to the doorway, not having closed the door behind him prior to shoe retrieval.]

Claudia: "Ready?"

Ernest: "Yeah, let's go."

[Claudia smiles, anxious to experience some alone time with Ernest for the sake of determining compatibility.
Claudia and Ernest step into the elevator, at which point Claudia feels that some small talk is warranted.]

Claudia: "How did you get into criminal law, Ernest?"

Ernest: "Uh, well... It was a variety of factors. Corporate law and civil litigation have their advantages, but I liked the idea of helping people in ways that impacted their freedom, or even the ability to remain among the living. What about you, and police work?"

Claudia: "Like many young children, I dreamt of being the heroine who stopped the bad seeds from blossoming."

Ernest: "Is that how girls think of cops and robbers?"

[Claudia begins laughing, playfully.]

Claudia: [Smiling flirtatiously] "Shut up, Ernest! You know what I mean."

Ernest: [Laughing] "Yeah, I do. So... what's your poison? Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist?"

Claudia: "What is this... 'Groundhog Day'?! Hell no! I drink Scotch and water, neat."

Ernest: "Hey?! That's my drink, too. Peaty, citrusy, or black & white?"

Claudia: "Depends what I'm in the mood for."

Ernest: "Me, too."

[Claudia smiles cautiously, hoping that her elements in common with Ernest extend beyond justice and potent potables.]

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