"As Good As It Gets" Scene Extension

This was 2023 or prior, from my 3rd party blog. I thought of it today due to the Julie Benz and OCD references.

I could probably do decent voice impressions of both Nicholson and the therapist, but I don't want to. If someone was actually permitted to request it, maybe...

Therapist: "I also grew my beard back, but you're not interested in changes in ME."

Melvin: "And how, pray tell, might that observation contribute to the pursuit of fruitful discourse, doc?"

Therapist: "We..."

[Melvin interrupts.]

Melvin: "Allow me to take a stab at it... if you don't mind [Turns head slightly left, looks at therapist from the corner of his right eye, smirks, and raises both arms in silent query]... as this is MY time and My dime, right doc? Didn't your training deal in recognizing when a question is rhetorical?"

[Melvin holds up his right hand for balking's sake as the therapist opens his mouth.]

Melvin: "Perhaps we'd delve into hair color and how that signifies basic genealogy... Or choices in aftershave, many of which contain chemicals harmful to both the human body and the environment. Tangents might lead either to skin rashes, allergic reactions, cancer, poisoning of the water supply, or perhaps why mankind continues to breed at all. Is that what you had in mind, doc?"

Therapist: "No."

Melvin: [Fierce] "Then what?! Am I paying you for the opportunity to validate your weenie little pathetic excuse for a goatee. I have writing to do!"

Therapist: "I think you'd better leave."

Melvin: "I ain't payin' ya for these last couple minutes, doc."

Therapist: "We were scheduled for a half hour, Mr. Udall, so the fee is non-negotiable."

Melvin: "I'll need a refund for the 3O seconds we spent on your commentary about my unwillingness to compliment your facial hair, at least. No one could have seen that coming. Maybe one of YOUR kind... No offense."

Therapist: "That was meant to inspire less self-absorption and to notice that in which others show interest as a mere sample means of initiating small talk, ideally leading toward more meaningful discourse. Also, you made it quite clear that it was YOUR time when you addressed the viability of the conversation starter."

Melvin: [Lowers head, raises right hand, rubs it against forehead, drops the hand, raises head, grimaces] "Touché. Same time next week, doc?"

Therapist: "I'm afraid not."

Melvin: [Panicked] "WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! You know how important my routines are!"

Therapist: "Please calm down, Mr. Udall. I'm on vacation next week and a colleague will be taking my appointments. You've dealt with her previously."

Melvin: "Oh. Same time with you in 2 weeks, then?"

Therapist: "No."

Melvin: [More panicked] "ARE YOU TRYIN' TO KILL ME, DOC?!"

Therapist: "It's a two week vacation."

Melvin: "Same time in 3 weeks, then, doc?"

Therapist: "Tentatively, yes."

Melvin: [Panicked] "Whadda you mean, TENTATIVELY?!"

Therapist: "The flight might be delayed, or canceled. Any number of things."

Melvin: [A calm washing over him] "I got that covered, doc. I'll flick a few light switches for you, or rather think about your safe flight home while flicking the switches at my regular intervals with as many flicks as always."

Therapist: "I wish you wouldn't do that."

Melvin: "Don't push it, doc. Planes have crashed before when I got distracted and lost count. You know about Jung and his synchronicity, right? That's science!"

[The therapist sighs painfully and points Melvin toward the door.]