Virtual Failures

Technology is capable of doing many things. It is incapable of doing even more things. This sketch features just five of the things it can’t do.

1. Damn Panic Rehearsal – an imagining of how idiotic a symphony orchestra rehearsal would look like during the faux vid pandemic of 2020.

First violin: “This is the first violin. I’ll need to drop off early. In a half hour, I have a tag up with the Menagerie Phil. They’re playing selections from Camille Saint Saëns’s meat-eating musical “Carnivore of the Animals.” I’m in the first number; I’m on their Tiger Team.”
Maestro: “Lion…”
First Violin: “No, honestly, I’m telling the truth! (whispers) just don’t tell Alexi and Verdi…”

A tiger team (aka, a cross-functional team) is brought together to solve or investigate a particular problem or issue. The most famous tiger team was the one assembled in 1970 to investigate the explosion onboard the Apollo 13 service module.

There isn’t a tiger movement in Camille Saint-Saëns “Carnival of the Animals.” There is a lion movement, though.

For more on the first violin (Mily Balakirev), see the “Love Me Two Timer” sketch.

Maestro: “…The faux vid virus has impacted us all. What with the draconian lockdowns that shuttered schools and wiped out small businesses, the six foot physical distancing practices that drove us into our homes, the marauding bands of “revolving door on the jail house” black arsonists and murderous illegal aliens roaming the streets that KEEP us in our homes, and the hyper-paranoid Silicon Valley oligarchs that ban us if we complained about any of it, it truly is a marvel that the dirty Jews responsible for unleashing all this chaos don’t have the bandwidth to kick in our god damn doors and finish us off right now. But not to worry; I am told that their vaccine should be ready sometime next week.”

Maestro Maestoso’s rant here was inspired by a 09 September 2025 Myron Gaines livestream. Mr. Gaines astutely pointed out that every person responsible for the COVID pandemic response was Jewish, specifically:

Rochelle Walensky, Director of the CDC (closing schools and businesses, instituting social distancing practices)

Owners of the biggest social media platforms at the time (who banned you if you questioned the response), namely:

Susan Wojcicki, CEO of YouTube,
Sergey Brin, CEO of Alphabet (Google),
Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Meta (Facebook),
Adam Mosseri, Head of Instagram,

The developer of the “vaccine,” Albert Bourla, Chairman and CEO of Pfizer,

Larry Fink, CEO of Blackrock, who made a f*ckton of money off of the COVID crisis by purchasing distressed securities from the federal government as a result of the crisis, and the print media who controlled the narrative, for example, Thomson Reuters, which is owned by the Rothschild family.

Even when you were allowed to leave your home, you still had to face the likes of dangerous criminals roaming the streets. The illegal ones were trafficked into the country courtesy religious organizations such as the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society (HIAS).

And finally, the releasing and re-releasing of dangerous criminals (the illegal ones as well as the home grown loonies affiliated with organizations such as Black Lives Matter), was brought to you by the George Soros-backed District Attorneys and the US Attorney General Merrick Garland, both Jews (although to be fair Mr. Garland did make up for the prison population shortfall by jailing school moms for allegedly being domestic terrorists).

Maestro: “Second, I realize that some of you have been grumbling and struggling with this new way of doing things, but let me just say, in technology’s defense, that online video conferencing is a game changing invention. With its myriad of functions and features, it provides a perfect fit between man and machine. It is, in short, tailor made for you, so long as upon leaving the tailor’s shop you limp in a stooped posture with your chin holding down your lapel, your left hand tugging your vest, and your right hand grabbing your crotch.”

Based on the classic tailor joke which was told on the “Smartphone Smackdown” sketch.

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit. As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom. “Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that. Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.” While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of the jacket curled up instead of lying flat.

“Oh that?” said the tailor. “That’s nothing. Just turn your head a little and hold it down with your chin.”

The customer complied, and as he did, he noticed that the inseam of the pants was a little short and he felt that the rise was a bit too tight.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said the tailor. “Just pull the inseam down with your right hand, and everything will be perfect” The customer agreed and purchased the suit.
The next day he wore his new suit with all the accompanying hand and chin “alterations.”

As he limped through the park with his chin holding down his lapel, one hand tugging at the vest, the other hand grasping his crotch, two old men stopped playing checkers to watch him stagger by.

“M’Isten, oh, my God!” said the first man. “Look at that poor crippled man!”

The second man reflected for a moment, then murmured, “Igen, yes, the crippling is too bad, but you know I wonder... where did he get such a nice suit?”

Maestro: “Just FYI, I’m getting a low bandwidth signal from you. Your line broke up on me.”
Principal cellist: “Dog gone it! I can’t believe the line broke my cello again!”

Spoof of “I can’t believe the airline broke my cello!” A common complaint among cellists, who, unfortunately have to check their instrument because it is too big to carry onboard.

2. Spring Training

“Darrylson (turns to Johnson): “Intellivision?! Well I’ll be! That was my grandma’s favorite video game system when she knee high to a grasshopper…”

Intellivision is the name of a popular video game system…in 1983…

The stolen base scene is poking fun at the Automated-Ball-Strike System (ABS), which Major League Baseball will implement in 2026. It’s supposed to supplement the human umpires, but let’s face it, it’s really going to supplant them.

3. Whisky Tasting

Inspired from a local Irish festival back in 2021. Due to the faux vid pandemic, the 2021 festival was made an all virtual affair. One of the events at the festival was a whisky tasting. Now obviously you had to call the pub, buy tickets and go to the pub in person to try the whiskies, but it did get us here at CoBaD thinking. A troupe member emailed his family and pondered how it was possible to have a virtual whisky tasting event. His brother flippantly responded that the blender would have to hold the glass up to the camera and the taster would have to lick the screen. So this skit was born.

Godfrey Dammit: “As I said, our first sample this evening is a whisky from the Northern Plains of the United States. It’s called Glen Dive. Established in 1885, it’s an Eastern Montana whisky aged for 90 days by the descendants of a disgruntled cattle driver. It comes with a distinctively dark sense of humor with just a touch of sarcasm. Take a sniff.”

A reference to William Fly (1830-1887). The 13 May 1885 Bozeman (Montana) Weekly Chronicle said that William Fly’s 1,000 head of cattle that he drove all the way from St. Louis, Missouri were stopped at Glendive, Montana for a 90 day quarantine. However the 16 May 1885 edition of the Livingston (Montana) Enterprise claimed that William Fly and his cattle were stopped at Mandan, North Dakota and never actually entered Montana. This sketch assumes the former story is the true story, that is, the cattle were stopped at Glendive. Since many Scotch whiskies have the word “Glen” in the title (See “Speakeasy to Remember But Difficult to Guess” for examples), William Fly figured being quarantined for 90 days in a town that sounds like the name of a Scotch whisky was a blessing in disguise. So he took advantage of his down time and make some whisky.

For more on William Fly’s stop at Mandan, see the “Don’t Know Spit When I Hear It” sketch.

Mr. Dilettante: “Ugh. Characteristic antiseptic notes, which develops into flavors of sweaty fingerprints. It’s almost like computer screen cleaner. How much Alcohol by Volume is in this stuff?”

Screen cleaners contain 70 percent alcohol by volume. A bottle of whisky, by comparison, has about 43 percent alcohol by volume. You’re welcome. Glad to be of help.

4. Historical Figure Counseling

One of our troupe member’s former employers posted an article about how the company was proudly supporting their employees cope with life stressors. It featured a picture of a back of a woman’s head (presumably the counselor). She was looking at a screen. On the screen is a picture of another woman (the patient) who was wiping her eyes with a tissue. Ridiculous. We think there is more to therapy that talking. There is a non-verbal element as well: looking someone in the eyes, holding a hand, patting a back, and giving a reassuring hug. I don’t think the patient in the picture needed or deserved another socially isolating online session. You can’t fix a mentally ill patient (or therapist) by simply throwing technology at it. You can’t even slap a dissociative therapist upside the head, so really, what use is online therapy?
Claudius: “My grandmother, Livia, you know, the Tattooed Lady, never gave a fig about me. She gave a fig about my grandfather, Augustus, but to me, she never gave a fig.”

One of our favorite lines from the 1976 BBC production of “I, Claudius” was delivered by Livia. She said to Claudius, “By the way, don’t touch the figs.” She was referring to the instance when her husband, Augustus, suspected that Livia was trying to poison her (like she had poisoned so many others) so that her biological son, Tiberius, could ascend to the throne. So Augustus insisted on only eating from foods grown in his garden. While Augustus wasn’t looking, Livia dipped figs in poison while they were still on the tree. An unsuspecting Augustus picked the figs and ate them. Augustus died, and Tiberius became emperor.

For more on Livia the Tattooed Lady, see “Rights of Speech.”

Claudius: “Well, kind of. I mean, I can rule Britannia, but I can’t rule Britannicus. All I can say is thank Jove I have the love of a good and faithful wife like Messalina.”

Britannicus was Claudius’ son with Messalina. And Claudius clearly never should have thanked Jove, because Messalina was neither good nor faithful.

5. Pizza Party

Inspired by a troupe member who had to sit through many inefficient and badly run Business Performance Review meetings. BPRs were bloated affairs, scheduled for two hours but always running long, sometimes going as long as four hours. The troupe member had to present slides on behalf of a department. The presentation was usually the shortest of all the departments (usually 4-5 slides), but the Program Manager always had him present last. Ugh.

Caption: This failure to communicate has been brought to you by Second Hand Luke’s Pizza.

Reference to the prison warden's famous line from the movie “Cool Hand Luke” (1967): “What we've got here is failure to communicate.”

Dick: “Oh, heavenly President, as there are no contracting officers in this meeting, kindly deliver us from the temptation of making legally binding decisions. As we conduct our business in open spaces, gracious chairman, give us the strength to refrain from discussing any classified information. And finally, most merciful CEO, we but ask our suppliers who are with us today to withhold partaking in the fruit of your most bountiful expense account (so to speak) without first having a nondisclosure agreement in place promising that they won’t tell their bosses about their free lunch we are bribing them with. All of this we but ask in your but holy names (belches). In the name of the President, the Chairman and the CEO, amen.”

A spoof of a statement that is usually read before an engineering working group meeting. This statement is usually read when a defense contractor, its subcontractor and/or its customer is present.

“No contracting officers:” Customers will sometimes make suggestions and engineers may instinctively say okay. However, if a subsequent review of the contract determines that such a suggestion was not in the contract, the engineer is stuck in a quandary; either gold plate the product or break a promise to the customer.

“Don’t discuss classified material in unclassified spaces:” Obvious here, as people who are not “cleared” could hear secret information.

“Suppliers must have a non-disclosure agreement:” If suppliers do not have an NDA, they could potentially tell others about what they are doing with their contractor, exposing proprietary data.

For more on Dick Suckers, see the “A League Overblown” sketch.

Program Manager: “Now what about you, Luke, what would you like?”
Luke (points off camera): “I’ll have a couple of slices of Brigatroon Supreme…”

For more on the origins of Brigatroon, see the “Breakup on Re-Entry” sketch…if you dare…

Triangle (Christopher Columbus): “A boy must have stepped on the wire again.”

When a troupe member of ours was a kid, his father would say that to him when the power went out in the house. Fun times…

The Claudius picture was courtesy Marie-Lan Nguyen. The opening music (“Cartoon Vintage Logo” by RimskyMusic) and closing music (“Fun Logo” by Haim Mazar) are courtesy premiumbeat.com. Sound effects are courtesy pixabay.com and freepik.com.

References:
Gaines, M. (2025). Israel Bombs Qatar, Ben Shapiro Denies Gazan Genocide, Tucker Questions 9/11!https://rumble.com/v6yosmm-hasanabi-vs-nick-ben-shapiro-denies-genocide-tucker-questions-911.html?e9s=src_v1_sa,src_v1_sa_m,src_v1_ucp_a

Lindquist. S. (04 June 2024). The NGOs Facilitating Mass Immigration Under The Banner OfReligion. The Daily Wire. https://www.dailywire.com/news/meet-the-ngos-enabling-mass-immigration-under-the-banner-of-religion

Lucidchart.com. Understanding the tiger team approach. https://www.lucidchart.com/blog/what-is-a-tiger-team

Upjoke.com. Tailor Jokes. https://upjoke.com/tailor-jokes

Wikipedia. Messalina. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Messalina

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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, thinking technology can solve everything.