When You're 96 -- The Counting Old Lady #funnyoldpeople #centenarian

I went down the hall to purchase a soda and this lady was sitting in the side room yelling, "59! 60! 61! 62! 63!..." and on and on and on---I looked at the nurses and they tried not to smile. I looked at the lady and she had fire in her eyes, by golly, she was a countess!

The soda machine took my dollar, gave me a quarter back, but no drink. I was thirsty--life is so hard--so I returned to Mom's room, grabbed my phone and returned while recording--you can hear her, the counting chick, she's counted up to well over 100 by now. For some reason, my video recorder turned off after 25 seconds, but I have all the evidence I need for her to audition for the newer, leaner, Sesame Street.

Anyway, I tried to mess her up because I believe she was in the 190's by the time I returned, and I thought about asking her age then realized I might as well tell her she's fat so instead I said, "I put in ONE HUNDRED cents and the machine gave me TWENTY FIVE cents back but no drink, and I lost SEVENTY FIVE cents, SEVENTY FIVE!I could try again but then I might lose ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY, or even TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!"

By then she paused, maybe I'd thrown a wrench into her rusty wheels, but my camera stopped as well. Crisis averted--some of the nurses had removed their shoes to keep up with the counting and I was afraid what they'd be taking off after 200--maybe they'd count on each other. If only I'd just walked by an yelled, "Bottles of beer on the wall!" we could've all been caught in an endless sing-along ode to people with a lot of beer, and a lot of wall space.

I'll probably leave a note at the front desk--their machines have always had problems, withholding candy, eating money, or simply not putting out (queue ex-wife joke).

But while I told the staff and made it clear I didn't care about the seventy five, I repeat, SEVENTY FIVE cents--it's the only machine in that huge building, a lot of people work 16 hour shifts, and they might need a little energy--where was I? Yeah, while I mentioned it to the staff I pressed a button on the machine, and this was an hour later--and a drink came out!

Their candy machine is the same, withholding candy, boy, I think they just put those in the nursing home to get back at all the old people who made their kids eat vegetables but deprived them of sweets!

Mom hates the vegetables and healthy food they serve at the nursing home. Two years ago she asked what we were eating at her 94th birthday party and I told her we'd saved all the green beans, carrots, lima beans and broccoli she'd wasted and we were going to make her eat them at her party.

She didn't find that funny--yeah, yeah, that face, that's the face she made, like she was about to make me an offer I couldn't refuse and then when I said yes, she'd say, "What?" and I'd say, "I accept the offer," "What offer" "The offer you just offered me!" "I can't see the TV" "What about the offer? What is it?" "Why are you yelling?"....ugh...she really knows how to get in my head.