Butthead In The Matrix Pt4 (In Description)

Again, another long one (Links to previous installments directly below). I kept date stamps in place for convenience. I'm not sure if this site allows keyword searching in the description section, beyond what's visible, so if you're a slow reader like I am, you may prefer to save the full text as a Notepad file and use THAT search function (Ctrl-F in Windows) to locate your leave-off point.

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Pt3: https://rumble.com/v714dcy-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt3-in-description.html / 2: v70frp2-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt2-in-description.html / 1: v704hgi-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt1-in-description.html
***********

Smith: "Well... I'm glad everyone made their way back before the lockdown. Dr. Moore... Mr. Beavis... Agent [Frank] Davidson, and Agent Williams... How are you?"

[All parties agree to a satisfactory condition, except Beavis.]

Beavis: "Et moi?"

Smith: "Oh, yes... Sorry. How are you, Mr. De Leon?"

Beavis: "J’ai été meilleure... J’ai été pire."

[Translation: "I've been better... I've been worse."]

Smith: "Does anyone here speak French?"

Williams: "Agent Selby does, sir. I'll see if I can get him on the phone."

Moore: "Agent Smith?"

Smith: "Yes, Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "I'll have to perform an MRI, at minimum, to adequately diagnose Mr. Beavis, or... Mr. De Leon... but do you have a drill in case I need to make bore holes to alleviate pressure?"

[Smith shakes his head. Dr. Moore presents a restrained "Yikes!" expression.]

Beavis: "Qu’est-cette vision de la beauté dit de moi?"

Williams: "Did you get any of that, Selby?"

Selby: "He's wondering why Dr. Moore wants to make holes in his head."

Moore: "What is 'Veezion de la botay'?"

Selby: [Sighs] "Vision of loveliness."

Moore: [Blushes] "Oh, my."

Beavis: "Oui, mon sherrie. Laisse-moi t’emmener, vous gâter avec de tendres baisers, et te prends comme mon épouse ce soir, sous l’éclat d’une lune sanguine."

[Selby almost collapses from a fit of laughter.]

Smith: "What's so funny, Agent Selby? Kindly translate, please?"

Selby: [Still laughing] "Uh... Dr. Moore? He wants to take you away, spoil you with tender kisses, and make you his bride under the radiance of a blood moon."

Moore: "Good grief, Agent Smith! Did the hypnotist give him the personality of Ponce De Leon or Pepé Le Pew?"

Beavis: "Pepé Le Pew?! Je connais cette référence! Le mariage est annulé! Parlez-en à vos sœurs, le cas échéant, et tantes et cousines fertilesque je lui ai dit 'Bonjour!'"

[Translation: "I'm familiar with that reference! The wedding is off. Tell your sisters, if any, and fertile aunts and cousins, that I said 'Hello'."]

[Selby hypo-ventilates and falls on the floor.]
********
6/21

[30 minutes later...]

Smith: "Welcome back, Agent Kinney and Mr. Butthead. I was informed that the lockdown was a false alarm, and that Agent Selby had to be taken to the ER for a breathing treatment."

BH: "Who's Selby?"

Smith: "The agent that you and your cohort nearly killed with needless confinement and oxygen-depleting fits of laughter."

BH: "Why can't you put more vents in this place, dude?"

Smith: "The security doors automatically open after an hour, which, generally speaking, is plenty of time to search the cameras for threats and manually clear sectors. Those who belong here know to stay calm and conserve oxygen."

BH: "Am I in trouble for pulling that lever in the freezer?"

Smith: "Every agent, on the first day of training, becomes spellbound by that lever, and yanks it out of curiosity without asking a supervisor."

BH: [Relieved] "Really?"

Smith: [Grimacing] "NO!"

BH: "So, what now?"

Smith: "You've had a long day, Mr. Butthead, considering the manslaughter and gross negligence. I'll have a driver take you home so you can get some rest. Tomorrow, as promised, if you're not awake and ready by 8AM, a couple of goons will politely and discretely kidnap you."

BH: "Uh... Huh, huh.. huh. How 'bout Beavis?"

Smith: "Dr. Moore is currently examining him. He believes he's Ponce De Leon, again, but is speaking only fluent French. He'll have to stay through the night, at least, due to health and security concerns."

BH: "I can't watch TV by myself, dude. Can you search those glossy eggs to see if there's somebody else like Beavis in town?"

Smith: "Of course. I can even provide you with contact information."

BH: [Hopeful] "Really?"

Smith: "NO!"

BH: "Can Kinney or Bradford watch TV with me?"

Smith: "May they."

BH: "May they?! May they?! I need someone to watch TV with me! Huh, huh... huh. Over!"

Smith: "You're a strange one, Mr. Butthead, but you do amuse me. Kinney and Bradford have lives outside the agency. I don't, so I'll violate protocol by watching TV with you tonight."

BH: "Okay, but you gotta laugh when I laugh, and screech when I'm forced to smack you."

Smith: "Challenge accepted, Mr. Butthead. You managed to shoot me, but smacking requires a proximity that I can mitigate."

BH: "A what that you can what?!"

[Smith gives Butthead an ominous stare and grin.]

**************

[Dr. Moore returns to the bed of Beavis to check his motor functions following the inconclusive MRI.]

Moore: "Mr. De Leon?"

Beavis: [Confused] "What?!"

Moore: [Surprised] "What is your name?"

Beavis: "Beavis."

[Dr. Moore's eyes widen, but she stops her jaw from dropping.]

Moore: "What is your most recent memory?"

Beavis: "Feelin' stuck. Now I'm feelin' somethin' else [Eyebrows dance: neither flattering nor mysterious]."

Moore: "Right. Let's set that aside... forever, please? We had to do an MRI because you were... out of sorts."

Beavis: "What?!"

Moore: "You weren't yourself. The hypnotist implanted a lengthy memory of a comprehensive education in France."

Beavis: "Who the hell would wanna do that?!"

Moore: "I could only get a scant few details from Agent Smith, but it was your friend's idea."

Beavis: "Butthead?! Why?!"

Moore: "He said, in fewer words, that he didn't care for your alter ego."

Beavis: "My WHAT?!"

Moore: "Does the name 'Cornholio' mean anything to you?"

Beavis: "No, but I'm gonna kick Butthead's butt! Why don't I remember France?"

Moore: "Let's try a word association that's more your speed. What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say, 'underpants'?"

[Beavis becomes visibly excited.]

Beavis: "Je pensais que j’étais débarrassé de toi! Tu m’as traité de mouffette, pourtant, me voici devant vous, dans une robe qui ne se ferme pas dans le dos, envie de sous-vêtements et les numéros de téléphone de vos frères et sœurs d’âge de reproduction."

[Translation: "I thought I was rid of you! You called me a skunk, yet here I lay before you, in a gown that doesn't close in the back, longing for underpants and the phone numbers of your female relatives of breeding age."]

[Dr. Moore calls Agent Smith.]

Moore: "Agent Smith? This is Dr. Moore. Something traumatic must have happened while Beavis was under hypnosis. Since I can't find anything neurologically wrong with him, I'd advise another hypnosis session. Strong emotion appears to be triggering a transition between personalities, which is also consistent with dissociative identity disorder. He was back to normal after the MRI, but the excitement of hearing the word, 'underpants' turned him back into Ponce."

Beavis: "M’a rendu moi-même?! Charlatan!"

[Translation: "Turned me back into myself?! Quack!"]

Moore: "S’il vous plaît?"

[Beavis smirks.]

Smith: "How about we save some time and resources, Dr. Moore? Throw him back in the MRI and stop saying 'underpants'. Why did you...? Oh. Never mind. [Rolls eyes] Clever. If I can get him to stop using weed, we might be able to stabilize him."

Moore: "As Beavis?"

Smith: "I'm torn. Ponce has a certain... savoir faire. Beavis does not. We could use an agent with ample French fluency and an understanding of English, despite the refusal to speak it. It's the genetics that concern me, however."

Moore: "But both personalities are over-sexed. What's the difference?"

Smith: "You don't see it, Dr. Moore? Even after your initial encounter with Beavis?"

Moore: [Chuckling] "Oh. I got it. Thanks."

Smith: "You're welcome. I'll be watching TV at Butthead's house tonight if you care to join us."

[Dr. Moore drops her phone and cracks it, giggling about the personality clash. Smith shakes his head about the abrupt end to the call.]

Smith: "Let's go, Mr. Butthead! Shall we pick up a couple of large pepperoni pizzas, a 2 liter bottle of soda, and some mozzarella sticks? I've got a coupon."

[Butthead laughs for various reasons.]
Jun 22, 2024 4:39:14 am
*********

[Agent Smith and Butthead arrive at the pizza take-out location.]

Smith: "Hi. The name's Smith. I placed an order for the special with 2 pepperoni pizzas, a 2 liter soda, and..."

Pizza clerk: "Yes, Mr. Smith. We have your order."

Smith: "But where are the mozzarella sticks?"

Clerk: "You didn't mention any mozzarella sticks, sir."

Smith: "That's because you cut me off before I could finish. Are the mozzarella sticks included or not?"

Clerk: "Those will be $6.99 extra, sir, plus tax."

Smith: "But the ad clearly indicated an inclusion of mozzarella sticks!"

Clerk: "At participating locations, sir."

Smith: "And you're clearly not a participating location."

Clerk: "No, sir. Franchise."

Smith: "How do you feel about this, Mr. Butthead? Shall we settle for a sub-par deal or pay full price for gourmet pizza somewhere else?"

BH: "It's your bill, dude, but we're gonna miss 'Real Roommates In Roseville' if we wait for a fancy pizza. Let's get it delivered."

Smith: "Good thinking... about the pizza, that is. As for worry of missing such a TV program, not so much."

BH: "Hey?! You got any idea how often those chicks are runnin' around with nothin' but panties, dude?"

Smith: [Rolls eyes] "Touché."

BH: "And sometimes... if you pause at the right time, or slow-play it from the DVR, the blurry stuff doesn't..."

Smith: [Interrupting] "I get the idea, Mr. Butthead. Thank you. It's all in your... eh hem... glossy egg."

BH: "Huh, huh. So if you watch with me, is that goin' in your glossy egg, too?"

Smith: "Yes, but with an asterisk."

BH: "Uh...Wha' does a turisk do?"

Smith: "Mr. Butthead.. please? An asterisk consists of 8, sometimes 6 small stick shapes that meet to form a circle of sorts."

BH: "Sounds painful, but, whatever, dude."

Smith: "Didn't you ever see asterisks in school?"

BH: "Uh... No, but maybe that's why the creepy old fat gym teacher got fired."

Smith: "Let me show you on your phone, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "No. Don't think so. Parental controls. It sucks, but I don't really wanna see an ass turisk."

Smith: "Never mind, Mr. Butthead."

[The clerk laughs in Smith's direction. Smith smiles, then shrugs, and expresses defeat by his facial expression.]

Smith: "Let's go, Mr. Butthead. [Looks to the clerk.] Sorry, young man. No sale."

Clerk: "But you pre-paid with a credit card, and we have a no refund policy on our specials."

Smith: "Fine. Give me the order."

BH: "How you gonna stick it to 'im, now, boss?"

Smith: "Never mind, Mr. Butthead. It's not HIS policy, but thanks for the upgrade. Will we be watching any educational programs this evening?"

BH: "There's an ancient grave robbery show that Beavis 'n' me watch sometimes."

Smith: "Grave robbery or archaeology?"

BH: "Oh, yeah... That's it."

Smith: "You're not wrong, however."

BH: "Really?"

Smith: "This time, yes."

[Smith smiles at Butthead and claps him on the shoulder with his left hand as they walk out to the car.]
Jun 24, 2024 7:32:08 pm
*********

[Smith arrives at the agency shortly after 7:30 on Wednesday morning, crossing paths with Dr. Moore.]

Moore: "Good morning, Agent Smith. How was TV night?"

Smith: "Oh, it was fascinating. To read and memorize the dossier of a perpetual 15 year old and to observe one in his... natural... habitat are distinctly different experiences."

Moore: "I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but..."

Smith: "Yes?"

Moore: "You really want to know?"

Smith: "Certainly."

Moore: "Okay. My sense of taste is more compelling than my appetite for abnormal psychology."

Smith: "But you're a doctor."

Moore: "I'm not a psychiatrist."

Smith: "True enough."

Moore: "So, what all did you watch?"

Smith: "Uh... Let's see. 'Real Roommates in Roseville,' and I nodded off shortly before the ugly pageant began."

Moore: "They have ugly pageants?"

Smith: "That's what Butthead called it."

Moore: "Did he smack you for falling asleep?"

Smith: "He may have, but it was no match for the pre-diabetic influences of a large pizza and a liter of soda."

Moore: "Oh, yeah. Wow! Your right cheek is flushed and a bit swollen."

Smith: "Beavis does always sit to Butthead's left, as did I."

Moore: "THAT'S in the dossier?"

Smith: "EVERYTHING is in the dossier."

Moore: "What were you doing at his house, though? We're not supposed to fraternize."

Smith: "He's 15 and he had a traumatic day, despite his repression giving him the ability to wear a poker face. His only friend in the world was hospitalized, so I felt responsible to help restore a sense of normalcy."

Moore: "I didn't realize you had such strong paternal instincts."

Smith: [Hopeful] "And?"

Moore: "What 'and'? My kid sister watches that 'Roommates' show, though."

Smith: "Is she seeing anyone?"

Moore: "Ewwww!"

Smith: [Anxious and embarrassed] "I meant possibly introducing her to Butthead."

Moore: [Still repulsed] "I know! Ewwww!"

Smith: [Sighing] "Butthead should be arriving soon, whether with or against his will. How is Beavis?"

Moore: "He's stable, still believing himself to be Ponce. I couldn't, on good conscience, or board approval, return him to the MRI without medical necessity. Do we have another hypnotist who can work with him, or just the one, following the loss of... hypno-shrinky dude?"

Smith: "I say we try a joint hypnosis session with Beavis and Butthead this morning. Tell the hypnotist to emphasize it as a joint session, to see if that excites Beavis back to his 'ordinary self'."
Jun 25, 2024 1:18:41 pm
*********

[Butthead finds himself sitting on the sofa with Beavis, having no idea how he got there.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?"

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "You remember how we got here?"

Beavis: "No."

BH: "Me, neither. Whatever."

[Butthead sees plates with waffles and 2 glasses of chocolate milk on The Lazy Butthead.]

BH: "Go get the stuff, Beavis!"

[They begin stabbing, chewing, and chugging for a few seconds. They're done.]

Beavis: "We gotta go to school, Butthead?"

BH: "Nope!"

[Someone knocks on the front door 3 times.]

BH: "Get the door, Beavis!"

Beavis: "Fine!"

[Beavis opens the door.]

Visitor: "Hello. My name is Randall. I'm to take a Mr. Beavis and a Mr. Butthead to the academy."

Beavis: "What?! School?!"

Randall: "Yes. Are you Mr. Beavis or Butthead."

Beavis: "Beavis, but we don't gotta go to school."

Randall: "I beg to differ. This is a VERY special school."

Beavis: "No! No more school!"

[Beavis slams the door.]

BH: "Wha'd 'e want, Beavis?"

Beavis: "To take us to school."

BH: "Huh, huh! Dumbass... We got our gen somethin's."

[Meanwhile, at the agency, in the real world...]

Dr. Eriksen: "30 seconds have passed, Agent Smith. In this accelerated form of hypnosis, that's the equivalent of nearly 6 months' training. Their EEGs are showing no signs of higher brain functioning, whatsoever."

Smith: "What the hell happened, Dr. Eriksen?!"

Eriksen: "I'd imagine they slammed the door during the memory of the chauffer's arrival and returned to their routine of vegging out in front of the TV, stuffing their faces, and..."

Smith: "Yes, thank you, Dr. Eriksen. I'm quite familiar with their lifestyle. Do we have a contingency plan?"

Eriksen: "Yes, sir. We bring them out of hypnosis and start fresh with an implant of a more assertive chauffer."

Smith: "You can't use a cop, an agent, or SOMEONE to compel them?"

Eriksen: "No, sir. That sort of trauma could lead to unexpected results."

Smith: "So you're telling me that they're going to awaken with memories of YEARS without proper mental stimulation?"

Eriksen: "Sir? They've spent the equivalent of nearly 2 years at this stage. Do you want me to awaken them FIRST, and THEN we can discuss the details of the second attempt?"

Smith: "Ugh! Yes, please. I sure hope they're not destined to remain permanent ushers at the theater due to this debacle. I had such high hopes for Mr. Butthead after he killed the hypnotist yesterday and didn't care."

Eriksen: [Shocked] "I beg your pardon?!"

Smith: "Oh, sorry. I didn't want that to be aloud."

Eriksen: "Under the circumstances, I think I'm entitled to know what happened."

Smith: "Sorry. No. Classified. Mind your business. Wake them up and I'll find someone to replace you if you can't handle a little work-related stress."

[Eriksen shakes his head, widens his eyes, fills his cheeks with air, and blows with tightened lips out of frustration.]
**************
Jun 26, 2024 10:40:31 pm

[Beavis and Butthead awaken cranky since they'd stayed up late on their imposed idea of the final Saturday to watch several adult features. Sunday morning disturbances don't compute in their minds.]

BH: "Let go o' my arm, Beavis!"

Beavis: "I'm not touchin' you, Butthead!"

[Butthead tries to smack Beavis, but upsets a table with a glass of water atop it. Water fries the internal circuitry of Dr. Eriksen's equipment. Eriksen, handling the equipment at the time and being ungrounded, is electrocuted. Smith is relieved that a State secret remains secure, despite Beavis and Butthead's awareness.]

Smith: "Gentlemen?"

BH: "What's goin' on?"

Beavis: "Where are we?!"

Smith: "You're 2 for 2, Mr. Butthead. And, Mr. Beavis? You and Mr. Butthead are at the agency. Do you remember our time together?"

BH: "Sorta, dude. It's been a long time."

Smith: "Well, for you, yes... 2 to 3 years have come and gone, but not for me and the rest of the world. You've been under hypnosis. What do you remember from your time at the agency?"

BH: "Uh... Knockin' you out and killin' hypno-shrinky dude?"

Smith: "Yes, you did. Moments ago you accidentally killed another one. How do you feel?"

BH: "Hungry. Can... May Kinney bring some waffles from the freezer?"

Smith: "Kinney is in the field today, but I'll see if I can get in touch with someone better suited for retrieving frozen waffles. You are aware, Mr. Butthead, that Agent Kinney's duties do not entail room service?"

BH: "Huh, huh. Yeah. Dr. Moore, right, 'cause she's a chick?"

Smith: "No, Mr. Butthead. A low-ranking member of the kitchen staff."

[Smith looks to Beavis.]

Smith: "How are you, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "What's that stink?"

Smith: "Dr. Eriksen, the hypnotist. This incident is going to be a bit more complicated since Eriksen maintained his civilian status, but his demise was most assuredly an accident."

BH: "Do I gotta talk to the cops?"

Smith: "No. I need to erase his identity and have you and Mr. Beavis forget that you ever met Dr. Eriksen. Sound good?"

BH: "Do we get hush money, dude?"

Smith: "How does a 50 cent per hour raise strike you?"

BH: "Cool! Huh, huh."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Yeah! Yeah!"

Smith: "Let's go, gentlemen. We have a fresh one and a cold one, so you're coming with me to the crematorium following a quick stop to the freezer."
************

Jun 27, 2024 1:32:42 pm

[Smith, Beavis, and Butthead remove Hypno-Shrinky Dude from the freezer, en route to the crematorium.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis? Didja ever think, after all the stuff we've burned, that we'd burn people?"

Beavis: "Fire! Fire!"

[Smith shakes his head and waves his arms at the two concerned guards further down the hall.]

Smith: "Mr. Beavis? Don't you realize at your age that you can't shout 'Fire!' in mixed company when there isn't one?"

Beavis: "No! I like fire."

Smith: [Sighs] "We're only going to be delivering the hypnotists, not doing the deed ourselves. Here we are."

[Smith sees a sign on the door.]

Smith: "Out of order? We can't afford to delay, gentlemen. These men are too great of a liability if the wrong parties see them. To the Dissolution Room! Follow me."

Beavis: "Hey, Butthead?"

BH: "What, Beavis?"

Beavis: "That skinny dude with big black hair didn't make that green pointy headed lady thing disappear."

BH: "Shut up, Beavis! We're not there yet!"

Smith: "What's the problem, gentlemen?"

BH: "Uh... Beavis was tryna dis illusion before we got to the room. So, uh... why we gotta stop there before we get rid o' these dead hypno-shrinky dudes?"

Smith: "No, Mr. Butthead. It's not a place to criticize so-called magic. The term refers to dissolving."

BH: "Oh. Huh, huh... huh. Who's your favorite magician, though? I like David Blaine. He could prob'ly sneak in here and no one'd be able to stop him."

Smith: "You grossly underestimate our intelligence gathering capabilities, Mr. Butthead. But... since you asked... I enjoyed the late Harry Anderson. I'm confident that you and Mr. Beavis would enjoy the sit-com, 'Night Court', for which he was the star: John Laroquette's character, especially. Your dossiers would contain various similarities, were he an actual person."

BH: [Spaced out by an expired attention span, but inexplicably grateful] "Uh... okay. You get any o' that, Beavis?"

Beavis: "No."

Smith: "I'll loan you the DVD. How's that sound?"

BH: "Thanks, dude. What DVD?"

Smith: "You'll understand once you start watching, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "So, uh... You said I killed this other hypno-shrinky dude. How?"

Smith: "You thought Beavis was grabbing your arm and splashed a glass of water on the hypnotist's equipment."

BH: "Uh, huh, huh... huh! Wouldn't he just look like he'd pissed himself?"

Smith: [Rolls eyes] "No, Mr. Butthead. ELECTRICAL equipment. You accidentally electrocuted him while you were waking up from your session."

BH: "Huh, huh!"

Beavis: "Heh, heh!"

Smith: "Yes, I suppose it is funny in an odd way, because I might have had to kill him myself as a security measure. Let's hope that tomorrow's hypno-therapist has superior survival instincts."

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