Butthead In The Matrix Pt5 (In Description)

Longest installment yet. The audio concerns some geek / rip-off stuff, and then I digress, as usual.

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Pt4: https://rumble.com/v71g4qu-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt4-in-description.html / 3: v714dcy-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt3-in-description.html / 2: v70frp2-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt2-in-description.html / 1: v704hgi-butthead-in-the-matrix-pt1-in-description.html

BH: "So, uh... What happens if the Dis uh-somethin' Room is outta order?"

Smith: "Impossible, Mr. Butthead. All we need is a special chemical cocktail and plastic bins."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! You said cock and tail!"

Smith: [Frustrated] "It refers to a blend, Mr. Beavis, not the human anatomy."

BH: "Yeah, Beavis! Grow up! Huh, huh! No. He did say cock and tail, and he can't unsay 'em."

[Smith shakes his head in surrender. The trio arrives at The Dissolution Room.]

Smith: "Here we are, gentlemen."

BH: "So, uh... May we stick 'em in a bathtub and watch 'em fall through the floor?"

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Yeah!"

Smith: "Oh, so you've seen THAT crime thriller? Good for you, and no... We will not."

BH: "Whaddaya do with all the nasty goo?"

Smith: "Do you REALLY want to know? You can't speak of this to anyone."

BH: "Not even Beavis?"

Smith: [Sighs] "He's with us, Mr. Butthead. He's going to hear it, unless he decides to run."

Beavis: "No! No running. Hearing!"

Smith: "Very well. The water from the bodies is extracted via a process known as reverse osmosis."

BH: "Whoa! Do ya drink it?"

Smith: "No, Mr. Butthead. The water gets distilled and serves other functions."

BH: "Go on."

Smith: "The collagen is sold to plastic surgeons, the calcium from bone goes in vitamins and pet food, and we sell the hydrochloric acid to unscrupulous soda companies that claim to use citric acid."

Beavis: "What's unscrupulous?"

Smith: "Lacking scruples."

Beavis: "What's a scruple?"

Smith: "Ethics, Mr. Beavis."

BH: "Do any soda companies have scruples?"

Smith: "No."

BH: "Do we, here?"

Smith: "No."

BH: "Cool! So whadda the surgeons do with that, uh... cauliflower stuff?"

Smith: "Collagen, Mr. Butthead? I suppose they most often give women duck lips if they happen to be insecure about thinness."

[Beavis and Butthead laugh simultaneously.]

Smith: "You like that, do you? Prepare yourselves, gentlemen, because this process is not pretty. We extract many tissues prior to dissolving what remains of the bodies."

BH: "Isn't this expensive?"

Smith: "We don't worry about cost, gentlemen. We're the government. The more we spend, the more powerful we become."

BH: "So, uh... may we get another raise?"

Smith: "You're going to be earning far more than minimum wage, Mr. Butthead."

Beavis: "How 'bout me?!"

Smith: "You, Mr. Beavis... will likely continue to earn minimum wage for the foreseeable future."

Beavis: "That SUCKS!"

Smith: "I'm sure it does."

BH: "Why ya gonna pay me so much more, now, but not Beavis?"

Smith: "The bureaucracy has a salary structure, Mr. Butthead, over which I have no control. We were teasing you about minimum wage."

BH: "You still teasin' Beavis?"

Smith: "No. He's going to be more of a sidekick to you during your probationary theater assignment. Our administrative staff will pose as a temp agency to place both of you at the theater. You, though, Mr. Butthead, will be serving our purposes in proving your value."

BH: So I'm gonna be like Batman and Beavis'll be Robin?"

Smith: [Rolls eyes] "I thought you wanted to wear a turban and title yourself Boot-hey-odd."

BH: "Huh, huh! Oh, yeah. Beavis is Kurt."

Smith: [Smirking] "Fascinating. Lock the door, please, Mr. Beavis. I'll fetch some hazmat suits."

[A montage commences with the theme from "Re-Animator", showing the shocked and repulsed expressions on Beavis and Butthead's faces. Smith grabs various cutting and sawing tools as blood splatters onto the giant rubber mat covering the floor and the lower halves of walls.]
********
7/4

[Beavis and Butthead stand motionless, wide-eyed, slack-jawed, and stiff as boards by the time Smith finishes his salvaging and prepares to dissolve the remains.]

Smith: "Gentlemen?"

[5 seconds pass.]

Smith: "Gentlemen?!"

[Smith snaps his fingers in each of their faces, observing no reflex activity. Clapping them on their shoulders also proves futile. He proceeds to load them onto the cart. Their joints don't respond to gravity, as if a pre-mortem rigor mortis has manifested.]

Smith: "Oh, my God! Beavis?! Butthead?!"

[No response.]

Smith: "Boot-hey-odd?! Kurt?! Ponce De Leon?! [Scratches head] Cornholio?!"

[Still nothing. Smith grabs his phone from his belt.]

Moore: "Hello?"

Smith: "Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "Yes?"

Smith: "This is Agent Smith. A couple of my trainees appear to be suffering catatonia and rigor mortis."

Moore: "That sounds to me like they're dead. Have you checked their pulse?"

Smith: "They were standing up when I finished my... task."

Moore: "What task?"

Smith: "Something that might account for catatonia, but that's all I can tell you. I have them on a cart. Can you please come to the top floor, sector 2, immediately?"

Moore: "Please check for a pulse, Agent Smith. It might save me a trip."

[Smith verifies.]

Smith: "Yes, they do, but they're unresponsive."

Moore: "Who are the trainees?"

Smith: "Beavis and Butthead."

Moore: "Have they ever actually been responsive?"

Smith: "Good one, but their reflexes are impaired. How soon can you be here?"

Moore: "2 to 3 minutes."

Smith: "Thank you."

[Beavis, hearing Dr. Moore's name, reacts as he did upon initial contact.]

Smith: "Well, Mr. Beavis? I'm both pleased and disturbed to inform you that your hearing, long term memory, salivary glands, and libido are intact. How about you, Mr. Butthead?"

[Butthead begins laughing, akin to the sound of 72 RPM vinyl at 45 speed.]
********
7/5

[Agent Smith drops the hypnotists' remains in the plastic bins, grabs the water hose to clean his hazmat suit, and pushes the cart containing Beavis and Butthead into the hall after dabbing his suit with a bath towel. Dr. Moore emerges from the nearby elevator as Smith closes the door to The Dissolution Room.]

Moore: "Did you make them watch?"

Smith: "You weren't supposed to see me closing that door. You know too much."

Moore: "It's the only room on this floor besides the two restrooms."

Smith: "Are you implying that I should have waited until after I hosed myself off and boarded the elevator, upon recognizing a medical emergency?"

Moore: "No, but why would you have to hose yourself off after dumping two un-mangled bodies into 50 gallon totes? I'd think some elbow length gloves would be sufficient."

Smith: "Oh, so you noticed my hazmat suit?"

Moore: "Duh?!"

Smith: "Not to... I mean... To change the subject, you're not like any other agency physician I've met."

Moore: "How so?"

Smith: "You'd have fit in nicely watching TV with Butthead and me last night."

Moore: [Unflattered / sarcastic] "Gee, thanks."

Smith: "I meant it as a compliment. You're casual and folksy when the situation warrants it, not stiff."

Moore: "Thanks, but if you're trying to hit on me, again, kindly stop. Speaking of stiffness, though, let's get these young men down to the hospital ward for a thorough exam."

Smith: "I think they're beginning to recover. Mr. Butthead was vocal immediately after my phone call with you, and Mr. Beavis was, well... excited."

Moore: "Let's get moving. Believe it or not, there is at least one well documented case of a woman who suffered two heart attacks, was pronounced brain dead, developed rigor mortis, but somehow revived."

Smith: "Really? Was the pronouncement an error, or was it Lazarus Syndrome?"

Moore: "I don't know that many details. It has also been documented for people to sleep while standing, with their eyes opened, but I've never heard of it occurring in tandem with catatonia and rigor mortis."

[Dr. Moore turns her attention to Beavis and Butthead.]

Moore: "Mr. Beavis? Mr. Butthead? Would you please say something?"
******
7/7

BH: "Who dares address The Great Boot-hey-odd as Butthead, or, uh... Loyal Disciple Kurt as Beavis?"

Moore: "I'm Doctor Moore. How are you feeling?"

BH: "I feel that you don't kneel... for The Great Boot-hey-odd."

Moore: "Why would I do that?"

BH: "Those who fail to kneel before Boot-hey-odd shall feel my wrath!"

Moore: "Wrath?"

Smith: "Are you actually buying this?"

BH: "Hey? Shut up, dude."

[Smith shakes his head. Butthead returns to his exchange with Dr. Moore.]

Moore: "Would you ever have expected him to use a term like 'disciple'?"

Smith: "Fair enough. Enjoy."

BH: "Yes. Wrath."

Moore: "What kind of wrath?"

BH: "Uh... Malt balls."

Moore: "Malt balls? How is that wrath? They're pretty tasty."

Smith: "That's true. They are."

BH: "Kurt will spit them at those who fail to kneel, but also if they don't tell me how many times they've seen a movie."

Smith: "He doesn't even have the turban yet, and it's already gone to his head. Regardless, I suggest we bring in a female hypnotist, ASAP."

Moore: "Why a woman? So you can try to hit on her?"

Smith: "No! Because Butthead has killed two male hypnotists in as many days, and I'd like to see how he handles a woman. Satisfied?"

Moore: "Yes, but I'd suggest additional security."

Smith: "Naturally. I'll call a temp agency, too, because we're fresh out of hypnotists."

Moore: "Shouldn't you fly one in from another branch who's familiar with the agency's methods?"

Smith: "Do you enjoy making me look stupid?"

Moore: [Smiling] "No."

Smith: "Good, but why are you smiling?"

Moore: "My contribution to your hasty reasoning is nil."
*****
7/8

[A harp plays as Beavis indulges a fantasy of working alongisde The Great Boot-hey-odd as a theater usher. The story begins on Butthead's sofa.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?"

Beavis: "Kurt, Great Boot-hey-odd."

BH: "Oh, yeah. Huh, huh... huh. They're not gonna let us buy 10 cartons of malt balls at the theater."

Beavis: "Why not?!"

BH: "'Cause they just don't. They'd run out."

Beavis: "What're we gonna do?"

BH: We'll hit the store, but we can't bring 'em in, either, 'cause it's outside food."

Beavis: "How's this gonna work at all?"

BH: "You stuff 'em in your cheeks, like ammo."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Heh, heh!"

[Beavis and Butthead walk into the theater. The manager is there to unlock the door and let them in, 15 minutes before the start of business.]

Manager: [Staring worriedly at Beavis] Oh, my! Are you all right, young man?"

[Beavis can't answer.]

BH: "Uh... He had those extra teeth pulled."

Manager: "Wisdom?"

BH: "Uh... Don't think so. Not Beavis."

Beavis: "Uh uh [Shut up], Ooh-ay-ah!"

BH: "Huh, huh... huh!"

Manager: "Well, let me show you to your station. Your temp agency insisted upon you working as a team, and compensated us handsomely. Under the circumstances, your colleague wouldn't be able to work solo. Have you ripped tickets and given people directions before?"

BH: "We've ripped a lot o' stuff, and given kids bad directions."

Manager: "Well, today, let's confine our focus to tickets and GOOD directions, shall we?"

BH: "Sure thing, dude."

Manager: "Please call me Mr. Jacobs, or Sir."

BH: "Okay, but I like callin' a dude 'dude', dude."

[The manager harrumphs and returns to the snack bar. Patrons begin arriving for the first matinee. As a crowd approaches Beavis and Butthead, the intro to the theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" plays. They can easily see the brilliant white light of the sign, attached to the ceiling, for the movie they purchased. They ignore Butthead's demands to kneel as he rips their ticket stubs.

Beavis blows malt balls out of his cheeks with the rapidity of a Gatling gun. Patrons begin running in slow-motion to the tune of "Chariots of Fire". Fearing that the projectiles were bullets, the somber "Titanic" scat verse from "My Heart Will Go On" plays as a dog pile is unwittingly formed by the panicked patrons: also in slow-motion.

Beavis awakens and laughs.]
*******
7/11

Smith: "Are you going to be okay on your own, Dr. Moore? I need to contact the HQ to fly in another hypnotist."

Moore: "Yes, Agent Smith. We have security personnel in the ward."

Smith: "Of course. Excuse me."

[Smith returns to his office to make the call.]

HQ secretary: "Headquarters. This is Lorraine speaking. How may I direct your call?"

Smith: "This is Agent Smith at installation number 26. I need a hypnotist flown to my branch as soon as possible."

Lorraine: "One moment, please."

H.R. Director: "This is Alex Simmons, director of H.R. How may I help you, Agent Smith?"

Smith: "Hello, Mr. Simmons. I need a female hypnotist."

Simmons: "Why is there a need for a female?"

Smith: "The two previous hypnotists were male, and they weren't able to complete their work."

Simmons: "How so?"

Smith: "Eyes only, Mr. Simmons. I'm not at liberty to discuss the details. Would you be able to fly a female hypnotist to my branch, or not?"

Simmons: "I'd need a valid reason since you're insisting upon a female, Agent Smith."

Smith: "Variety?"

Simmons: "These calls are recorded for quality assurance purposes, Agent Smith. I can't justify a female when the reason is phrased as a question."

Smith: "Fine. Diversity."

Simmons: "Now you're speaking my language. Equitable outcomes?"

Smith: "Obviously not. The other two hynotists failed."

Simmmons: "We still take equity very seriously, Agent Smith."

Smith: "Aren't you likely to have a female hypnotist sent, anyway, in the interest of inclusivity?"

Simmons: "I'm impressed, Agent Smith. You know your productivity-stifling bureaucracy turned tyrannical pop culture."

Smith: [Rolls eyes] "Thank you."

Simmons: "The hypnotist is going to be a woman, regardless, Agent Smith, because I'll advocate for it, aggressively."

Smith: "Then why, with all due respect, did you force me to endure all of that?"

Simmons: "You know how Ronald the clown lures children into diners to eat and drink poison?"

Smith: "Yes. What about him?"

Simmons: "I couldn't phrase it as a simile about H.R. We do important work in this department."

Smith: "Sure, you do."

Simmons: "Are you patronizing me, Agent Smith?"

Smith: "Ya think? Send the hypnotist ASAP. Thank you and goodbye."

[Smith hangs up his phone.]

Simmons: "Hmm. Such a nice guy."
******
7/13

[Meanwhile, in the hospital ward...]

BH: "Hey, Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "Yes?"

BH: "Can... May Beavis 'n' me get the rest o' the day off? We gotta go turban 'n' malt ball shoppin'."

Moore: "Beavis and I."

BH: "Uh... okay. But make it an egg shell white turban, large, a clip-on broach with a phony plastic ruby, and don't buy Beavis any soda. He might turn into Cornholio and get both o' you banned from more stores."

Moore: "I was correcting your grammar, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "Oh. But can we go to the store, or do we gotta ask Smith?"

Moore: "Yes, you..."

BH: "Cool! Let's go, Beavis."

Moore: "No, Mr. Butthead. That was a loaded question. I meant that you have to ask Agent Smith. Besides, I need to keep both of you here, overnight, for observation, due to the abnormal symptoms you experienced."

BH: "Didn't we just have a freak-out, or somethin'?"

Moore: "Apparently, yes. Your joint stiffness is resolving, but I can't release you until I'm certain that your health is restored. You're both malnourished, so I've been administering supplements. Would you like anything to eat?"

Beavis: "I want pizza!"

Moore: "No, Mr. Beavis. We have healthier options for you. I'll have a nurse assistant bring menus."

BH: "Thanks, Doc."

Moore: "You're welcome. I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on you."

[Dr. Moore leaves the room.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?"

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "You wanna order a pizza? I got my phone."

Beavis: "Yeah!"

BH: "Do you s'pose they'll let the driver through the gate, though?"

Beavis: "I dunno. Who cares?! Do it!"

[45 minutes later, Agent Smith enters the hospital ward.]

BH: "Oh, hey, dude."

Beavis: "Hey."

Smith: "Yes. Hey to all concerned. It's my sad duty to report to you that your attempted delivery this evening was unsuccessful."

BH: "How come, dude?!"

Smith: "In addition to your restricted diet, the delivery driver had a warrant out for his arrest."

BH: "You mean we got him arrested?"

Smith: "Essentially, yes. It was a low priority white collar felony, but fugitives attempting to enter top secret government facilities amounts to a national security threat. He will never see the light of day again, all because you chose to violate doctor's orders by devouring a pizza."

BH: "So, uh... what's that mean for us?"

Smith: "No pizza."

Beavis: "That sucks!"

BH: "Sure does, Beavis. So, uh... Smith? I mean, dude? You wanna stay with us to eat some bran, parsnips, and bok choy?"

Smith: "No, thank you, gentlemen. I have some paperwork to complete. I'll see you both, tomorrow, bright and early, for another hypnosis session."

[Smith exits the ward.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis? I bet we get to do 3 years of nothing, again."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Yeah. Stupid chauffer."
*******
7/15

[The following morning, at the hospital ward, Smith enters Beavis's and Butthead's room, appearing frustrated.]

Smith: "Good morning, gentlemen. How are you feeling?"

BH: "Uh... okay."

Beavis: "Fine."

Smith: "Glad to hear it. I'm afraid that there's going to be a delay on the arrival of the hypnotist."

BH: "You're scared, dude?"

Beavis; "Heh, heh... heh!"

Smith: "It's a figure of speech, Mr. Butthead, not an admission of fear. Regardless, I'm going to give you the remainder of the week off to recover. On Monday, you'll be assigned to Agents Bradford and Kinney for ride-alongs."

Beavis: "But I'm makin' minimum wage."

Smith: "Your point being?"

Beavis: "Err..."

Smith: "Your only responsibility on a ride-along, Mr. Beavis, is to watch and listen. You may still achieve junior agent status, but you'll have to prove yourself like Mr. Butthead."

Beavis: "You want me to kill hypno-shrinky dudes?"

[Smith sighs and aggressively rubs his left hand down his face.]

BH: "They're gonna send a chick this time, Beavis: HSC."

Smith: "I beg your pardon?"

BH: "Hypno-shrinky chick."

[Smith sneers and shakes his head.]

BH: "Are you comin' to the fancy brunch on Sunday, dude?"

Smith: "Possibly."

BH: "Ya got trunks?"

Smith: "Swim trunks? Yes, but why?"

BH: "Kinney told us to wear suits."

Smith: "He was obviously referring to 3-piece suits."

[Butthead begins tapping on his phone.]

Smith: "Whom are you texting, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "I'm makin' a shopping list, dude." [Begins talking to himself.] "Turban... malt balls... uh... trikini." [Turns his attention back to Smith.] "So wha' does a trikini cover besides bikini stuff? Feet? Or is it one o' those swim cap things?"

Smith: "Mr. Butthead... please?"

BH: "Belly button?"

Smith: "No, Mr. Butthead. Tell you what... As soon as Dr. Moore releases you today, I'll take you both suit shopping and you'll see exactly what Agent Kinney meant. Sound good?"

BH: "Uh... yeah. Sure. Thanks, dude."

Beavis: "Thanks."

Smith: "You're welcome. Is there anything either of you need right now?"

Beavis: "Super Frosted Caramel Puffs, strawberry milk... and superhero comics."

Smith: "It was a trick question, Mr. Beavis. This hospital meets all of your needs."

BH: "So, uh... dude? How ya gonna decide whether Bradford or Kinney gets stuck with Beavis for the ride-along?"

Beavis: "Shut up, Butthead!"

Smith: "Quite insightful, Mr. Butthead. Except the concern is antithetical."

BH: "Uh... Anta what?!"

Smith: "You have two unintentional kills, Mr. Butthead, and Mr. Beavis generally remains quiet until someone engages him, so the worry is which agent gets stuck with you."

Beavis: "Heh, heh... heh!"

[Butthead tries to smack Beavis but falls out of bed.]
*****
7/17

Smith: "Are you okay, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Uh... yeah. May I try to smack Beavis again?"

Smith: [Stoic] "No."

Beavis: "When're we goin' shopping, boss?"

Smith: "As soon as Dr. Moore confirms your release. Feel free to watch TV in the meantime. This hospital has cable access, the likes of which you've never experienced."

[Beavis turns on the TV to discover a rare channel featuring late 20th century rock music videos. Gwar is playing, and the duo demonstrates via their rhythmic nodding that their joint stiffness is resolved.

Before Smith can even reach his office, Dr. Moore notes the sudden spike in pulse from the monitors in the nurses' station, then calls him to retrieve Beavis and Butthead after glancing at the video surveillance feed.]

Smith: "Gentlemen?"

[Their heads are still nodding violently, their right arms are raised with the index and pinky fingers aimed upward, while the thumbs cover the middle and ring fingers. The TV volume is blasting and their eyes are shut tightly.]

Smith: "Gentlemen?!"

[Smith grabs the remote and shuts off the TV.]

BH: "Hey?! That was Gwar, dude!"

Smith: "Is that so?"

Beavis: "Yeah!"

Smith: "Right, so... Get dressed and let's have you guys fitted for suits."

[15 minutes later, Smith, Beavis, and Butthead arrive at The People's Showroom.]

Salesman: "Good morning! How might I help you, gentlemen?"

Smith: "Good morning. I need to get these young men fitted for suits and tuxedos."

Salesman: "Excellent! My name is Barnes, by the way, and I appreciate you selecting our store for your needs. If you'll accompany me to the dressing room, I'll take the necessary measurements."

[They follow Barnes to the rear of the shop. Smooth jazz is playing during the fitting montage, but a choir of trumpets blares ominously as the hand and tape rise to each inseam. Beavis's and Butthead's eye-widening from shock is synchronized with the trumpets.

Once Butthead is in his tuxedo and admiring himself in the mirror, he turns to Barnes.]

BH: "Hey, dude?"

Barnes: "Barnes, sir."

BH: "No. Dude."

Barnes: "Barnes, if you would be so kind, sir."

BH: "Fine. Hey, Barnes...?"

[Smith interrupts.]

Smith: "So it's that easy, then. Thank you, Mr. Barnes."

BH: [At Smith] "Huh, huh... huh! No. It's too late for you, dude."

[Butthead turns his attention back to Barnes.]

BH: So, uh... Barnes? Could you plug my phone into your speaker system and play the Bond theme from a music streaming site?"

Barnes: "Oh, ceratinly. We receive that request all the time. Will you be requiring a rubber gun?"

BH: "Cool! Yeah, uh... I'll be requiring it. Huh, huh!"

[A few minutes later, the "Doo duh duh doo doo..." motive begins. Butthead is shown running into vacant fitting rooms and leaping out of them with his gun drawn. He becomes overzealous and kicks one of the doors in, not realizing that he's in a unisex fitting room. A woman screams.

Barnes is horrified, fearing a lawsuit and job loss. Smith is sighing and staring upward in angst, but knows that he can make any problem disappear.]
*******

7/17

Female customer: "How dare you?! I was naked!"

BH: [Nervous but awed] "Huh, huh... huh. Still are... huh, huh."

Smith: "What have you done, Mr. Butthead?!"

BH: "Uh... Kicked in a door...Saw a naked lady... . Kept seein' one. Huh, huh."

[Smith glares at Butthead, as if preparing to fire lasers from his eyes.]

Barnes: "This is no laughing matter, young man!"

[Barnes looks toward the naked lady who has absentmindedly emerged from her private dressing room, ready to apologize profusely.]

Barnes: "Miss? I can't apologize enough, but you have a few articles of clothing in need of donning before we can accept your return to the common area of the fitting room."

Naked lady: [In shock] "What are you implying?"

Barnes: [Initially pensive] "How can I phrase this delicately? If we sold... birthday suits... at this establishment, yours would be difficult to keep in stock, but it's with much regret that I have to inform you of our natural state being inappropriate in commercial spaces."

[The woman looks down at herself and screams again. The general manager storms into the dressing room from his rear office. Butthead cautiously approaches Smith.]

BH: [Whispering] "Uh... Am I fired, dude, or you gonna tranq all these peeps 'n' hold 'em 'til the HSC comes?"

[Smith initially raises his right arm in a swift manner, placing his palm in an oblique orientation a few inches above his left shoulder, as if ready to give Butthead a harsh smack, but then he calmly lowers his arm, and furrows his right eyebrow, followed by a slight tilt of the head to the left, as if seriously considering Butthead's course of action.]
*****
7/19

[Smith opens his coat and presses a sequence of 4 numbers on his emergency phone to dispatch a fake team of communicable disease containment personnel in hazmat suits, immediately alerted to his GPS coordinates.]

BH: "Whacha doin', dude?"

Smith: "Shh."

Manager: "What's happening in here, Barnes, and why is this woman naked?!"

[The naked lady screams again, but finally returns to her dressing room and closes the door.]

Barnes: "Sir? We had an issue with this young man in the tuxedo, taking his James Bond role-playing a bit too seriously by kicking in one of the dressing room doors."

Manager: "I heard the woman scream twice, though. Why has she been naked all this time?"

Barnes: "Was I supposed to grab her, sir?"

Naked lady: [Heard, not seen] "Ewww!"

Manager: "I'm calling the police."

Smith: "That won't be necessary, Mister...?"

Manager: "Jones. Franklin Jones. I'm not letting this go, Mister...?"

Smith: "Smith. Agent Smith. I'm with The National Intelligence Service."

[Smith flashes his badge.]

Manager: "Oh, great! So we have to play along with whatever false flag event that your people are going to stage, to cover the butt of your lackey, or I'll wind up in a can of dog food?!"

Smith: "Shall I name the number of things about your query that are incorrect?"

Manager: "Please do."

Smith: "Fine. The young man in the tuxedo, Mr. Butthead, isn't a lackey, but an agent trainee."

Manager: "What about this other one?"

Smith: "Beavis? What does it matter? He did nothing wrong."

Manager: "I was curious."

Smith: "Future theater usher. Current best and only friend to Mr. Butthead."

Manager: "That's kinda sweet."

Smith: "Yes, isn't it? Cat food, though, Mr. Jones."

Manager: "I beg your pardon?!"

Smith: "You suggested dog food as your...eh hem... final resting place. I'd have to verify the pet food sales statistics in the region to provide you with the probability of the variety of can in which you might find yourself."

Manager: "Are you serious?!"

Smith: "Well... Being dispersed is also a potential. If you'd like to learn about feed for City zoos and County shelters, the agency has a hotline."

Manager: "You're putting me on!"

[The naked lady returns, clothed, to the common area.]

Smith: "Yes. That was a bit of levity to lighten the mood. There's no hotline, and my people will make certain that you remember nothing you saw or heard today."

Manager: "How?"

Smith: "Not only is that classified, it's not going to matter in a few hours or days."

BH: "Huh, huh! HSC."

Clothed Lady: "What's HSC? The Home Shopping Channel?"

Smith: "If that helps you... Sure."

Clothed Lady: "I've received packages from them with stuff I didn't remember buying. Did YOU do that to me?!"

[Smith's eyes widen as he develops a clearer understanding of the prolonged nudity.]

Smith: "Sorry, but I don't work in that department. My colleagues will be arriving soon in full hazmat suits. Moan every so often on the gurneys, once you're outside, and don't fidget if they begin applying yellow make-up to your faces to have you appear jaundiced from liver damage. Mr. Jones? I need access to your P.A. system in order to advise all other shoppers to exit the store."
*******
7/21

[Franklin insists upon being responsible for the advisory to clear the store since his years of H.R. training have prepared him for crowd control during emergencies. It's uneventful, and everyone calmly clears the store. However, many customers remain in the parking lot, chatting with new acquaintances about the oddity of a threat coming from the fitting room. 10 minutes later, everyone hears jovial organ music, a roaring lion, and a trumpeting elephant.]

Smith: "Oops. I meant to dial 2627 for AMAS: Advanced Medical Assistance Squad, but I must have mistakenly dialed 2727."

Franklin: "What's 2727?"

Smith: "CRCS: Circus."

Beavis: "Heh, heh!"

BH: "Uh, huh, huh... huh! What're we gonna do, dude?"

Smith: "There's always a contingency plan, Mr. Butthead. We keep everyone contained in the dressing room, while unemployed members of the public enjoy an unadvertised big top act outside a clothing store. I'll have a chopper drop a boring device onto the roof with a mild explosive. It will detonate as the human cannnonball is launched from the parking lot to... another section of the parking lot. A box of clown suits and masks will drop into the hole blasted in the top of the building. Put them on as quickly as possible, and honk your horns as we're lifted by the cable, so that it seems like part of the show. Don't worry about holding on. They'll have belts to keep us attached securely, and pull us into the chopper with a winch."

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "I heard you say 'boring', and then some exciting stuff. Uh... huh, huh. I'm lost."

Clothed Lady: [Thrilled] "Wow! I've never ridden in a helicopter before!"

Franklin: "Do you realize what they're going to do to us?"

Clothed Lady: "Yes. Erase our memories. That'll be two fewer men who've seen me naked, and I won't remember that these three other guys saw me naked."

Franklin: "Well, that's a silver lining if ever I heard one."

Barnes: "What if we detach ourselves from the cable, fall a few feet onto the roof, climb down the hole and make a run for it past the circus?"

BH: "You don't know about the glossy eggs, dude? I mean, Barnes?"

Smith: "Shut up, Mr. Butthead. There's nowhere to run, Mr. Barnes. My agency's database knows you better than you know yourself. It knows where you live, where you'd run, and who would help you."

Barnes: "I don't believe you. I'm going to detach myself."

Smith: [At Barnes] "Very well." [Turns to BH] "Mr. Butthead? You're not fired, by the way. You were off the clock for this fiasco. You'd have to be arrested for a violent crime to face job termination. Due to my involvement, I couldn't risk association in a police report. Mr. Barnes will be the target of your ride-along on Monday since you're already familiar with him."

[Barnes rolls his eyes and shakes his head.]

BH: "Huh, huh! You're toast, dude."

[Smith appreciates Butthead's enthusiasm and decides to tease Barnes.]

Smith: "Will you be requiring a flamethrower, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Huh, huh! Yeah, du... uh... boss. I'll be requiring it."

[A tear of joy forms in Smith's right eye as Barnes's jaw drops.]
*******
7/23

Clothed Lady: "Wait a minute! You're going to delay 4 days before catching this guy?! What if he meets a sketch artist, a painter, a sculp...?"

Smith: "We all get the idea. Thank you, Ms...?"

Clothed Lady: "Swanson. Janet Swanson."

BH: "Uh... To me, she'll always be Naked Lady."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Me, too!"

Janet: [Angry] "Would you please erase THEIR memories, too?"

Smith: "No."

Janet: "Yours?"

Smith: "NO! I could, however, have the hypnotist program in some therapy so that you'll become more comfortable with yourself."

Janet: "How comfortable?"

Smith: "Would you like to be a stripper?"

Janet: "NO!"

Smith: "Nudist?"

Janet: "No."

Smith: "Naturist?"

Janet: "That's the same thing!"

Smith: "But they're naked outdoors."

Janet: "Oh. Nudists can't be naked outdoors?"

Smith: "We don't have time for this. The chopper is en route and that boring device works fast. Take cover in the northeast corner of the room and hold your hands tightly over your ears on my cue."

[Meanwhile, outside, a police officer who was alerted to the unauthorized circus approaches the first supply truck he sees. The "magician" and his "lovely assistant" are retrieving the sets and props for his stage.]

Officer: "Excuse me?"

Magician: "Yes? Woah! Watch out for that... Ugh!"

[The officer steps in elephant dung.]

Officer: [Shaking his shiny black shoe] "There's no permit on file for this performance."

[The magician flashes his National Intelligence Service badge.]

Officer: "Oh, right. Would you mind if I stay and catch the show?"

Magician: "Not at all. In fact, would you like me to have you disappear in front of the crowd?"

Officer: "Oh, wow! I've never been part of a magic show before. I'd be honored."

Magician: "Don't be too sure about that. May I see your badge, please?"

Officer: "It's gone! How did you do that?"

Magician: "My colleague notified me via earpiece that you forgot it at home."

Officer: "Uh... yeah. I think I've changed my mind about the show. You folks have a nice day."

Lovely Assistant: "Not so fast!"

[She throws a smoke bomb to the ground and the officer faints into the magician's vigilant arms.

An agency-wide memo had been distributed following Butthead's first kill.]
******
7/25

[Smith, Beavis, Butthead, Janet, Barnes, and Franklin are all sitting in the NE corner of the dressing room. The boring device stops after breaching the ceiling.]

Smith: "The human cannonball is about to launch. Cover your ears!"

[A boom is heard outside, and above them. The box of clown suits, masks, and belts is lowered into the hole in the roof via the cable while everyone's attention is on the status of the flying circus performer.]

Barnes: "It dawned on me, Agent Smith, that I don't actually HAVE to strap myself onto the cable, OR put on this silly suit, since you're letting me go for the weekend."

Smith: "Where's your sense of adventure, Mr. Barnes?"

Barnes: "I once backpacked across Europe and stayed in hostels during summer break from college."

Smith: "Good for you, but that's not an adrenaline rush unless you had suspected serial killers as roommates. Did you?"

Barnes: "No."

Smith: "Okay, then. Belt up, or I'll have my superiors patch me through to the ringmaster."

Barnes: "What are you going to tell him?"

Smith: "That you were the cause of the store evacuation due to a psychotic episode. The crowd will hear your full legal name over the megaphone."

Barnes: "But aren't people going to see me leap from the cable?"

Smith: "Indeed."

Barnes: "Won't people be expecting a show? A clown wouldn't jump from a chopper cable and remain in hiding, would he?"

Janet: "Or SHE! Bastard!"

[Everyone sneers at Janet.]

Smith: "No, that doesn't sound like clown etiquette to me, Mr. Barnes. What are you planning for your show?"

Barnes: "Uh... What if I just stay on the cable?"

Smith: "Then you would be breaking my promise to Mr. Butthead to let him ride along on Monday to capture you. I NEVER break my promises, nor do I permit anyone to break them for me."

BH: "Thanks, boss. Huh, huh!"

Franklin: "Quite the pickle you're in, Barnes."

Barnes: [Trembling] "Will you help me, Mr. Jones, sir?"

Franklin: "Are you NUTS?! I'm not your boss anymore! Not in this situation, at least."

BH: [At Barnes] "Good luck, dude."

Barnes: "Barnes!"

BH: "Dude."

Barnes: "BARNES!"

BH: "Uh... nope. Still dude."

Smith: "Enough! Everybody get dressed and let Barnes dream up a clown act, because that's his wisest option."

Beavis: [At Barnes] "Say somethin' funny, dude."

Barnes: "I hate Metallica."

[Everyone laughs except for Beavis and Butthead.]

Smith: "Unfortunately for you, Mr. Barnes, that crowd, out there, of unemployed people who somehow have money to spend on midgrade quality clothing..."

Franklin: "Hey?!"

Smith: "Casual? Dressy?"

Franklin: "That works. Thank you."

Smith: "You're welcome. Anyway, as I was about to say, that audience is going to prefer puns to jabs, and nothing too... thinky."

Barnes: "Thinky?"

Smith: "You know what I mean, and you're on thin ice as it is, Barnesy The Clown."

Barnes: "Barnesy?! That's worse than dude!"

BH: "Huh, huh... huh! Sure is, Barnesy Dude."

Beavis: "Heh, heh!"

Smith: "Okay. Everybody attach your belts and get ready to fly."

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