"Butthead in The Matrix" Pt6 IIn description)

One more segment remaining, and then I'll post several skits before moving on to another full script.

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[In the People's Showroom parking lot, where The Greatest Show On Earth That's Ready to Happen With Less Than An Hour's Notice is underway, the ringmaster raises the megaphone to his mouth.]

Master: "Ladies AND gentlemen...! May I direct your attention to the roof of the People's Showroom, where 6 clowns are being airlifted by what you might believe to be a military or black ops helicopter, but rest assured that it is quite circus-like! Did I hear someone ask why it's black?! Sometimes we perform in the evening, and concealing that eerily quiet aircraft helps to simulate the realism of a person claimed to be flying!"

"So...! Why, one might ask, are clowns being airlifted from a clothing store? I don't know. I've met a number of clowns in my time, visited clown colleges and familiarized myself with the curricula, as any dutiful ringmaster would, but these 6 brave clowns, in my estimation, are post-grads or perhaps even doctoral candidates. Let's give them a warm round of applause, ladies and gentlemen!"

[The crowd claps as a courtesy, and several audience members stare in bewilderment at one another.]

Master: "Wait a second! The lowest clown on the cable has jumped back onto the roof! Isn't this exciting, ladies and gentlemen?! It appears that he's about to re-enter The People's Showroom through the hole in the roof! I've just received word that it's Barnesy The Clown, who may decide to grace us with his routine. I was also told to emphasize that he will NOT be hiding in the clothing store... as clown etiquette strictly forbids audience disappointment."

"Why are the other clowns being flown away, and what is their destination, since the circus is right here? Good question! There must be other circuses in the area. Someone else has a question. What were they doing in the clothing store? Bad question. No more questions, ladies and gentlemen. Get ready for the immutable, the irrepressible, the incredible... BARNESY THE CLOWN!

Oh, just to note, ladies and gentlemen, as Barnesy makes his way toward center stage, Loretto The Human Cannonball experienced a bout of narcolepsy upon bouncing onto the net. He's still alive! More good news! Our insurance carrier has guaranteed us that his trip to the ER is his own liability, not that of the general fund. Let's give three cheers for Loretto... AND indemnity!"

Spectator: "I don't think this circus is legit."

[A plainclothes agent standing nearby jabs a syringe in the spectator, who immediately becomes lightheaded.]

Spectator's wife: "Me, neither. Store evacuation, a circus from out of nowhere, and a longwinded eh..."

Agent: "We need a paramedic over here! Man down! [jabs the woman] Two or more paramedics! Woman also down!"
******

7/27

[Several other skeptical-looking and verbally critical attendees are jabbed, then carried away, or rolled on gurneys to prevent a panic.]

Ringmaster: "Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, Barnesy The Clown is either having some trouble climbing down that hole in the roof, or he's rehearsing his act. In any event, let's get to know all of you a little better. With a show of hands, who's been out shopping today?"

[No one raises a hand.]

Master: "Who works at the clothing store?"

[No one.]

Master: "Who saw the trucks or heard the elephant, the lion, and / or the organ music and had his or her curiosity piqued?"

[No one.]

Master: "Saw the elephant?"

[Everyone raises a hand.]

Master: "But wasn't yet here, in the parking lot."

[No one.]

Master: "Uh... Stealth camping in your car and got a late start on the day?"

[No one.]

Master: "Homeless with nothing better to do?"

[No one.]

Master: "Right. So... How many of you are plainclothes "circus" staff?"

[Everyone raises a hand. Barnes finally arrives outside. The ringmaster deactivates and lowers his megaphone.]

Master: "Welcome, Barnesy The Clown. You're off the hook, so to speak, because all members of the general public have been escorted away. We know that you know why we're here, and that you're allowed to leave, but you need to make us laugh first."

Barnes: "Uh... Does it have to be a joke or a story?"

Master: "Either one."

Barnes: "A punk kid named Butthead and a naked lady may have gotten me fired several minutes ago."

Master: "Go on."

Barnes: "That's not funny?"

Master: "Our standards of humor are exemplary."

Barnes: "That's it! I'm calling the police!"

[Everyone laughs.]

Master: [Smiling] "Okay. You may go."

[The "magician" props up the unconscious police officer, grabs his arm, and makes the hand wave.]

Magician: "Hey, Barnesy?"

[Barnes turns around.]

Magican: "HERE'S ONE!"

[Everyone laughs again. Some agents nearly fall over. Barnes removes his sweat-drenched mask, shakes his head in awe, and returns to his GPS equipped sedan.]
*******

7/28

[On the cable, airborne...]

Beavis: "Get your feet off my head, Butthead!"

BH: "I got nowhere else to put 'em, Beavis!"

[Beavis, lowest on the cable, shoves Butthead's ankles with all of his might. Butthead begins spinning around, which not only causes the cable to coil, but also results in Beavis spinning much faster than Butthead, in wider circles.]

Beavis: "Aaagggghhhh...!"

[The coiled cable reaches maximum tolerance.]

BH: "Huh, huh... huh!"

Beavis: "Not funny, Butthead!"

[The second or so of calm is followed by the unraveling.]

Beavis: "Aaagggghhhhh....!"

[The spinning stops. Butthead returns his feet to Beavis's head.]

BH: "Huh, huh! How's that feel, Beavis?"

Beavis: [Enraged surrender] "Whatever!"

Smith: "What happened down there? I saw a splendid panoramic view. Do it again."

Beavis: "No way!"

Smith: "That's an order, Mr. Beavis!"

BH: "Huh, huh... huh!"

Beavis: "Fine! Aaagggghhhh....!"

...

Beavis: "Aaagggghhhh...!"
******

7/29

Smith: "THAT was breathtaking. Thank you for the encore, Mr. Beavis."

[Beavis grumbles.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?"

Beavis: "What?!"

BH: "We weren't on the clock. Smith owes you like... 50 cents for those 2 minutes you were spinnin' around."

Beavis: "Yeah!"

BH: "And, uh... I think you'd get hazard pay, too, for bein' on the chopper cable. That's prob'ly another quarter. Ask him for a buck, though, and see what he says."

Beavis: "Hazard pay?"

BH: "More money for danger, Beavis. Oh, yeah... You're, uh... only gonna be an usher, too. It ain't one o' your duties to get all dizzy hangin' from a chopper."

Beavis: "No!"

BH: "Are you psyched, Beavis?"

Beavis: "Yeah. Should I ask for the buck first, or see what he says?"

BH: "He only owes you 75 cents, Beavis, you miser! You owe me a percentage, though, 'cause I'm... uh, like your lawyer."

Beavis: "Screw you, Butthead! My money!"

BH: "You wouldn't be askin' him unless I told you, dumbass!"

Beavis: "Shut up, Butthead!"

Smith: "What's all this about money, gentlemen?"

Beavis: "I need 75 cents! No, I mean a dollar!"

Smith: "We're almost up to the chopper. I'm not going to throw quarters down to you. That could injure someone if you fumbled."

Janet: "Forgive me for asking... Butthead, but why... exactly, are you a secret agent in training?"

BH: "Hey, boss? Naked Lady wants to know why I'm gonna be a spy."

Janet: "Janet!"

Smith: "That's classified, Ms. Swanson. You won't remember meeting him, anyway, or me."

Janet: [At Beavis and Butthead] "I've seen the two of you around town, for a long time. Do either of you age?"

Smith: "Oh, great!"

Janet: "'Oh, great' what, Agent Smith?"

Smith: "You're now at a treacherous crossroads, Ms. Swanson."

Janet: "Why is that?"

Smith: "You know sensitive classified information about Beavis and Butthead that's been committed to long term memory."

Janet: "That they don't age?"

Smith: "Yes. I can assess your aptitude as an agent, erase several years of your memory, or lock you away."

Janet: "Wait! Don't their classmates and teachers know, though?"

Smith: "Hmm. I'm sure they do. Beavis? Butthead?"

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "Yeah?"

Smith: "How do you cope in school without anyone being suspicious? More disturbingly, why do you continue to attend when you both must be approximately 50 years of age?"

BH: "Uh... I dunno."

Beavis: "What?!"

BH: "So, uh... Naked Lady?"

[Smith clears his throat in frustration and decides to table the issue until later.]

Janet: [Sighing in defeat] "Yes?"

BH: "Since you're not gonna remember, would ya do me?"

Janet: "No!"

Beavis: "Heh, heh! She didn't say 'Ewww!" like with Barnes. Keep goin', Butthead."

Smith: "Mr. Butthead? Leave Na... Ms. Swanson alone."

BH: "But I'm not at work, boss. Can't a guy hit on a hot chick on his day off?"

Smith: "Very well. Proceed."

Janet: [Blushing] "You think I'm hot?"

BH: "Sure do, baby."

Janet: "Well... At least baby is an improvement over Naked Lady."

BH: "I'm gonna see if that hypno-shrinky chick will do a double hypno-shrinky thing, with you 'n' me, baby, just like dead hypno-shrinky dude 2.0 did with me 'n' Beavis."

Janet: "I don't like the sound of this."

Smith: "Don't worry, Ms. Swanson. I don't authorize tandem hypnosis unless the circumstances warrant its use."

BH: "Hey, boss?"

Smith: [Impatient] "Yes, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Since Naked Lady's got that long, uh... memory thing about me 'n' Beavis, could you put me in that hypno-shrinky dream with her to have her wake up thinkin' I'm her dude... so that she won't say nothin'?"

Janet: "Ugh!"

Smith: "I'll think about it, Mr. Butthead. That's not too bad an idea, actually."

[Janet looks down at Butthead and realizes, "I could do worse: Beavis".]

BH: "Hey, boss?"

Smith: "What now, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Do regular hot chicks care about a super spy havin' evil hot chicks on the side?"

[Janet shakes her head, but says nothing in recognizing the futility.]

Smith: "I don't know, Mr. Butthead. You're putting the cart before the horse, and that concept of which you speak is mostly an invention of Hollywood."

Beavis: "How 'bout E-girls?"

Smith: "Touché, Mr. Beavis."

BH: "Hey, Janet baby?"

Janet: [Groans] "What, Butthead?"

BH: "I think Smith just called you a horse."

Smith: "No, he didn't. If I get stuck with you in some sort of altered state, I'm going to teach you about idioms like Agent Smith's, among others."

BH: "Hey, boss?! Naked Lady called you an idiot!"

[Smith looks at the agent in the rear of the chopper who is laughing at and with Butthead. Janet has buried her face in her hands, regretting that she played hooky from work to go shopping.]
*******

8/1

[Everyone successfully boards the chopper. Smith looks in Franklin's direction.]

Smith: "You've been awfully quiet, Mr. Jones."

Franklin: "I'm going to have all of this memory erased, so what's the point?"

Smith: "The subconscious mind might surprise you, Mr. Jones. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that H.R. will be sending me an incompetent hypnotist."

Franklin: "Why is that?"

Smith: [Casually dismissive] "Never mind. Bureaucratic SNAFU."

Franklin: "What might surprise me, though?"

Smith: "For example, if you were to join some of us for brunch on Sunday, your next visit to that restaurant could trigger a subtle case of déjà vu, or you may feel an inexplicable smidgen of joy if you especially liked the exquisite food that you can't remember eating."

Franklin: "Sounds like a fancy place. Can I come?"

Smith: [Curt] "No."

[Franklin shrugs and shakes his head.]

[Smith turns his head toward Janet.]

Smith: "You're welcome to join us, though, Ms. Swanson, since your future is likely with us at the agency."

Janet: "Um... Thank you, I suppose. I don't see myself as a secret agent of any kind, though."

Smith: "My people can fix that. Not necessarily the... eh hem... hypno-shrinky chick... Thank you, Mr. Butthead... We can fly to another site for training if necessary."

Janet: "Sounds creepy and terrifying."

BH: "Nah. Hypno-shrinky dude 2.0 tried to train me 'n' Beavis, but we watched TV and ate a bunch o' junk for 3 years for 5 minutes."

[Janet shakes her head at Butthead in disbelief.]

Smith: "He's referring to time-compressed memory implantation under hypnosis, Ms. Swanson. One isn't forced to do anything in that altered state, but understated forms of coercion are sometimes necessary."

BH: "That chauffer sucked! Me 'n' Beavis... we usually hate stuff that sucks, but that was a good kinda suck."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Yeah!"

[Smith smiles patronizingly at Butthead.]

Janet: "We've been flying for quite a while. Where are we going?"

Smith: "The pilot had to fly far enough to prevent anyone with binoculars from tracking us, and we couldn't return directly to the agency after that circus misadventure due to the proximity and conspicuousness."

Janet: "So where ARE we going?"

Smith: "I'm not at liberty to tell anyone where black ops helicopters land, because I have no clue, myself. In fact, we're all going to be blindfolded and handcuffed in a couple of minutes, then treated to a limo ride."

Franklin: "While... blindfolded and handcuffed?"

[Smith gives a 'thumbs up' and winks and smiles at Franklin. Franklin runs his right hand down his face as if trying to peel it off: not methodically like the paranormal researcher in "Poltergeist", but expeditiously via friction.]
******

8/3

This feels like a deleted scene, if this were to become a movie rather than a series, but it might be good for a chuckle or two. I'd probably shorten it by having Butthead ask for a stick once his blindfold was in place, to treat the equally blind Beavis like a piñata. Smith would then tell Butthead that he doubts the black ops agents have any sticks on board. The black ops agent would then present a length-adjustable advanced ceramic rod, but Smith would brush it away from Butthead's hand, insisting, "Please... no."

[Smith sees one of the 2 black ops agents in the passenger section of the chopper reaching into a bin, and then hears an unmistakable clanging.]

Smith: [As if offering dessert to toddlers, attempting to lighten the mood] "Who wants blindfolds and handcuffs?"

[Butthead laughs, but Franklin and Janet roll their eyes. Beavis is on a mission, therefore unperturbed by the latest scandal.]

Beavis: "No! I want my 75 cents first! I mean a dollar."

Smith: "Oh, really, Mr. Beavis? Alright. Since it's your day off, and you're experiencing no shortage of danger and discomfort today, it's a deal."

BH: "Uh... He wants the money for the spinning."

Smith: "Spinning?"

Beavis: "On the cable. You ordered me."

Smith: "Oh, right. Why a dollar?"

Beavis: [Oblivious] "Err.. Ask Butthead."

Butthead: "It was... like... 50 cents for 2 minutes of spinning and a quarter for hazard pay, since he's making minimum wage."

Smith: [At Beavis] "But somehow I owe you a dollar? You realize, don't you, that I'll be retrieving your suit and tuxedo tomorrow? Those are yours to keep, free and clear, but you want a dollar from me instead of the 75 cents you believe yourself to be owed?"

Beavis: "Fine! 75 cents, but Butthead wants a, uh..."

BH: "Huh, huh! Percentage, Beavis."

Smith: "Are you aware, Mr. Butthead, that, even as a secret agent trainee, you're going to be earning in excess of $60,000 per year?"

BH: "Woah! Really?! But, uh... so? What's that gotta do with my fee for helpin' Beavis?"

Smith: "Is it the principle?"

BH: "No way! I hate that jackass."

Smith: "No, Mr. Butthead. LE, not AL."

BH: "Ellie? No. It's a dude. Nobody calls chicks jackasses."

Smith: "Never mind, Mr. Butthead. You and Mr. Beavis can go to a bank or a store to get change for one of the quarters so you'll have your percentage. You DO realize, however, that the value of that time expenditure far exceeds 75 cents?"

BH: "Uh... I dunno. I'm gettin' my money. That's all I know."

Smith: "So you ARE a man of principle."

BH: "No way, boss! I got that Gen thingy that says I'm done with school. You like BOSS, or you wanna go back to bein' DUDE?"

Smith: "If you revert to caling me dude, you'll be demoted to usher like Beavis."

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Good one, boss."

Smith: "Nice try, Mr. Beavis. I'll give you one more chance with the hypnosis training. Or, if the therapist is incompetent, as I fully expect her to be, I'll give you the option of taking a night class one day per week."

Beavis: "More school?! No way, dude!"

Smith: "While you can't be paid less than minimum wage, Mr. Beavis, I can fire you."

Beavis: "Like a human cannonball?! Cool!"

Smith: "No. Termination."

Beavis: "He's gonna kill me, Butthead, just for callin' him dude!"

BH: "Huh, huh! Job termination, not like Arnold... Silly Beavis."

Smith: [At Beavis] "You and I will have a private conversation at some point to discuss other options following your ride-along and probationary field assignment."

Beavis: "Err..."

Smith: "Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "Err..."

BH: "Uh, oh."

Smith: "What's wrong, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "I dunno, but he's prob'ly gonna turn back into Ponce... or Cornholio. There's no room for him to run around, though, and I don't think pullin' his shirt over his head is enough... uh... wiggin' out for 'im."

Smith: [At the agent with the cuffs and blindfolds] "Do you have heavy sedatives on board?"

Black Ops Agent: "I'm afraid not. We have patches for air sickness, but that's about it."

Smith: "Oh, boy."
*******

8/9

Smith: "Are you okay, Mr. Beavis... Cornholio... [Sigh] Ponce?"

Beavis: "Yeah, but who are those other dudes?"

Smith: "Don't worry about it. Are the handcuffs and blindfold going to bother you?"

BH: "Hey, boss? Do a Vulcan nerve pinch on 'im. Huh, huh!"

Beavis: "Shut up, Butthead!"

[Smith shakes his head. Franklin is heard snoring, causing everyone to look. It hurts Janet's ears, so she jabs him with her right elbow.]

Franklin: "Take those pimentos out o' your nose! What've you done with my olives?"

Smith: "Franklin? Franklin?!"

[Franklin snorts and coughs, then awakens.]

Franklin: "What happened?"

Smith: "You fell asleep, and I presume you have a son who shoved pimentos up his nostrils after grabbing your jar of olives."

Franklin: "How could you know that?!"

Smith: "You were shouting at him in your sleep."

Janet: [Harrumphs] "It could've been a girl doing that, Agent Smith."

Smith: "It's not the most dignified of feminist crusades, now... Is it, Ms. Swanson?"

Janet: "Agreed."

Smith: "Everybody put your hands behind your back and get ready to be cuffed and blindfolded. We'll be landing shortly."

Janet: "How long's the limo ride?"

Smith: "I have no idea. The driver may treat us to one or more unorthodox methods to disorient us so that we won't be able to find our way back to the landing site."

Butthead: "Cool! Like a gyroscope?"

[The black ops agent with the blindfolds and cuffs winks and smiles at Butthead.]

Smith: "Mr. Butthead? You're in the company of agents who work with a limitless budget. Please don't give them any ideas."

Butthead: "Uh... How 'bout drivin' the limo onto a giant conveyer belt and playin' street noises on a stereo?"

Smith: "I could live with that, but please stop talking."

Butthead: "I gotta take a leak, though, boss."

Smith: "I told you to...!"

Janet: "Me, too."

Beavis: "Me, three."

Janet: "How will I know that no one's watching me?"

[Smith shakes his head.]

Smith: "Please, Ms. Swanson. We'll be blindfolded, and these agents in the chopper probably have genuine x-ray specs to see through clothing."

Janet: [At the agent with the restraints] "Do you?"

Black Ops Agent: "Sure do. At first, you think it's going to be like a Russ Meyer movie, but you end up seeing too much. The thrill is gone."

Butthead: "Uh... Since you don't like those x-ray specs, can I... may I have 'em?"

[The black ops agent sputters. Smith is not, on the whole, impressed with Butthead's grammar, nor his demeanor.]
********

8/10

[Everyone has now been blindfolded, and cuffed, with the exception of Agent Smith, without incident.]

Prominent Black Ops Agent: "I've got a couple surprises for you, folks. Another chopper is a few minutes behind us, with a special guest on board. Since you won't be able to see anything for a while, my superiors decided to entertain you with sound. But that's not all. Right... So, everybody do your business and I'll guide you to the limo with the rope in my hand. Agent Smith will be unbuttoning, dropping, lifting, and..."

Janet: "We got it!"

Black Ops Agent: "... because I can trust him to keep his blindfold in place and not indulge any funny business... Butthead."

Smith: "You know him too well."

Black Ops Agent: "From what I've remote-viewed of his life during this flight, I need to wash my 3rd eye out with soap."

BH: "Uh... huh, huh... What?"

Smith: "Never mind, Butthead. Let's just get to the facilities or the bushes. Whatever they have."

[Everyone finishes their business in the bushes as the 2nd chopper is landing. They're guided toward the limo. The driver is standing by the double, right-side passenger doors.]

Driver: "Lady AND gentlemen?! Please direct your attention to your left and give a warm round of applause to...! Just kidding. I love that gag. Muh lady?"

[The agent / ringmaster gently reaches for Janet's right hand.]

Driver: [Left hand atop Janet's head] "Watch your head. Okay, fellas. Chivalry's got its limits. Duck to sternum height and hop in. Janet is in the far right seat, so file in. Mr. Butthead? You're getting in 3rd. I want you as far from Janet as possible, and I'm sure she does, too. You'll get in second, Mr. Beavis, and Smith will be across from you in case you get frisky. Mr. Jones, you'll be to Agent Smith's left."

Janet: "Thank you."

Driver: [Circusy] "Pleasure!"

BH: "How does circus dude know me, boss?"

Smith: "These people know more about you than my people, Mr. Butthead. They could tell you not only what cereal you last ate, but on what date, at what time, and how many flakes or puffs were in the bowl."

Beavis: "No way can anyone remember all that!"

Smith: "It's not long term memory, Mr. Beavis, but subtle recall on demand."

Janet: "Woah!"

Franklin: "'Woah!' is right."

BH: "Huh, huh! I'll 3rd that."

Beavis: [Nervous] "Heh, heh. Yeah."

Driver: "I have a special treat for you, lady and gentlemen."

BH: "Hey? Why didn't you say it all circusy?"

Driver: "Really? You like that?"

Smith: "Surely you know he's toying with you, Mr. Ringmaster / Driver."

Driver: "Naturally. Sometimes, I like to remove my spy, ringmaster, and chauffer hat to play elder. Regardless, we have one stop to make before dropping you at an airport. Chilled sedative champagne, anyone?"

[No one agrees.]

Driver: "Pour, Agent Smith. I insist. There's a contingency plan that none of you will appreciate."

Beavis: "I don't think we're gonna gyro, Butthead."

BH: "Huh, huh! Me, neither, Beavis. Figures he'd go all fuddy duddy on us."
********

8/13

Driver: "Agent Smith? The bubbly is to your right in the mini-fridge. You'll find a rack with flute glasses on top."

Smith: "Why can't you do this, Driver / Ringmaster? And why not pills, or at least wine or juice, instead of champagne?"

Driver: "It's no fun for me if it's simple for YOU. Besides, none of you will be able to stifle your belching. The sedative is fast-acting."

[Smith almost runs his hands over his eyes due to frustration.]

Driver: "Hey?! Don't you take off that mask, Smith!"

Smith: "That wasn't my intention. You're bothering me."

Driver: "Why is that? Because I wasn't using my ringmaster voice?"

Smith: "No. How much champagne do we need?"

Driver: "Pour about half a flute for everyone. If you stick your finger in there to measure, noboody's gonna know. Whoops! Ha, ha, HA!"

[Smith accomplishes his task, pouring into everyone's mouth, and everyone falls asleep within less than a minute.

Nearly 2 hours later, everyone in the rear of the limo begins to awaken.]

Driver: [Circusy, using his megaphone] "Ladies AND gentlemen?! Please give a warm round of applause, with your feet on this occasion, for... BARNESY THE FUGITIVE!"

[Barnes is at a highway rest stop with a rented car.]

Barnes: "What THE...?! YOU! HOW?!"

Driver: [Still circusy, unless noted otherwise] "If you would, please, sir... dazzle us with some specificity!"

BH: "Uh... That's Barnes out there?"

Driver: "Yes, SIR!"

Barnes: "I didn't rent that car! I paid a customer from the store!"

Driver: "And where, now, sir, IS that customer?!"

Barnes: "At my house."

Driver: "Collateral, eh? Sneaky, sneaky, Barnesy! But did you allow said customer to retain a smart phone?"

Barnes: "What's that got to do with anything?!"

Driver: "Elementary GPS cross-referencing, Mister Barnesy!"

Smith: "What are you doing, Driver / Ringmaster? Now he may know to rid of his ID and payment cards, too."

Driver: "Agent Smith is concerned that you'll part with your ID and payment cards, Barnesy!"

Barnes: "Why would I do that?!"

[Smith wipes sweat from his brow and exhales quickly.]

Driver: "Aah, aah! Oh."

Barnes: "I beg your pardon?"

Driver: "Agent Smith appeared to be on the cusp of removing his blindfold! But, alas, it was... PERSPIRATION!"

Barnes: "Agent Smith is with you?! His people weren't supposed to see me until Monday!"

Driver: [Not circusy] "I said 'blindfold', halfwit." [Circusy] "It is strongly recommended that you return the vehicle to its rightful lessee!"

Barnes: "Yeah. Whatever."

Driver: "Toodle-oo, B.T.F.! Happy hiding! Ha, ha, HA!"

[The driver cues some circus music to play during his 3-point turn to exit the rest stop.]

Limo loudspeaker: "Doo doot, doo duh, doo doo, doo doot, doo doo!"

BH: "Uh... Is this guy on our side, boss?"

Smith: "I highly doubt it, Mr. Butthead. I believe your generation, or at least those who aren't in their late 40s or early 50s, but behave like you and Mr. Beavis... no offense, would refer to him as a frenemy."

BH: "So I'm intelligence, and he's, uh... counterintelligence?"

Smith: [Smiling] "Don't ever lose that, Mr. Butthead."

Beavis: "Heh, heh!"

BH: "Uh... okay, and, I think, shut up, Beavis!"
********

8/17

[The limo is seen driving away from Barnes's vantage as he trudges toward his rented car.]

Barnes: [Proceeding, not backtracking] "Ah, ha!"

[The scene shifts to the limo arriving at the regional airport with the gang parked near a light plane without their blindfolds or handcuffs.]

BH: "Uh, boss?"

Smith: "Yes, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Me 'n' Beavis don't like flyin', or, uh... I don't wanna be stuck in a plane if Beavis switches again."

Smith: "Understood. Driver / Ringmaster?"

Driver: "At your service, sir!"

Smith: "Would you mind returning Mr. Beavis and Mr. Butthead to their hometown?"

Driver: "At THEIR service?! NO, sir!"

Smith: "Fine. Come with me, Mr. Beavis and Mr. Butthead. I'll rent us a car."

[Smith queries Franklin and Janet, who are both agreeable to flying.]

Smith: "Both pilot and co-pilot will be agents with my facility. You'll be accommodated in rooms that will seem far more luxurious than any hotel at which you've ever stayed."

Janet: "Do they have a gym and a pool?"

Smith: "Of course. Also a sauna, hot tub, tanning room, on-demand massage, complimentary room service, and cook-to-order meals at breakfast time."

Janet: "Really?!"

Smith: "No."

[Smith scowls at Janet and returns his attention to Beavis and Butthead.]

Smith: "Come along, gentlemen. I'll treat you to a formal dinner before the brunch on Sunday. Agents Bradford and Kinney have grown quite fond of you, so let's get you some off-the-rack suits in the meantime, based on your general measurements, and enjoy an upscale meal while learning some tips and tricks from the upper crust, shall we?"

Butthead: "Uh... what?"

Beavis: "Err..."

Smith: "What I just said, gentlemen. Let's see how it goes. The worst that can happen is that you'll be back on... Mrs. Butthead's sofa, presumably selling marijuana against my better judgment."

BH: "Uh... Huh, huh! Cool!"

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Heh!"

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