I Thought I’d have Kids and I Don’t and I’m Grieving

Question:
I am a never married 44-year-old. I’ve always trusted in God’s timing so going through this season is tough. This is the first season when I haven’t felt my life was more than I imagined and asked for.

I feel like I’ve been cheated and I’m not sure how to move forward with joy. I’m experiencing the grief of not having my own kids—to the point that I’m having a hard time seeing other people with theirs. I don’t like being in this place because I love kids.

During my 20s and 30s being a teacher was enough to get my “fill” of being with kids. Now, as I move out of teaching and living abroad, I don’t have any littles in my life to kind of fill that... and also, it’s different when they’re not mine. I’m having a hard time seeing a joyful future without a family. I still have hope for a spouse, but the kid thing is really a struggle at this point.

Another thing is the compound grief, if that is a thing. Like the grief of not getting married when all your friends did in their 20s, them having kids, now them celebrating many years of marriage... grief on top of grief... and I wonder what I’ll be like in five, 10, 15 years...like, will I become more miserable seeing what I don’t have?

I’m just really trying to figure out how to turn it around because this isn’t like me.

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